


Nearly, Not Quite, Almost, Maybe

by thefooliam



Series: In Echoes 'Verse [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: Assault, Brittany back story, Bullying, Consensual Underage Sex, F/F, Implied/Referenced Suicide, In Echoes 'Verse, Underage Drinking, lots of ladies having sex with each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-05
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-05-31 13:02:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 67,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6470941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefooliam/pseuds/thefooliam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Angela Giardino is four years old when she realizes she’s not like anyone else. </p><p>But when she's five years old she falls in love with a girl with beautiful blue eyes and bright blonde hair and it’s like the world suddenly makes sense. </p><p>(Original back story relating to the In Echoes 'Verse)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nearly

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: This story contains scenes of homophobic bullying and assault. It also contains minor mentions of suicide.

 

It doesn’t take her long.

 

She’s four when she realizes that she’s not like everyone else. Her big sister likes dolls and princesses. Her brothers like football and beating each other up. Her mom wants her to like the same things her siblings do but she doesn’t really like anything.

 

She likes reading books that are too old for her and thinking about the world.

 

She likes sitting in corners and watching other people.

 

She knows that her daddy’s family don’t think much of her mom and that her mom wishes her grandparents had stayed in Ireland. Sometimes she sees her daddy staring into space wondering and she thinks that he’s always wondering if he’s doing the right things, if their small house in South Philadelphia will ever be big enough for all the personalities and problems that live in it.

 

Angie sits in the corner and knows that her brothers and sisters think she’s stupid. She knows that her mom is worried about her and her dad doesn’t mention her to his guys at the bar.

 

She doesn’t know how to speak to them.

 

//

 

She doesn’t really know how to speak to anyone until she meets Jessica Waters.

 

Her eyes are blue and her hair is blonde and when Angie watches her, she isn’t mean to her. She doesn’t yell or call her names or make fun of her; she comes and sits next to her instead.

 

She doesn’t look at Angie like she’s weird that she’s reading books way above their grade level. She doesn’t even really notice the book because she’s too busy looking right at Angie’s face instead.

 

“What’s your name?” she says plainly. Her eyes don’t dart to Angie’s crazy curly hair or her glasses. She just looks at her and it’s scary.

 

“Angela,” she says and, when the girl doesn’t say anything else, she continues. “Angela Giardino but my ma calls me Angie.”

 

The girl regards her quietly.

 

“I’m gonna call you Gee,” is all she says.

 

And that’s that.

 

//

 

Angie calls her Jess because that’s what she said her friends call her.

 

Jess is her friend and Angie doesn’t know what to do because she’s never had a friend before.

 

All the other kids tease them but she doesn’t know why.

 

Well, she knows why they make fun of her, but they don’t need to make fun of Jess.

 

Jess was born in Allentown but moved to Philadelphia when her dad got a new fancy job. They used to live in Roxborough for a while but they had to move to South Philly when Jess’ dad lost his fancy job pretty soon after they moved. Jess tells Angie that her mom and dad used to fight a lot and that it wasn’t fun. She doesn’t have any brothers and sisters and now it’s just her and her dad because her mom left.

 

Angie doesn’t ask her any of these things but Jess just tells her anyway. In turn, she tells Jess about her brothers and sister and her sad mom and disappointed dad. She tells her how everyone thinks she’s strange because of her hair and her grown-up books. Jess tells her they don’t understand and that she’s smart.

 

It feels nice.

 

//

 

Angie soon learns that Jess is what her mom calls “a devil child.”

 

That means that she’s silly and wild and doesn’t know how to behave.

 

Her mom thinks it’s because Jess’ dad doesn’t know how to look after a little girl. She offers to take care of Jess while he’s at work in the hopes of teaching her how to behave but, on the third time they take care of her, she calls Mrs. De Russo’s son a “dumbass” which starts a fight and, on the fifth time, she jumps out of a tree because she thinks it’ll be funny and breaks her arm.

 

Angie’s mom says that Jess has a bad mouth and an even worse attitude.

 

Angie thinks it’s exciting.

 

//

 

She doesn’t get any better as they get older but Angie’s mom has gotten used to it.

 

She’s become thankful for it because Angie probably would have been beaten up about fourteen times if it hadn’t been for Jess standing up for her.

 

They’re nine and all the kids think Angie’s weird and that Jess is weirder for liking her.

 

She sleeps over every Thursday through Sunday because that’s when Jess’ dad works nights and he doesn’t trust her. Everyone at school knows because Jess has become part of the gaggle of noise her mom drives to school on Monday mornings. They tell her that Jess shouldn’t like Angie just because Mrs. Giardino takes care of her, but Jess won’t listen.

 

She doesn’t even listen when Angie tells her she should stop being her friend too. It makes her mad, and she yells and doesn’t calm down until Angie promises to read to her until they fall asleep.

 

Her sleepy cheeks are still flushed red with anger when Angie finally finishes reading _Matilda_ to her. Her head settles into Angie’s shoulder and Angie should wake her up so she can get into the top bunk but she doesn’t.

 

She likes it when she wakes up to find Jess curled around her in the night. She likes it even more when she wakes up to Jess’ hair in her face in the mornings.

 

Jess is her favorite person in the world.

 

//

 

She’s twelve the first time anyone actually physically hurts her.

 

Jess has strep throat and it’s the first time since they met that either of them has missed a day of school.

 

Alison Janner from her last period math class bumps into her in the corridor and spits something about how her bulldog isn’t here to help her. It’s probably the first thing that Alison Janner has actually ever said to her. She doesn’t say anything back and it’s probably the worst thing she could do because Alison Janner pushes her until she hits the lockers behind her and tries to taunt her into reacting.

 

She doesn’t. It’s not what her mom taught her. Peace over violence is better because justice always wins out in the end, except Allison Janner has friends and they all start pushing her too. They push her until she tries to run and follow her into the girls’ bathroom at the back of school.

 

She ends up with a bloody lip and two bruised ribs and the janitor finds her an hour later curled in a ball on the bathroom floor.

 

She misses her bus and the principal calls her mom. He asks her who hurt her but they threatened to hurt Jess if she told, so she says nothing.

 

//

 

Jess almost cries when she sees her.

 

It’s a Thursday so she’s already propped up in bed in the top bunk when Angie finally gets home.

 

Angie doesn’t say anything, just keeps her head down as she climbs the ladder up to her. She gasps when Angie crawls her way up to the head of the bed and keeps watching her until Angie is curled into her side. She smells of medicine and feels fever warm. Her hands sweep the dark curly hair from Angie’s face and fingertips press at the purplish bruises forming on Angie’s cheek. She clicks her tongue and grabs a tissue from beside her to wipe away some of the blood still trickling from Angie’s lip. Her eyes are big and glassy and her face looks disappointed like someone just broke her favorite thing in the world.

 

It’s too much and Angie has to turn and face the wall so she doesn’t cry. She still does anyway when Jess instantly wraps around her back.

 

“Why didn’t you fight back?” she whispers into Angie’s hair as she manages to curl their fingers together over Angie’s stomach. Her voice is scratchy and thick and Angie can’t tell if it’s the strep or sadness. “Why didn’t you tell?”

 

Angie silently wipes away her tears and swallows thickly.

 

“They said they’d hurt you,” she whispers honestly.

 

Jess sighs and buries her face into the space between the back of Angie’s head and the pillow. She’s quiet for a long time and Angie really doesn’t know what to say.

 

“So let them,” she whispers thickly. “You should have just let them.”

 

Angie sighs and Jess sighs too. Arms tighten around Angela’s middle and it makes her sigh in relief because now she feels safe. Jess Waters makes her feel safe.

 

They fall asleep like that and neither of them goes to school in the morning.

 

//

 

For someone who reads so many books, she’s kind of flunking out of school.

 

She’s fourteen and about to start high school and everyone calls her the _dumbest nerd in the world_ but Jessica Waters is still her best friend.

 

She still stays with them Thursday through Sunday even though her dad doesn’t work those nights anymore and trusts her to stay by herself. She eats Angie’s mom’s corned beef and cabbage and her world famous spaghetti and meatballs, because they’re her favorite. She still sasses her mom when she tells them to go to bed, and Angie’s dad still takes them with him down to the batting cages on Sunday mornings.

 

She comes over for dinner on Tuesdays because she misses them all and she still copies all of Angie’s homework. She’s learned all Angie’s dad’s secret Italian swears and she whispers them in Angie’s ear as she curls in behind her in the top bunk where no one can see.

 

She doesn’t know what they mean but she knows they take Angie’s mind off the fact that her grades are dropping and the incidents of bullying are increasing. She got sent to summer school and she’s in all the remedial classes. Her mom and dad don’t like to talk about it and nobody knows that people leave notes in her locker telling her to kill herself.

 

She doesn’t know how to talk to people. The only person who understands her is Jess and she’s the only one who holds her at night when it feels like she’s falling apart.

 

//

 

She admits one night that she thought about it… that she almost gave in to their wishes and killed herself, just so it would stop.

 

It makes Jess’ arms tighten around her body and she fills all the spaces between them like it’s the easiest thing in the world. Her face buries in the back of Angie’s neck and within seconds it’s damp from the silent tears of her best friend.

 

Angie’s not sure she’s ever seen her best friend cry. Not when her mom tried to get back in contact and not even when her dad almost didn’t fight for custody.

 

But now she’s sobbing against Angie’s neck and Angie doesn’t know what to do. It takes her too long to realize that her best friend isn’t holding onto her, but clinging. She lets her cry for a long time until Jess somehow gets closer and manages to lean over until their cheeks are pressed together. Her face is hot and sticky and Jess holds their clasped hands over Angie’s heart like she’s checking it’s still beating.

 

“Don’t leave me,” she begs quietly in the low light of the room. Her voice is thick and thready and so _fucking_ beautiful. “You _can’t_ leave me. Do you hear me, Angela? If you ever tried to—”

 

She trails off and then hands are urging Angie to roll onto her back. She looks up at Jess and finds big blue glassy eyes and flushed cheeks. The usual mischievous glint in her eye is replaced with uncharacteristic seriousness and it grounds Angie to the bed. Jess’ hand presses against her chest and she clutches it gently, reassuringly.

 

“I don’t know what I’d do,” Jess goes on in hushed whispers. She leans in until her nose is buried in Angie’s ear and when her lips brush against the skin there it’s like Angie’s entire world becomes alight. It’s like she didn’t know how to feel until this moment. “It’d kill me,” she says even as Angie feels more alive than ever. “I’d die, Gee. I’d die.”

 

And just because she can’t take the rising current of feeling inside of her, she turns her face to her best friend until her their noses somehow manage to nuzzle together.

 

She wipes away errant tears from Jess’ cheeks and her stomach flutters, scared and excited at the same time. She stares into blue eyes for such a long time before she speaks.

 

“I’m not going anywhere,” she breathes.

 

Relief floods her best friend’s face and she wraps her fingers in Angie’s tangle of dark curly hair. She looks scared and confused but Angie remains steadfast. She stares back at her and sweeps her thumb over the perfect apple of Jess’ cheek.

 

When her best friend kisses her, it’s like her entire life finally makes sense.

 

//

 

They don’t talk about it after.

 

They don’t talk about the crying and the begging and they definitely don’t talk about the kiss.

 

Everyday, kids at school leave her those cruel notes and call her a dyke when they walk past her in the halls. Some people tell her that she’s going to burn in hell and others tell her she’s disgusting.

 

She doesn’t know what she is but the things they call her leave a deep, unsettled feeling in her gut that she doesn’t understand.

 

It’s the only thing she doesn’t tell Jess about. She tells her about the childish things, about the hair jokes and the way that she’s on her fourth pair of glasses this semester. She tells her about how she wishes she could get contacts and pouts when Jess reminds her that she loves her glasses, that her curls are Jess’ favorite thing.

 

Angie wonders if people say the same things to her and she’s just not telling too.

 

She doubts it because Jess kissed her first boy at twelve and a half and her second two hours later. She knows that Jess is seeing Ben Jordan who’s a year older than they are. She knows this because Jess took him back to her dad’s after school one afternoon and came over late, when dinner was technically leftovers.

 

Plus, they both got given detention after getting caught making out behind the gym. Angie only knows about that because it wasn’t Jess’ dad that yelled at her, it was Angie’s mom.

 

“You need a shower,” she whispers to Jess one night when she comes in late again. She stinks of smoke and cheap beer and sweat that isn’t hers.

 

She’s drunk because her hands are daring when they wrap around Angie’s body from behind. “I gave Benny a hand job.”

 

Angie’s stomach sinks and she huffs out a sleepy sound of indifference. “Well, I hope you washed them.”

 

Jess hums. “Do you think your mom would buy me condoms?” she asks after a long moment.

 

Angie glances at her incredulously over her shoulder. “She’s catholic,” she reminds her. “What do you think?”

 

Jess bites her bottom lip and falls onto her back beside her. Angie turns over curiously and props herself up on her elbow to look down at her best friend. Her cheeks are pink. It makes Angie nervous and she darts her eyes over Jess’ expression before speaking carefully.

 

“Do you think you’ll need them soon?” she asks.

 

Jess looks at her and then shrugs noncommittally. “It’s better to be safe than sorry,” she says. “Plus, I’d hate to prove your ma right by getting pregnant before I’ve graduated high school.”

 

Angie snorts and hates how set right she feels when Jess takes her hand and starts playing with her fingers. She forgets the boys and the cruelty and the taunting because it doesn’t really matter if Jess is here with her.

 

//

 

She’s fifteen and two weeks away from completing her first year of high school when everything changes completely.

 

She’d be lying if she said the bullying hadn’t been getting worse but she thought she could handle it. Her skin is thick after all these years and it’s just three more till she’s free. It’s three years and then she and Jess can live their dream of moving out and sharing a dorm at UPenn. She has no idea what she wants to do but Jess is going to be a doctor and she can’t wait to see.

 

But it _is_ getting worse in ways that she can’t explain.

 

If she tried, she’d probably say that she feels like a cliff’s edge, constantly beaten by harsh waves that make her weaker and weaker. She knows that, someday soon, her cliff’s edge will fall into the ocean and wash her away completely.

 

She wishes she knew what these people hated about her so much. She deliberately stays out of their way and she doesn’t do anything to offend or hurt them. It’s not like she’s passing all her classes; in fact, she’s flunking out of most of them—not because she’s dumb but because they’re _boring_. It’s not like she’s a goody-goody either. She argues with her teacher because she never does her homework and she rolls her eyes at them when they give her the same diatribe over and over again. She ends up in detention more often than not but it doesn’t matter because it’s not like anyone here cares for her anyway.

 

It’s not until that last time that she actually wishes she’d done her homework.

 

She has a lot of regrets for that day, actually.

 

She’d have done her homework. She wouldn’t have out-argued Mr. Brown in English class and made him look stupid just to prove a point. She’d have eaten lunch by herself instead of eating it with Jess. She would have never let Jess walk her to her class and she certainly would have never let Jess hug her as tightly as she did.

 

But, mostly, she thinks it was the lingering kisses Jess kept leaving on her temple that did it.

 

//

 

The school is empty and dark by the time that she leaves detention.

 

She needs the bathroom and she heads to the same, safe girls’ bathroom at the back of the building to relieve herself.

 

When the door closes, she’s surprised to hear it open and close again shortly after. It sets her on edge and she goes to turn around when she’s pushed forward, head hitting the brick wall ahead of her. Her consciousness instantly spins, her world contorts, and she stumbles over.

 

“Where’s your girlfriend, dyke?” they spit, actually spit at her.

 

There are fists and kicks and she gasps for breath as they hurt her for what feels like hours. It’s probably no more than a few moments but she isn’t exactly aware or fully conscious. It feels like forever and by the time it stops, they’re laughing and she hurts so much she can’t feel it anymore.

 

“You should have listened to us and killed yourself, dyke,” they taunt as they calmly wash their hands before leaving. “You should have fucking listened.”

 

Angie closes her eyes and tries to fall asleep.

 

//

 

She drifts in and out of consciousness for a long time. She tries to stay mostly awake in case someone else finds her.

 

It’s dark outside and she can see the moon through the window and, regardless of everything, she wishes she was on the top bunk with Jess.

 

She’s so _tired_.

 

It feels like days before the door to the bathroom opens and familiar blue chucks slide along the bathroom floor towards her.

 

“Oh my god,” Jess panics as she falls to her knees beside her and pulls her head into her lap. Her hands drift through Angie’s curly hair, damp and matted with her blood, and she mutters nonsensical things that Angie can’t understand. “HELP!” she shouts and Angie wants to say it’s no good, no one’s here but she can’t. She’s too busy shaking as the shock finally hits her. “HELP! SHE’S IN HERE! MA! SHE’S IN HERE!”

 

Her mother appears in her vision moments later and then she falls asleep.

 

//

 

She wakes up in hospital later that night. Except, it’s early the next morning by the looks of it. The blue-orange tinge of pre-dawn filters in through the gaps in her hospital blinds and she blinks to clear her head but it doesn’t work.

 

She’s vaguely aware that someone is lying beside her and when she looks down, blonde hair fills her vision and she knows exactly who it is. Machines beep around her and there’s a tube in her nose and a drip in her hand.

 

“Jess?” she slurs and blue eyes are panicked and relieved all at once when they dart up to find hers. “Are you okay?”

 

Jess laughs and then she looks furious. Her eyes look the same way they did that night when she cried and Angie tries to reach for her but she moves away.

 

“Am I okay?” she spits and her breath heaves from her unevenly. “Am I okay? Are you fucking kidding me, Angela? Are you honestly kidding me?!” Angie looks at her in confusion. “I find you, half alive on a fucking bathroom floor, half beaten to death and you have the fucking decency to ask me if I’m _okay_?!”

 

Angie blinks tiredly up at her. “I’m sorry,” is all she can think to say.

 

It’s the wrong thing because Jess instantly bursts into sobs.

 

She climbs out of the bed and then leans over Angie’s body, her hands flitting over her but never quite settling against her skin. She’s worried. She’s terrified and her fingers don’t settle until they’re pressed underneath Angie’s jaw. Her mouth descends a few moments later and she kisses her desperately. Angie lets her, lazily responding until their noses are pressed together. She doesn’t say anything about it and neither does Jess. Angie wouldn’t even know where to start.

 

All she knows is that, if this is what they beat her for, then she’d let them do it all over again just for this moment.

 

“You _promised_ ,” Jess whimpers into her. “You promised me you wouldn’t leave.”

 

Angie doesn’t know what to say but she knows that she wants her close. She tugs at her Sixers jersey until Jess gets the message and curls in beside her again. Her mouth rests against Angie’s ear again and it makes her breathing steadier. It makes it easier to turn to Jess and press their noses together.

 

“I’m not going anywhere,” she whispers. “I’m right here.”

 

//

 

Her mother appears the next morning, armed with rosary beads and overdramatic tears. Her father lags awkwardly behind her, shifting like he wants to do something but doesn’t know how. They don’t blink at the way that Jess is wrapped sleepily around her body, head resting on her chest. They practically ignore her as they move to either side of her bed and instantly shower her with affection she’s not used to.

 

“How’re you feeling, honey?” her pop asks and she glances up at him with a reassuring smile until he leans down and kisses her forehead.

 

Her mom pulls herself together before she takes Angie’s hand and holds it securely. “I’ve got a meeting with your principal at eleven and the police said they’d drop by here this morning.” She looks at Angie with a furor that’s almost unexpected. She’s gotten so used to no one knowing or caring what happens to her. “We’re gonna get em, baby,” she nods. “They’ll pay for this.”

 

Angie nods because she doesn’t have the strength to argue. She’s tired and Jess is warm and heavy against her. The drugs they’ve filled her with mixed with the concussion make her feel sick and dizzy. She just wants to sleep.

 

She wants to lie here, like this, because nothing hurts or matters.

 

//

 

The police come and are accompanied by her mom and her principal.

 

Jess remains loyal in the bed beside her, having adamantly refused to go anywhere but the bathroom or the vending machine at the end of the hall.

 

Angie refuses to speak while her mom and principal are in the room. Her mom blames his shitty school for Angie’s injuries, blames his lack of security for her hurt. Angie closes her eyes over the din of negativity and tries to fall back to sleep.

 

It’s Jess that tells them to leave. The nice lady police officer smiles at her in sympathy before pulling a chair closer to her bed.

 

“Do you know who hurt you?” she asks softly.

 

Angie glances away until Jess cups her face and urges their gazes to meet. She frowns at her, silently reminding Angie of the promise that she made to finally put an end to all this.

 

“I don’t know,” her dry, croaky voice eventually says. Her eyes stay on Jess’ and she shrugs sadly. “It could have been anyone.”

 

The police officer politely writes notes in her little book and ignores the girls in front of her. “Is that because you usually have good relationships with your classmates?”

 

Jess tenses in a way that makes Angie think she knows more than Angie ever led her to believe. She swings her legs until she’s sitting up with her back to Angie and takes a deep breath.

 

Her hand still holds Angie’s tightly.

 

“No,” she admits quietly. “It could be anyone because I can’t think of a person at that school who hasn’t tried to hurt me.” She laughs mirthlessly and the injuries to her face hurt as she does so. “I can’t even think of anyone at middle school who didn’t… Except for Jess and my brothers and sister…”

 

The police officer’s face falls into understanding and she nods sadly. She watches her quietly for a second before continuing. “How long has this been going on, Angela?”

 

Jess turns to her slowly, curiously and Angie looks at her softly, begging for everything to be okay. Her eyes well with tears and she shrugs the overwhelming feelings away before sighing.

 

“As long as I can remember,” she admits for the first time. “The first day I ever went to school, maybe?”

 

Jess quirks her head in disbelief and her back straightens as her eyes begin to water. Angie clutches her hand tighter and the police officer watches them carefully for a moment before she speaks again.

 

“Why’d you think they do it?”

 

Angie’s stomach sinks and she sucks back the sobs that she’s desperate to release. She presses her cannula-covered hand against her stomach and blinks up at the ceiling to stop them.

 

“Before, I had no idea… It was stupid. They made fun of my hair and glasses,” she explains thickly before taking a long, difficult pause. “But now they do it because they… because they—they think I’m gay.”

 

Jess’ gaze fixes on her but Angie avoids it by staring at the police officer, waiting for her reaction. She’s quiet and expressionless. There’s no judgment in her voice when she speaks.

 

“Have you ever tried telling them you’re not?” she asks.

 

When she shakes her head and the sobs finally release, nothing else needs to be said. They understand.

 

//

 

Jess still lies beside in her bed that night, and that’s the biggest relief there is.

 

Her head shares Angie’s pillow and she watches her curiously.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asks and Angie doesn’t have to question what she means. She’s not talking about the bullying. She’s not talking about the fact that she’s always been fighting. There’s a softness to her voice and her expression.

 

She shrugs and worries her bottom lip. “It didn’t feel important,” she admits. “It’s always been there.”

 

Jess wraps her hand around the back of her neck and pulls Angie until their foreheads rest together. For a moment, Angie thinks they’re going to kiss again but they don’t. Jess just quietly breathes her in and it’s better.

 

It’s how they fall asleep.

 

It’s how they wake up.

 

//

 

Her mom takes her out of school and starts home-schooling her.

 

She never asks about the bullying and Angie never tells her.

 

She spends her summer doing remedial work and manages to catch up and has almost all of her Sophomore year schooling done by the time her mom is back taking her siblings to school. It shocks her and Angie just shrugs it off as her mom tries to find more and more stuff for her to do. She completes Junior year by mid-September and when it looks like she’s going to graduate high school by Christmas, her mom forces her to take her SATs.

 

She completes the last of her high school work the same day in December that she finds out she got a 2390.

 

Her mom looks at her with a mix of relief and pride, and tells her that she should start looking for colleges.

 

Angela feels sick to her stomach with worry.

 

She doesn’t mention it to Jess.

 

//

 

A bunch of brochures arrive in the mail by the end of the year and Angie can’t help but feel that her mother knew this was going to happen. She mutters nonsensically about how that dumb school—the one that her other children still attend—didn’t know how to look after her.

 

She looks at her with pride, like this sudden rush of success makes sense to everything else.

 

She reads brochures for all the Ivy leagues and smiles smugly when her friends visit on Friday afternoons and they complain about their no-good children.

 

Her mother respects her wishes not to tell anyone what’s going on but it still unsettles Angie.

 

She isn’t even sixteen and she doesn’t know what she wants to do yet.

 

It’s too much.

 

//

 

She tells Jess about the SAT score and the graduating high school on New Years Eve.

 

She doesn’t even look surprised and she giggles proudly as she smothers Angie in a hug.

 

She looks through the brochures that Angie had hidden in the back of her closet and smiles to herself as she looks through the UPenn one.

 

It makes Angie feel bad because she doesn’t think she can go to UPenn.

 

She doesn’t know if she can stay in Philadelphia for much longer.

 

She knows that it’ll be safer for her in New York or New England or even on the west coast. She wants to be able to do something with her life that means something. She wants to help people. She wants to get justice somehow for the things she couldn’t before.

 

Most of all, she wants to feel free. She wants to escape.

 

Jess makes her feel free, but only in this room and in this bed.

 

She doesn’t know how much longer that will last.

 

With each day, everything feels smaller.

 

//

 

Three days later, she applies for Wellesley College but she doesn’t tell anyone.

 

It’s a long shot but she thinks this is what she wants.

 

She also applies for UPenn because she has too, and Bryn Mawr and Princeton because her mom asked her to.  

 

By the end of March, all four colleges have accepted her, and she doesn’t know what to do. She clutches the Wellesley letter to her chest and thinks about the way that Jess sleeps over every night because she misses her at school. She thinks about the way that she wakes up to find her body completely enveloped in Jess’. She remembers how she stirs awake every morning to the feel of warm fingers stroking her skin and warm blue eyes watching her carefully.

 

Everything feels different. It feels different in a way that could end up good but could also end up with her losing her best friend.

 

She hates that she can’t tell which.

 

//

 

She tells them about UPenn and Bryn Mawr and Princeton but she deliberately avoids telling them about Wellesley, even though she’s given them her decision.

 

Her parents pressure her to choose between the other three and she feels like she’s stuck completely until, one morning, her mom comments on something arbitrary and she snaps. She tells them she’s not going to UPenn or Bryn Mawr, shows them the acceptance letter for Wellesley and hates it how her mom looks scared and cries when she sees it. She nods in understanding anyway and her dad tells her he’ll be proud regardless.

 

She asks them not to tell her siblings and to definitely not tell Jess.

 

They agree but they don’t look happy.

 

_She_ doesn’t feel happy about this.

 

She’s too swept up in the way their relationship has changed since she left school, how Jess looks at her with that glint in her eye that makes her feel warm all over. They’ve started falling asleep kissing each other more often than not and she knows it’ll all stop if she tells the truth. She knows that everything will be changed and ruined, even as her life will finally start to make sense.

 

//

 

Jess finds out in May, a week before the end of school and almost a year to the day since she found Angie curled in a ball on a bathroom floor covered in blood.

 

Jess’ dad told her she has to start going home to see him on Sunday evenings, so their Sunday afternoons are spent lazing around in the top bunk where no one can see. They don’t talk about the kissing but that’s what they spend most of their time doing. Jess hovers above her and looks at her in a way that feels like a volcano about to erupt. She loves it and hates it at the same time but doesn’t say anything regardless.

 

“I have homework,” Jess whines, forehead resting against Angie’s lips.

 

Angie chuckles and holds her still so she can’t leave. “Sucks,” she comments. “I bet it’s math homework.”

 

Jess glances up and kisses her chin gently. “Geometry, actually,” she corrects. “That’s what I need your geometry set for, remember?”

 

“I don’t know why you didn’t just buy your own this year,” Angie sighs and wraps her arms and legs around her best friend’s body until they’re flush together. “It would have been so much easier.”

 

Jess’s mouth descends on her for what feels like the eight hundredth time and she sinks into it softly until Jess pulls back and looks down at her fondly. “But what other excuse would I have to come over and piss off Mama G?”

 

Angie giggles and Jess kisses her just one more time before completely untangling them from each other. She presses a teasing kiss to Angie’s stomach over her Phillies jersey before disappearing to the ground. Angie lays back and closes her eyes, hears her rustling around in her desk, as she replays every kiss they’ve shared since that morning.

 

“The fuck is it?” Jess mutters and there’s louder rustling until it stops completely and the room lapses into heavy silence. Angie doesn’t notice it at first and it’s not until she rolls onto her side and peers down at her best friend that she sees she’s holding a familiar crumpled envelope. It’s the same envelope that’s been hidden at the back of her middle drawer since March and Jess must guess what it is because her face falls and she holds the envelope like it’s a bomb.

 

“Jess—” Angie starts as she scrambles down the ladder to her. She grabs for the envelope but Jess yanks it away and pulls the letter from inside. “Jess—don’t—”

 

It’s useless because her best friend’s eyes are already glassing over with tears and anger she’s only seen a handful of times before. Her face is blank as she pulls the paper from inside but she clutches a hand to her stomach as the envelope drops to the floor. Angie falls to sit on the bottom bunk as deep, heaving breaths leave the only person in the universe she never wanted to hurt.

 

“You’re going to Wellesley?” Jess gasps, panicked.

 

Angie rips off the Band-Aid and nods her head quickly.

 

Jess’ face screws up in a mix of anger, terror and absolute sadness. She throws the letter at Angie from across the room and begins gathering her things. Angie fruitlessly tries to stop her, grabbing her hand until Jess turns and pushes her away. The force of it burns.

 

“You promised you’d never leave!” she cries as she pushes her again and again, tears rolling down her cheeks. “You _promised_!”

 

Angie’s shoulders slump and she lets Jess leave after that.

 

She wants to say, “I’m not going anywhere”, but it’s a lie.

 

//

 

She loses her best friend.

 

She kind of knew that would happen but she still did everything anyway.

 

Her mom looks at her with silent disappointment and her dad gives her that same confused look he always does, like he can’t figure her out. Her siblings don’t pay any attention to her but it’s not like they care. Her grandparents don’t understand why she wants to move so far away from home and her mom’s friends look at her like she’s some sort of neighborhood traitor.

 

Jess’ dad is usually pretty oblivious to most things but he looks at Angie sadly when she knocks on their door each afternoon at five o’clock. He tells her that Jess isn’t home but Angie knows better. She knows that she’s avoiding her.

 

//

 

She avoids her for a long time and Angie gives up after three weeks, hoping that eventually her best friend will come back soon.

 

It’s a long shot but she still holds out on hope.

 

She hasn’t felt this way since she was five years old. She’s completely misunderstood and incredibly lonely. She sleeps on the top bunk most nights because the pillow stills smells like Jess. It’s such a funny thing to need but it’s the only thing that helps her fall asleep until she finds one of Jess’ t-shirts hidden down the back of the bed.

 

It’s not enough but it helps.

 

It stops her from feeling like she’s out of orbit.

 

//

 

“You should apologize,” her ma says, sometime late in June.

 

Angie looks at her sadly and shakes her head. “I tried,” she whispers. “I’m pretty sure the only thing that would make her talk to me is telling her that I’m going to stay here and study.”

 

Her mother swallows thickly and this is how most of their days are now, with Angie either wallowing in her room reading or sitting at her mother’s kitchen table not really talking about the things they should.

 

“Would it be so bad?” her mother asks. “Staying here and studying?” Angie looks at her and her mother shrugs in false nonchalance. “I don’t understand why you want to move so far away…”

 

Angie is so done with it all that she stares at the side of her mother’s head for far too many minutes before speaking.

 

“I’ve never belonged here,” she says, eventually breaking the silence. “I’ve known that all my life. You’ve probably known it just as long… And the kids I went to school with knew it too.” She shrugs when her mother gives her a pointed look. “Mama, I was bullied every day from the minute I started school to the minute I almost ended up dead because of it.”

 

Her mother drops down into the chair beside her and reaches to grab Angie’s hand and hold it tightly. She holds it for a long time until her mother looks at her anxiously.

 

“Jess looks after you,” she eventually says and Angie feels her stomach sink as tears well inside of her.

 

She nods in agreement. “She does,” she whispers. “She does… but is that fair? Is it fair to expect her to do that for the rest of my life?” Her mother looks away. Angie tangles her fingers with her mothers so she can squeeze them tightly. “You have to let me go.”

 

Her mother keeps holding her hand.

 

Nothing else is said.

 

//

 

 

Every afternoon, she goes to the batting cages and hits balls into the air like it helps.

 

It doesn’t, but at least she doesn’t have to watch her mother’s disappointment or stare impatiently out the window for someone who never comes.

 

The loneliness feels like an ache, but no amount of rest manages to fix it.

 

She cries herself to sleep because sometimes she can’t if she doesn’t.

 

Her room feels too small and her house feels too cramped. The world feels small and sad and feelings she hasn’t felt in such a long time rise to the surface like bile. She doesn’t want to be here anymore. She doesn’t want to live this life.

 

But then she wonders if today might be the day that Jess forgives her and she forgets.

 

//

 

Everything she owns is packed into three very inconspicuous bags that line against the wall of her bedroom.

 

She has one more day left in Philadelphia tomorrow before her parents drive her to Wellesley the day after.

 

She has two more nights in this room and Jess still hasn’t said a word to her since that day in May when she left. She hasn’t even seen her.

 

She has two more evenings left to spend with her family and, instead of being with her, her mom is helping a friend and her dad is at a Phillies game. She has no idea where her siblings are. It’s a Wednesday night but she knows that her mom will probably drink a lot of red wine with her friends and that her dad will probably end up crashing on a friend’s couch. Her siblings probably won’t even come home.

 

She’s in her pajamas by seven and she’s slowly made her way through some of the reading list for next year.

 

She’s half-asleep, upside down on the top bunk with her glasses falling down her nose when she hears the kitchen door open. It doesn’t make her stir because it’s probably her mom, forgetting something. She waits for the telltale sound of it closing again but it never comes, but maybe Angie drifts off before she hears it.

 

She knows that isn’t true when she feels fingers slowly swipe the curls from her face and when a gentle finger slowly pushes her glasses back up her nose.

 

She stirs and frowns, gasps when she finds blue eyes staring shyly down at her.

 

The relief is so overwhelming it actually hurts. She breathes unevenly and bites the inside of her cheek nervously as Jess silently takes the forgotten book from her chest. Her hair is shorter, blonder, and Angie feels frozen as her best friend stands halfway up the ladder and looks down at her.

 

When gentle fingers begin combing through her hair again, the sobs rise in her throat like hiccups.

 

“Say something,” Jess mutters quietly but Angie furiously shakes her head because she can’t. She’s not even sure she can breathe without bursting into tears. Jess knows this, just from looking at her because she hushes her softly. She keeps stroking her hair as her other hand slowly reaches up to press over Angie’s heartbeat. “Okay. It’s okay,” she whispers understandingly. “But hurry up, yeah?”

 

Angie raises her brow in question and tears suddenly fill Jess’ eyes. Her jaw tenses and her bottom lip actually trembles as she fights back the emotions that are already running down her face.

 

She lowers herself to Angie’s ear and her mouth presses there with warm familiarity.

 

“I miss your voice,” she whispers through choked tears and Angie feels her body slump at her words, her hand reaching up to grab the one resting over her heart. Jess breaks completely and tears flood from within her as she buries her head into Angie’s shoulder. “I miss your voice…” she repeats like it’s enough to kill her. “I _miss_ it.”

 

Angie reaches to cup the back of her head and manages to turn their faces until their noses press awkwardly together. She softens as she stares desperately up the most consistent blue eyes she’s ever seen.

 

“I miss you,” she breathes. “I miss _you_.”

 

Jess’ face crumples and the hand in her hair tightens as the one on her chest reaches up to reverently stroke her face. She’s softer than anything Angie’s ever felt before and she takes a deep shuddering breath as the feeling overwhelms her. Jess studies her so carefully it’s like she’s trying to memorize every single bit of her face.

 

“I’m sorry,” she whispers brokenly.

 

Angie sighs. “Me too.”

 

Tears sniffle between the pair of them and when Jess runs her thumb over her bottom lip, Angie knows this is different. Nothing will be the same after this.

 

“I couldn’t handle it,” Jess murmurs, quietly honest. “I couldn’t even bear the thought of having to stay here without you. It felt like thinking about walking with no legs… or suddenly going blind or deaf or—”

 

Angie quiets her with soothing noises. If she’s honest, she doesn’t understand. She does but she doesn’t understand _this_ reaction from her best friend. She expected her to yell and scream again but all she looks is lost and sad. She looks so very small and lonely.

 

Jess studies her some more and Angie shivers when her thumb grazes over the thin scar along her hairline from the summer before. Her bottom lip quivers and Angie stares because there’s nothing else she can do.

 

“I thought I was enough,” she chokes. “I saw you that day we met and it was instinctive. I thought I could protect you from everything. From the bullies and your family and everyone else who doesn’t get it…” Her watery smile is Angie’s favorite thing. “I would set the world on fire for you if you asked me to but I know that’s not what you want.”

 

Angie shakes her head at Jess’ pause and nuzzles comfortingly into her palm.

 

“But I’ll let you go,” she nods and it sounds like she’s chewing razor blades, like she’s speaking the hardest words she’ll ever say. “If it’s what you need, I’ll let you go. I’ll drop everything tomorrow and come with you if you asked me to, but if not I’ll let you go.”

 

“Why?”

 

The words leave Angie without any real thought. They’re the only words her mind can conjure because none of this makes sense. This is her best friend. This is the girl who she’s followed _everywhere_. The one who never seemed interested in anything but the adventure that life threw at her. This is her best friend who is fierce and protective like a lion. Her best friend is a leader, but the person who stares down at her is not that person. The person looking down at her is waiting.

 

And Angie thinks that maybe she’s been waiting a long time.

 

She realizes that maybe she was never really the one doing the following at all.

 

Jess’ face falls and she sighs like suddenly her world makes sense. Fears and worries seem to drop away as the words breathe from her. “You don’t know?” she asks timidly and that’s not a description that Angela associates with her best friend.

 

Her brow quirks curiously and, within an instant, Jess’ gentle sobs turn into baby like tears. Whimpers leave her mouth as it descends desperately onto Angie’s to kiss her furiously.

 

“Because I _love_ you, Gee,” she breathes against her lips, hands grasping at all the skin she can reach. “I love you. I’ve loved you for such a long time.”

 

Angie does little more than stare at her with wide-eyes. If she was confused before she doesn’t know what she is now. Her hand clasps at the front of Jess’ t-shirt in shock and she suddenly feels too terrified to let her move any further away. Words fail her and Jess shrugs as much as she can in the small space Angie allows her.

 

“I’ve been waiting,” she admits softly, her hand still tracing the side of Angie’s face. “I kept kissing you hoping that you’d get it.”

 

The flood of understanding almost drowns her and before she really knows what’s happening, Angie’s bursting into tears, gasping for breath. She’s suddenly more terrified than in the months previous and she holds deathly firm at her best friend, as she doubts every decision she’s made.

 

Maybe staying in this tiny bedroom forever would be okay if it always felt like this.

 

Maybe her life isn’t so bad if Jess is beside her.

 

She tugs at Jess’ t-shirt until she’s on the bed and climbing over her. She pulls at Jess until she blankets her in the comfort she’s craved for too many days. She holds Jess to her with everything she has, clutches at her face because she missed it. She missed _this_ , this completeness that she doesn’t think she’ll understand until she’s much older and wiser.

 

“But I’ve always loved you,” she breathes in the miniscule space between their lips. Jess’ breath hitches and she looks so different, so scared, that Angie smiles and lets her hand slip down her back to press her as close as possible. “There’s nothing to wait for.”

 

It’s the deepest kiss they’ve ever shared but it still doesn’t feel deep enough.

 

//

 

It feels like such a cliché but she really doesn’t give a fuck.

 

Her best friend’s tongue is in her mouth, her hands have found confidence she didn’t know she possessed, and the last thing she cares about is how this looks. There’s an internal clock in her head that’s slowly running to zero as her best friend pins her to the top bunk of the bed they’ve been sleeping on for the better part of their childhood, and all she’s aware of is the things she hasn’t done yet. All she can think about, other than how wonderful it feels to have her best friend’s hands on her, is that there are too many things she’s always been too afraid or oblivious to do.

 

There are too many things she wants to experience with the person she loves most in the world and she has _hours_ to do them.

 

All they have is _hours_ and that’s what forces her to encourage Jess onto her back.

 

It’s new—bold, because Angie is never the instigator—and Jess gasps and arches into her, body trembling as Angie fits herself into the hollow of her hips.

 

“Can I touch you?” she whispers and the need that overcomes her is feverish. She does things she never thought she’d be able to do as her mouth sucks down Jess’ neck to get to her collarbones. “I’d like to touch you.”

 

Jess gasps again and drags her up until their mouths are warring and it feels like there isn’t enough oxygen in the world.

 

“Where?” she asks and it’s half innocent, half desperate with the need for reassurance.

 

Angie sucks on her bottom lip and gasps when hands disappear up the back of her sleep shirt. “Anywhere,” she gasps as Jess starts to kiss down her chin and along her jaw. “I want to kiss and touch you everywhere.”

 

Jess bites down on her neck, and Angie isn’t sure if it’s out of shock or if it’s calculated. A breathy moan leaves her lips and her hips rock into Jess’ and it’s too much, too much, too much.

 

But not enough. Not when Jess is also laving her tongue over the sore spot as her hands force their way between their tight bodies to get at the buttons of Angie’s sleep shirt. She pushes onto her hands and knees to give Jess room and her favorite part, she’s sure, is the way that Jess’ eyes widen and darken at the sight of the skin she reveals. She doesn’t care that she’s seen it hundreds of times in the decade they’ve known each other because now is the only time it matters. Reverent fingers trace the curves of her and it makes her smile until they’re replaced with a warm mouth.

 

“I want you,” Jess pants against her sternum, pushing until she presses Angie against the cold of the wall behind them. Her mouth goes everywhere, biting and leaving bruises along the curves of her waist and the swell of her bare breasts. Her shoulders are covered in little blushed marks but all Angie really registers is the way that Jess tangles her fingers in her hair to keep her close.

 

She doesn’t argue when Angie pulls her t-shirt from her body, or when she unsnaps her bra and tosses it off the side of the top bunk. Her mouth makes its own explorations and the sounds that leave Jess’ lips are something that she knows will replay in her dreams forever. She leaves her own little mark right above Jess’ heart and hopes that it stays there for days. It isn’t until they both reach down to simultaneously remove the clothes from their bottom halves that she realizes she has no idea what she’s doing.

 

Her best friend is naked beside her and she has no idea what she’s doing. Their legs are tangled dangerously together and Angie can see that secret place between her best friend’s thighs and she has _no idea what she’s doing_.

 

“I don’t know what to do,” she whispers and she’s glad when Jess does no more than grip at the collar of the button-down pushed down around her biceps and pull her in for a kiss.

 

It’s deep and dirty. Her hand is on Angie’s ass, squeezing intermittently and everything’s so warm. She pants desperately for breath as Jess rests their foreheads together.

 

“You’ve never touched yourself?” she asks and Angie shakes her head because her family is Catholic and her Nonna once hit her little brother when he was caught doing that. She told him God could see and, even though Angie doesn’t really believe in it, she didn’t want to risk it. Jess smiles softly, slowly, and then kisses her in the same way. “Do you want me to show you?”

 

Angie finds herself nodding, even though she isn’t sure what it means. She swallows thickly and kisses her once more before stuttering out. “Am I going to watch you?”

 

The look that passes Jess’ features is something she knows she’ll remember when she’s eighty years old. That need—that unadulterated _want—_ is so deeply carved out into her expression that Angie doubts she’ll ever look at her best friend again without seeing it.

 

Jess doesn’t say anything after that but she does roll onto her back a little so that Angie can see all the way down her body. She tugs Angie’s hand until it rests across her breasts and encourages her fingers to stroke her nipples. Angie props herself up on her elbow beside her as Jess’ hand softens down her own body, and watches in rapt silence as it disappears between her legs.

 

A gasp leaves her lips and Angie can feel blue eyes watching her, even as she can’t look away from the way fingers move deftly over Jess’ center. She only looks up when Jess gasps harshly against her and finds that her mouth has fallen open and her cheeks are flushed beautifully pink. Bending her head the few inches between them is instinctive but Jess still appreciates the kiss and whines out her thanks.

 

Her heart feels like it’s beating too fast and if this room was small before it feels tiny now. It’s like her entire universe has shrunk into this small space and she squeezes experimentally over Jess’ breasts as her hips quiver and shake from the touch she presses against herself. Angie’s hand dips down Jess’ stomach and the need to be the thing that causes these reactions overwhelms her.

 

“Can I…” she starts but Jess is already nodding. Her own movements stutter and slow and her breathing increases until Angie’s fingers slide down over the hand between her legs to help.

 

It’s wet and so, so warm. Scalding almost. Her body unconsciously shuffles closer to Jess and when their noses press together it feels right. Jess’ hand moves out of the way. Instead, it presses to Angie’s knuckles to guide her to the places she’s already found. The pads of her fingers slide softly over and around her and it’s of Angie’s own need that her fingers slip down to find Jess’ entrance, waiting patiently for permission. It’s with a soft urge to the back of her hand that she obliges.

 

They kiss slowly and she’s warmer inside than she was on the surface. She can feel every flutter and clench and it makes her own insides tingle, warmth soaking her sex as she moves with confidence and purpose. She moves to suck on Jess’ neck as the tips of her fingers search the soft and giving parts inside of her. She knows she’s probably leaving marks and she wants them to stay there like a tattoo. She wants Jess to remember this moment just like she wants to remember the way Jess’ hands run desperately over her body searching for more. Curse words pant from her best friend’s mouth, her hips lifting slowly off the bed, and Angie doesn’t know how but she can tell that it’s almost over. Everything gets wetter and tighter and she wants it to last forever at the same time she wants Jess to fall apart. Gasps leave her mouth and her fingertips press into Angie’s skin. Her mouth falls open and she struggles to kiss Angie back. Everything gets quicker and more desperate too quickly and when Jess’ back stays arched for long moments before her limbs begin to shudder and shake, it gives Angie a strange mix of pride and disappointment.

 

Her nose drags up Jessica’s jaw in the aftershocks, her lips pressing little kisses to her skin as she patiently waits. Jess continues gasping for breath and it’s not until her head falls to the side to look at Angie that Angie actually feels nervous. She can still feel Jess clenching comfortably around her fingers.

 

“Where did that come from?” Jess mumbles and her voice is like honey, thick and sweet and covering her in stickiness. Angie smiles shyly and shrugs her shoulders, feeling one last clench around her fingers before Jess reaches down to remove them.

 

She lifts Angie’s hand to her mouth and Angie feels her entire being quake when Jess takes glistening fingers into her mouth to clean them. The ache in her pelvis demands attention and she can taste the difference in her mouth when Jess leans over and kisses her. She loves it.

 

She rolls onto her side and Angie lets every single feeling of excitement, fear and panic flutter inside of her chest. Jess parts her thighs with a knee and encourages one to rest over her hip. The sudden rush of air between them makes Angela aware of the moisture dripping from within her and she wants to blush but she’s sure she probably is already.

 

Jess doesn’t say anything as her hands curve over Angie’s body. She coaxes her into short kisses and studies her carefully between each one. Angie’s stomach ripples with the breaths that pant quietly from within her, giving away the composure she’s desperate to keep.

 

“Are you scared?” Jess asks as she swirls figures of eight over her hips with soft fingertips.

 

Angie shakes her head quickly and reaches to grip at Jess’ bicep so her hand doesn’t stop. It makes her incredibly aware that her hands are shaking.

 

“I’m just nervous,” she admits and it makes Jess smile.

 

She kisses her once more before pressing their foreheads together. “I’ll look after you,” she reminds her.

 

And it’s those words that settle her down. That reminder is the thing she needs and Jess must have known it because it’s then that her hand slips down to touch her.

 

Her shocked gasp causes Jess’ mouth to part and Angie bites her lip to fight back the louder sounds that threaten to release from within her. She can feel Jess’ touch everywhere and every part of her tingles as Jess strokes over her as softly and carefully as she can.

 

“Okay?” she checks and Angie nods quickly as she tries to hold her tighter. Their foreheads rest together and Angie can’t help but look between their bodies to make sure it’s real.

 

And it’s strange—overwhelming, really—to know that there are these parts of her body that can make her feel this way with one touch. She wants to know if it feels this way just because of biology or because it’s Jess who’s touching her. She wants to know how much _less_ it would feel if it were her own hands because she knows, inherently and instinctively, that it would never feel this way if it were anyone else but Jess.

 

Jess’ fingers slip around what she figures is her clit and it feels like a landslide inside of her. Her hips shudder and jerk and she bites back a whimper as Jess fails to let up, forcing the sensations to build inside of her. It’s like she’s no longer in control of her own body and she breathes unevenly, head arching back as her hips move of their own volition.

 

“Good?” Jess asks and she can barely nod as it feels like there’s a knot loosening inside of her. Jess’ fingers slip lower—asking silently—and a whine leaves Angie’s lips at the mere thought of it. She pushes forward until Jess is on her back again, straddles her thighs and kisses her desperately. She whines again when Jess’ fingers retreat to her clit and reaches between their bodies to put the hand back where she wants it. Jess pulls back questioningly. “You sure?”

 

Angie groans in frustration and the giggle that flutters from Jess’ lips really doesn’t help. She kisses it away, sucking Jess’ bottom lip when her fingers first dip inside of her. Her brow furrows and her hips press down desperately wanting her deeper in a way she doesn’t understand.

 

“Slowly,” Jess tells her, softly whispered between their lips as she strokes her carefully. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

 

At first Angie doesn’t understand, but then she does and it frustrates her. She nods in understanding and grips the sheets at Jess’ shoulders as Jess slowly works her up. There’s a moment when the feeling becomes so much that she thinks she’s actually going mad, but then Jess has two perfect fingers inside of her and she forgets everything.

 

She feels possessed and her hips start to rock of their own accord, desperate to find a release that she doesn’t really understand. She’s vaguely aware of how she’s panting into Jess’ mouth and how Jess keeps sweeping the thick curtain of her hair away from their faces. A hand squeezes her backside every few moments and it spurs her along, encourages her until she hears the wood of the bed start to creak and an uncontrollable laugh breaks free from her. Jess laughs too and their eyes open to find each other before they’re collapsing into breathless kisses and desperate moans.

 

Angie’s arm finds it’s way around the back of Jess’ neck and she holds them together as Jess’ fingers work inside of her. Their skin sticks together from sweat and summer heat and their bodies slide like this is all they were made to do. Jess mutters encouraging nothingness as their noses press together and Angie can feel the thing building inside of her starting to fall apart. Jess swallows each of her moans into a kiss and it feels like an earthquake starting inside of her, right in the deepest unseen parts of her and she groans as her body gives in to the feeling of heat and liquid pleasure seeping all through her body.

 

It leaves her a boneless, shuddering mess and she’s glad for Jess holding her waist as she feels like she might float away otherwise. The feeling lasts forever, radiates through her to destroy every bit of pain, worry and fear from within her for long, perfect minutes.

 

She knows, in that moment, as she slumps completely against Jess’ body, that her life will never be the same again.

 

“I love you,” Jessica breathes as Angie lets her eyes flutter in content exhaustion.

 

Angie turns to press a lingering kiss to her pulse and sighs.

 

“I love you, too.”

 

//

 

“Tell me everything,” Jess says after a long time of just lying there looking at each other.

 

Angie takes in a deep breath and lets it out in a heavy sigh. “Do you really want to know?” she says carefully. “Because we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

 

Jess shakes her head and fixes her with a look.

 

“Angie, I’m really scared that you’re going to leave and something’s going to happen to you and I won’t be able to run up the street and fix it,” she explains with thick words. “I need you to tell me that this is what you really want. I need you to make me understand.”

 

Angie leans forward and kisses her quickly because, honestly, she doesn’t know what she’ll do if something goes wrong, and she feels so lucky that she has this person who so selflessly wants to save her all the time.

 

“They have this Peace and Justice Studies major,” she starts carefully. “I think that’s what sold it for me, you know? That maybe I’d be able to learn how to fight for myself, for other people… I don’t know. It’s all about conflict resolution and that sort of stuff.” She props herself up on her elbow and shrugs. “I was thinking maybe I’d be a lawyer or something after… Help people who can’t or don’t have the ability to help themselves…”

 

Jess’ eyes are wide and glassy. She doesn’t look upset, just really, really overwhelmed.

 

“It’s an all girls college,” she says only for Jess to cut her off with a low whistle. She rolls her eyes and carries on regardless of the smirk on her face. “Some people have to share in triple rooms but I’ve got a single. My mom called the residential services department when I said I’d be fine sharing with someone else and told them that I had to have a single. She ended up on the phone for like an hour and a half talking to this person who’s apparently going to make sure they look after me…”

 

Jess laughs as Angie rolls her eyes as she props herself up on her elbow too. “You’re gonna miss her,” she states. Angie rolls her eyes again. “You _are_.”

 

Angie nods begrudgingly and looks down at the small gap of space between them. “You’ll check on her?”

 

Jess’ expression changes and she nods quietly. “Of course,” she says. “Keep telling me things, smarty pants. Tell me what else you’ll do…”

 

//

 

“I’ll visit during break,” Angie mutters sleepily. Jess is wrapped around her back and there’s a chin pressed familiarly into her neck. “I can come back for Thanksgiving and Christmas and Spring Break. Then, next summer, we can do whatever we want.”

 

Jess hums in agreement. “Don’t forget,” she says softly. “Don’t forget me.”

 

Angie doesn’t think she’ll sleep but she enjoys the way that Jess slowly softens around her body. “I won’t,” she whispers. “Every break until you can get out of here, I’ll come back. I promise. Then, when you decide what you wanna do, we’ll figure something else out…”

 

Jess shuffles into her some more until Angie can feel every naked inch of her in a way that makes her eyes flutter. “I still want to go to Upenn.”

 

“Then I’ll keep coming back on breaks,” Angie plans quietly. “And then, when I graduate Wellesley, I’ll go to Upenn for law school.”

 

Jess kisses her shoulder. “Sounds good.”

 

Angie can’t help but agree.

 

//

 

They spend the whole of the next day in bed, their only highlight being when Angie’s mom walks in on them early that morning.

 

She looks at them in confusion and shock at first, but then her expression changes into one of relief and understanding. There’s something about the way that she smirks and shakes her head as she leaves that makes Angie think she knew this would happen all along.

 

They quietly make each other come over and over again after that. Their hands work in tandem as their mouths search out endless kisses and leave darkening marks. Angie grows bold in the early light of the afternoon and kisses her way down Jess’ body, kissing and tasting soft parts of her until she has to smother Jess’ moans with fingers that instantly get bitten and sucked. She learns that it’s possible to get drunk on the mere taste of her best friend.

 

At dinnertime, her mother knocks and reminds her that they have family dinner tonight. Angie is just about dreading it until her mom knocks again and tells them to both hurry up and get ready.

 

Jess wears the jeans she came over in the night before and one of Angie’s sweaters. No one looks surprised when she sits down at the table and she holds her own as normal against Angie’s grumpy aunts and scary Italian grandmother. She teases Angie’s brothers and it’s just like any other dinner.

 

It’s just like any other dinner except Jess holds her hand beneath the table and it makes her feel safe. She holds her hand and it reminds her that everything is completely different.

 

“Wanna go somewhere?” Jess asks when the house starts getting loud and rowdy with unnecessary arguments. Angie nods quietly and lets Jess drag her through their neighborhood until they get to the batting cages. They’re closed but they go to the park next to it and Jess sits down on the swings before pulling Angie until she’s straddling her lap.

 

“People can see,” Angie reminds her as Jess reaches up to kiss her.

 

Jess kisses her anyway.

 

//

 

They just sleep that night.

 

Jess pulls Angie into her chest and holds her hand over her stomach and it feels like every other night except neither of them is actually sleeping.

 

They don’t say anything either and when the sunlight starts pouring in through the window, Angie tugs Jess’ arms tighter around her and Jess obliges by holding her as hard as she can.

 

“We just have to make it until Thanksgiving,” Angie mutters.

 

She still feels quiet tears against the back of her neck.

 

//

 

She sits with her back against the wall on the bottom bunk while Angie gets the last of her stuff together.

 

“Ma says you could drive up with us if you wanted,” Angie reminds her.

 

Jess shakes her head. “I probably won’t come back.”

 

Angie nods and sits down on the edge of the bed in front of her, reaching for her hands. “What do we do then?” Her breath catches. “I don’t think I’ve ever said goodbye to you before.”

 

Jess sniffles and then wraps her arms around her middle to rest her chin on Angie’s shoulder. They sit like that for a long time before Jess turns and kisses the crook of her neck.

 

“We don’t say goodbye,” she says. “You just tell me you love me, kiss me, then walk out the door.”

 

Angie looks at her unsurely for a moment before gritting her teeth and reaching up to cup her cheek. She brings their noses together and sighs.

 

“I love you,” she whispers against her lips.

 

Jess smiles and nods. Her hands reach up to grasp at Angie’s shirt. “I love you too.”

 

They kiss and kiss and kiss until Angie’s mom comes and knocks on the door.

 

Jess looks at her like she wants to say something but she never does. Only when she presses one last kiss to Angie’s lips and pushes at her shoulder, does Angie leave. She grabs her backpack from the desk and only turns around when she has to.

 

It still feels like goodbye.

 

//

 

She falls in love at first sight the minute she sees Wellesley College.

 

She falls in love with the green trees and the big lake, the old buildings and the ridiculous traditions. It feels like some small part inside of her finally breathes out in relief. The instant feeling of freedom and happiness overwhelms and her parents look relieved too as they take her bags and her new bed linens up to her brand new room before leaving.

 

She settles in quietly, leaves her door open and says a timid and polite hello to all the girls that walk by and introduce themselves.

 

Everyone seems nice and friendly and she turns to her left to tell the only person she ever wants to tell anything and finds she’s not there.

 

It’s her first crash back into reality and it’s not until much later, when she can’t sleep and she walks the halls of her dorm to find a payphone, that she feels truly unsettled.

 

“Are you settling in okay?” Jess whispers over the phone, and Angie’s not actually sure if they’ve ever spoken to each other on the phone before.

 

“Yeah,” she says back, tucked in a tiny nook of this old castle-like building she finds herself in. “My room’s bigger than I thought and I can see the trees and the lake. I have this huge pin board on the wall by my bed and I put your picture on it.”

 

Jess breathes in unsteadily and Angie somehow knows that she’s crying. “That’s good,” she nods. “That’s really good.”

 

//

 

She doesn’t call Jess again until fourteen days later and she sounds tired and sluggish.

 

“School’s already kicking my ass,” she says when Angie asks if she’s okay. It sounds fake and forced and all she has to do is sternly say her full name before she’s breathing unevenly. “I can’t sleep without you,” she admits in a slow, hushed whisper. “You feel so far away.”

 

It causes Angie’s breath to hitch and she takes the bus into Boston on her next free day and finds Jess a big fluffy plush dog in a toy store, sleeps with it in her bed for four days straight, before she stuffs it in a box and mails it all the way back to Philadelphia.

 

“I’ve always wanted a puppy,” she whispers when Angie calls her next. “And it smells like you.”

 

The day after, two planes fly into the World Trade Center in New York and Angie’s never felt farther away than when she watches the news that morning.

 

//

 

Her dad won’t let her fly home for Thanksgiving and won’t let her get a train either because her Uncle Pete says that they’ll be next.

 

No one will come pick her up and her mom cries down the phone when she asks what the hell she’s supposed to do then. She cries and yells at her father but he puts his foot down and Angie ends up staying at school for Thanksgiving break.

 

Jess sighs when she tells her and they stay on the phone, not actually speaking but listening to each other breathe, for a really long time.

 

//

 

“He’s making me fly to Florida for Christmas,” Jess explains when she calls sometime early December. “Apparently my mom is sick and there’s nobody else. We thought she was in Jersey.”

 

Angie nods to herself and clears her throat. She feels lonely but in a different way. She’s not homesick. She doesn’t miss her mom or her dad or her siblings. She’s personsick and she knows she would be fine if she could just see Jess for five minutes but it’s practically impossible.

 

“So you won’t be back when I’m home?” she checks and when Jess starts crying down the phone, she gets her answer.

 

It makes her feel powerless and she hushes gentle noises across the line until Jess finally calms down.

 

“I just wanna see you,” Jess whimpers and Angie can’t say anything because if she does she knows she could end up making stupid choices and irrational decisions. “I just miss you.”

 

She listens to Jess cry for another twenty minutes before she has to get to class.

 

//

 

Jess ends up going to Florida to see her mom at Spring Break too.

 

Angie doesn’t even bother going home.

 

//

 

She doesn’t see her until May and when she gets off the train after five hours, Jess is standing at the station waiting for her.

 

Angie kisses her without thinking, right there on the platform and Jess doesn’t argue so she doesn’t stop.

 

She looks older and her hair is longer again. It’s a little darker and Angie runs her fingers through it as Jess clings to her and tries to steady her breathing.

 

She drags her back to her Dad’s house and, when Angie gives her a questioning glance, explains that he’s in Florida for the next three days to check on her mom. She has her undressed in mere minutes and Angie doesn’t argue when she gets pressed back onto Jess’ large queen bed.

 

They don’t emerge for four days and Angie’s mom rolls her eyes at her when they finally show up at home. She presses a lingering kiss to both their foreheads and serves them spaghetti and meatballs until they feel sick.

 

//

 

That’s how she spends most of her summer.

 

Jess’ dad either works or visits her mom in Miami and they use the empty house to be as loud or brazen as they want to be. They relearn each other through touch and Jess asks her questions about college because she’s about ready to apply for her own.

 

There are love bites all over her body again and she wonders if it’s weird, to like how Jess can’t help but mark her. She wonders if it’d be weirder, to ask her to keep doing it, so that she has something to remember her by when she heads back to school.

 

She feels older than she ever has done before and it feels good.

 

It feels better.

 

//

 

“Have you slept with anyone else?” Jess asks one evening when they’re eating ice cream in bed and not using bowls.

 

Angie looks up from where she’s been licking Jess’ stomach and doesn’t know how to react.

 

“No…” she says eventually. “Why, have you?”

 

Jess shakes her head concisely and then takes the ice cream from her. When Angie keeps staring at her like she’s waiting for the punch line, Jess shrugs and explains.

 

“I haven’t slept with anyone and I don’t plan on sleeping with anyone,” she says softly. “But that’s mostly because I’ve known ninety percent of the people in my school for most of my life and I hate all of them because most of them at some point were mean to you.”

 

Angie frowns.

 

“But, you know, you’re in a school with all these people you’ve never met who are new and exciting,” Jess continues. “And it’s an all girls school which probably means a lot of those girls are hot and boning each other and I just wanted to know if you were joining in.”

 

Angie smirks at her cuteness and steals the ice cream back before “accidentally” dropping some more on Jess’ stomach. She cleans it up diligently before resting her chin on Jess’ stomach and glancing up at her.

 

“I’ve thought about it,” she admits quietly. “But, honestly, most of the other girls think I’m too young and I won’t shut up talking about my best friend back home, so…”

 

It makes Jess smile but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “We’re hopeless,” she says and Angie nods. “But I wouldn’t mind, you know? If there were other people.” When Angie frowns, she shrugs. “I don’t want you to be alone.”

 

Angie kisses her stomach and shakes her head. “I’m not,” she says. “I still have you.”

 

The look Jess gives her is tight and doubtful. It scares her.

 

//

 

The closer the end of summers comes, the more it feels like Jess is trying to prove something.

 

She bites so hard that Angie almost bleeds. She fucks her so hard that sometimes it straddles that line between pain and pleasure. She kisses her so hard that sometimes Angie thinks she’s trying to swallow her whole and she doesn’t understand it.

 

She misses the soft, gentle girl who looks after her.

 

They fall asleep wrapped together but wake up with Jess faced away on the other side of the bed.

 

Things feel like they’re falling apart but Angie doesn’t understand how when they’re still together.

 

//

 

Sometimes it feels like Jess doesn’t want her there anymore.

 

She says things that Angie knows aren’t true, makes up excuses that she soon figures out to be false. She knocks on Jess’ front door at the same time every morning and every morning Jess looks at her like she wishes she hadn’t.

 

All Angie wants is to soak up the time they have together. All she wants is to be _near_ her, but all Jess wants is to find something else to do. She drags her to high school parties with the people who used to bully her and doesn’t let Angie touch her. She can deal with it at first because she knows she’s better than all of them now. She knows how to handle herself.

 

But when Jess brings her to the parties every night for a week in a row, Angie can’t do it anymore.

 

“Can we do something else?” Angie asks as Jess sweeps make up over her face and puts on a skirt so short her Nonna would pray to all the saints if she saw it.

 

Jess doesn’t look at her. “Why?”

 

Angie shrugs her shoulders and sighs. “I don’t know… I just thought we could spend time together.”

 

“We always spend time together,” Jess shoots back immediately and it makes Angie feel sick with unexplained embarrassment for a moment. “It’ll be fun.”

 

She nods. “Yeah, I know but…” she swallows thickly. “You know how I feel about those guys.”

 

It’s the bored roll of Jess’ eyes that upsets her the most. “No one is going to bully you anymore,” she sighs irritated. “If you don’t want to come, just go home but I’m still going.”

 

Angie looks at her and she doesn’t understand why Jess would want to hang around with the people that, not a few weeks ago, she said she hated. She doesn’t understand why she still wants to be around them.

 

It makes her laugh in annoyance. “But you hate everyone there,” she says, standing behind Jess and suddenly filled with uncontrollable anger. “They’re the people that nearly fucking killed me.”

 

Jess spins madly around to her and throws the lipstick in her hand across the room.

 

“Yeah, but at least they didn’t leave,” she spits and Angie knows that she regrets it the minute she says it but that doesn’t stop her wanting to slap her best friend for the first time in her life, if only to knock some sense into her.

 

But she knows better, so she nods and tries not to cry in front of her.

 

“Right,” she says. “Whatever.”

 

She leaves instead.

 

//

 

She doesn’t see her for three days and when she does, Jess is drunk and stinks of sweat and weed. She stumbles up to Angie’s house at midnight and Angie looks up at her from the spot on the back steps, pausing in her search to look for stars.

 

“I’m sorry,” Jess slurs and then stumbles. “I’m just… I didn’t…”

 

Angie sighs and gets up. She grabs her by the arm and leads her back to her dad’s house. She shoves her in the bath to get rid of the smell and then dresses her in clean clothes to keep her warm. She makes her pancakes and forces her to eat them with a big glass of water and some painkillers.

 

She has every intention of leaving as soon as she tucks her into bed but all that goes out of the window when Jess asks her to stay.

 

For once, she’s the one who wraps her body around Jess’ and she doesn’t sleep for a minute. She intermittently strokes Jess’ hair until the sun rises and then glares at her sadly when she wakes up.

 

She has a headache, that much is for sure, and she rolls onto her back and presses the heels of her hands into her eyes until she can’t anymore.

 

“I’m sorry,” she breathes despondently. Her voice is raspy and thick. Angie wonders if she’s started smoking. “I’m sorry. I’m just… I’m shit at this. I’m shit at being without you.”

 

Angie feels unexpected tears at the statement. “You think I’m any different?”

 

Jess looks away. “You have your school stuff,” she says. “You probably don’t have time to miss me.”

 

Angie frowns at her in a mix of sadness and annoyance. “I miss you every minute of the fucking day, Jess.” Blue eyes turn to look at her curiously. “You’re still the _only_ person in the world who gets me and that will never change.”

 

Jess nods but Angie still feels like she doesn’t quite believe her. She reaches for Angie’s hand on her stomach and grips it tightly.

 

“You’re leaving again soon,” she whispers and Angie sees fear and worry. “It’s already driving me crazy.”

 

Angie leans down to kiss her.

 

She doesn’t know how to say it’s driving her crazy too.

 

//

 

They’re in exactly the same position they were the last time she left.

 

Jess sits on the bottom bunk with her back to the wall while Angie packs the last of her things into her bags. She stops when Jess gets up and wraps her arms around her, holding her tight. It feels final and she clutches back despite the worries she feels.

 

“Say goodbye to me,” Jess says and it strikes fear into her.

 

She shakes her head adamantly and kisses her softly. “No,” she says. “I’m going to tell you I love you, kiss you and then walk out the door.”

 

Jess smiles sadly and sighs. “Then tell me.”

 

Angie kisses her again instead and ends up pressing her against the wall until they’re both panting together. Jess looks small and scared and her nails bite into Angie’s skin as she waits with her eyes closed.

 

“I love you,” Angie says eventually.

 

Jess nods and sighs. “I love you too,” she returns. “More than anything.”

 

They kiss slowly. Jess pushes her back from the wall and grips at her madly. She kisses her until Angie is the one pressed against the wall.

 

Then she leaves.

 

//

 

She stops answering the phone. She stops returning the occasional email that they used to shoot back and forth between each other.

 

When she asks her mom if she’s seen her, her mom tells her that her dad’s been in Florida a lot and she’s not sure if Jess is with him.

 

When it carries on into the fall, Angie calls her big sister who tells her that, last she heard, Jess was busy with extracurriculars for college and applying to schools. She also mentions that Jess has been spending a lot of time with the guys from the football team.

 

It drives Angie crazy and she has nothing, she has no way to contact her, no way to make sure she’s okay.

 

It makes her angry.

 

It makes her feel out of place.

 

//

 

When she looks back, meeting Brittany S. Pierce probably saved her life.

 

Or at least her dignity.

 

Angie doesn’t really notice her until they’re at a mixer and one of the new freshmen starts chatting shit about things she doesn’t know. It’s the kind of moment that makes the inherent Italianness inside of her rise up. Her patience has been drawn thin since the moment the semester started. Her friend Jenna looks at her as she rolls her eyes, and without thinking, taps the edge of her hand between her breasts in annoyance, knowing that no one will know what it means.

 

But when someone giggles immediately after, at a very serious and unfunny part of the idiot’s story, Angie figures that the laugh was knowingly aimed at her. She looks up to find a pair of kind eyes staring back at her. Angie’s brow raises and she realizes that everyone is looking at this girl while the girl is looking at Angie.

 

“Sorry,” the girl says to the idiot storyteller. “I just thought of something way funnier.”

 

It makes Idiot Storytellers face drop into embarrassment when everyone laughs too.

 

The girl winks at Angie and Angie thinks she needs to be this girl’s friend.

 

//

 

The girl approaches her about an hour later when Angie is piling her paper plate with free pizza.

 

After all, it’s the only reason she came.

 

Neither of them says anything but the girl eyes the pizza wearily before glancing at Angie and tapping the edge of her palm against her side.

 

Angie instantly knows what it means: _I’m hungry_.

 

It’s how her uncles talk to her Nonna when they’ve got their faces already full of food.

 

“You don’t look very Italian,” Angie comments.

 

The girl laughs and shakes her head. “Not at all. Half my family is Dutch and the other half is from Georgia. You?”

 

Angie glances up at her. “Philadelphia. Half Irish. Half Italian.”

 

“Ah. Angry Italian Grandma,” the girl comments and Angie finds herself turning to look at her. The girl is smirking knowingly and Angie finds herself blinking slowly in response. The girl chuckles and shakes her head. “I was going to tell you I’m a Mets fan, but now I’m thinking it might make you kill me.”

 

Angie turns her nose up. The girl just laughs again.

 

“I’m Brittany,” she says, holding her hand out.

 

Angie takes the hand and grips it tightly. “Angela Giardino.”

 

The girl nods appreciatively and slaps a slice of pepperoni onto a paper plate.

 

She walks away without another word.

 

It’s probably the highlight of Angie’s week.

 

//

 

She quickly learns lots of things about Brittany S. Pierce.

 

She’s a Freshman. She’s a year older than Angie’s seventeen years and within weeks there’s already rumors moving around the dorms about her and her exciting her life.

 

She’s from New York and her mom is a famous poet. She speaks a million languages and she’s been to more countries than Angie knew existed. She’s blonde, tanned and beautiful and her clothes are a weird mix of a thousand cultures. She’s endearing, but mostly, she’s kind.

Angie knows that when Brittany finds her pulling her hair out in the dining hall and sits down opposite her with a grin.

 

“Sup, Fresh Prince,” she says and Angie rolls her eyes because _original_.

 

She gives her a look that has Brittany giggling at her own stupidity. “I’m from South Philadelphia, thank you very much.”

 

Brittany peels back the top of a pudding cup and keeps smirking. “At the moment, you look like you’re from Crazy Town. Anything I can help with?”

 

Angie throws down her pen and reaches for her sandwich instead. It has her immediately missing her mom’s corned beef and cabbage.

 

“It’s nothing,” she says petulantly. “I’m just taking this course on Asian-American writers and I thought it would be a lot easier than it is but I just… fucking hate it.”

 

Brittany glances at her over the pudding cup and frowns. “You’re a sophomore?” she asks. When Angie just glares in confusion, Brittany shrugs. “What? You’re tiny. And I wanted to take that class but they wouldn’t let me because I was a freshman. Anything I can help with?”

 

Angie shakes her head, grateful and annoyed at the same time. “Not unless you speak, like, Indian or whatever…”

 

When Brittany smiles, it confuses her.

 

“I don’t speak _Indian_ ,” she quips smartly. “But I am pretty conversational in Hindi, Tamil and Malayalam.”

 

Angie glares. “You’re funny.”

 

Brittany shrugs. “I’m serious.”

 

Angie’s face changes and she studies this girl curiously because, honestly, she doesn’t seem possible. She doesn’t seem real.

 

But when she looks back at Angie smiling kindly, she doesn’t have it in her to question anymore. How can she with that smart smirk staring back at her?

 

“I actually have class now but…” she shrugs her shoulders. “I could come by your dorm later and help?”

 

She leaves before Angie can agree.

 

After thinking about it, she doubts she would anyway.

 

//

 

Brittany doesn’t come to her dorm that day, or any of the days following, but they run into each other regularly over the next week and try to find the time.

 

When they finally do find the time, it probably doesn’t help that Angie is angry and frustrated after a phone call with her mother.

 

“She doesn’t want to speak to you,” her mother finally admits after a phone call every two days since the day the semester started and a million different excuses. “She wants to concentrate on school and college and…” Her mother pauses and Angie hates the rage that swells inside of her. “She just needs some time to figure out what she wants.”

 

The realization that what Jess wants might not be her drives her absolutely crazy and she hangs up on her mother without saying goodbye.

 

It’s just her luck that Brittany walks past at that precise moment, a knowing look on her face that has her stepping over and dropping her backpack at Angie’s feet where she sits on the floor against the wall.

 

“Wanna go get food?” she asks and Angie shakes her head. “Coffee? Alcohol? Cigarettes?” Angie glances up at her as she lists and glares at her in confusion. “Just stop me when I get to something that’ll help.”

 

It makes Angie smile and she leans forward, wrapping her arms around her bent knees as Brittany drops down to sit in front of her.

 

She sighs airily. “How about this?” she says. “We get Chinese take-out, head back to my dorm, and work on your Asian-American writers paper?” She shrugs. “I’ve got all my dictionaries back in my room and I have a bottle of rum if things are that bad.”

 

Angie feels herself softening. “Chinese food and homework sounds good, actually.”

 

Brittany punches her in the arm. “Atta dweeb, Fresh Prince,” she says before jumping up.

 

Angie rolls her eyes so hard they almost get stuck.

 

//

 

It happens without her really thinking about it.

 

Brittany is nice and easy to talk to. She’s probably the second easiest person she’s ever been able to talk with. She doesn’t ask questions and she seems to get Angie better than most other human beings. She buys her Chinese and gives her the bottle of rum just in case she needs it.

 

They don’t open it but Brittany talks to her animatedly about the different Indian cultures, explains things to her that she doesn’t get, and tells her stories about all the different people she’s met. It makes Angie smile and she forgets everything for a while as darkness descends over the lake outside her window. Everything somehow still seems light as Brittany talks to her in brightly sounding Hindi and tries to teach her phrases that she doesn’t even understand.

 

She could be saying anything but it doesn’t really matter because she sucks at it anyway. It’s not until she collapses into giggles and Brittany just stares at her that the mood even changes.

 

Brittany mumbles something softly in Hindi and Angie can feel the change in her tone. It softens her and Brittany just smiles with bright blue eyes.

 

“What does that mean?” she asks and, without knowing why, now is when Angie opens the bottle of rum and takes a long gulp, just to take the edge off.

 

Brittany swipes the bottle from her hands after and takes her own gentle gulp.

 

“I said that you look gorgeous when you laugh,” she tells her and Angie feels her cheeks turn pink for a reason that isn’t embarrassment or shock. She doesn’t know what it is.

 

All she knows is that it has her hand wrapped around the back of Brittany S. Pierce’s neck a moment later as she kisses her deeply.

 

It’s new but she likes it. It’s different but she thinks that’s what she needs. Brittany looks at her in surprise and appreciation and that’s it. That’s all Angie needs to tell her this is okay. This is all that she needs to try and forget.

 

She has Brittany’s bottom half bare minutes later, her thighs thrown over her shoulders and squeezing her ears, as she kneels on one of her throw cushions on the floor.

 

Brittany makes new noises, likes different things.

 

It’s what Angie needs.

 

//  

 

It only gets weird after, when she’s straddling Brittany’s lap.

 

She tries to bite Angie’s throat as she kisses up it and it sets panic all through her body. She laughs awkwardly and pushes at her shoulders until Brittany looks up at her in confusion. She removes herself from Brittany’s lap and reaches down to the floor to pick up her shirt. She throws it over her head and sits herself at the end of the bed.

 

She feels Brittany watching her for a few moments before she grabs a pillow, throws it into Angie’s lap, and lays her head there.

 

“Wanna talk about it?” she asks.

 

Angie smiles and presses her hand to Brittany’s forehead before stroking back wayward curls of her blonde hair.

 

“Nope,” she shakes her head softly.

 

Brittany bites her lip and narrows her eyes. “Have you done that before?” she asks until Angie looks at her curiously. “Been with a girl, I mean…”

 

It makes Angie laugh and she sucks her bottom lip into her mouth before raising her brow in answer.

 

“I should have known that,” Brittany giggles. “You were way less awkward than me.”

 

That makes Angie laugh out loud and she scratches her fingers against Brittany’s scalp as she stares up at her. “I don’t think I’ve ever been less awkward than anyone before,” she chuckles. “And you didn’t do too bad. Excuse me if I find it hard to believe that you, possibly the biggest flirt I’ve ever met, has never done that before.”

 

Brittany rolls her eyes and smirks. “Only with boys,” she admits. “But I think I’ve always wanted to.” Her face screws up in thought. “I really like people. Even more so when they’re naked and happy…”

 

Angie smirks at her. “That’s very noble of you.”

 

Brittany nods in agreement before her face falls and she considers Angie carefully. She takes Angie’s spare hand in between hers and holds it comfortingly.

 

“Are you happy, Angela?” she asks.

 

Angie thinks about it for a second before laughing and shaking her head in the negative.

 

Brittany doesn’t say anything when she starts crying.

 

//

 

Her relationship with Brittany is weird.

 

Brittany helps her study for her Asian-American Writers class, occasionally brings her food, and talks to her about the most random shit in the world.

 

They never really speak about the fact that they slept together but, a week later, Brittany turns up at her dorm room on Monday morning with coffee and bagels (that she complains about excessively) and tells her all about how she just spent the entire weekend having sex with Cait Thompson.

 

It doesn’t really affect Angie at all. She actually kind of feels _proud_ about it, and she doesn’t question it when Brittany rifles through her dresser for some PJs and gets into bed with her. They don’t have class, and Brittany thinks it’s really funny to keep trying to kick her in the head, but they talk about how Cait was kind of kinky and decide that they both want to join the softball team.

 

They _do_ join the softball team, and Brittany somehow manages to talk Angie into coming to her fucking _dance class_ (that she secretly loves), and when Monica Jenner starts spreading rumors about Brittany’s sexual exploits, it’s Angie’s room that she hangs and hides out in.

 

After the worst Christmas break in existence, it’s Brittany whose room she finds herself in when she comes back. It’s Brittany who cuddles her without question. It’s Brittany who buys her rum and pizza and it’s Brittany who just mumbles “fuck everyone” when she says she doesn’t want to talk about it.

 

It’s Brittany she _somehow_ ends up in a random foursome with alongside two of their classmates. It’s Brittany who ends up holding back her hair as she drunkenly cries and regrets it.

 

Brittany is her best friend and she feels kind of weird about it until Brittany falls into her bed one morning after a Lit class and they finally talk about it.

 

“Do you think people think we’re together?” Angie asks as she kicks Brittany’s cold feet off of her.

 

Brittany makes a noise of disgust. Then she decides she doesn’t like the spot she’s in and forces her way into the space between Angie and the wall.

 

“I love you, Ange,” she mumbles. “And, the random sexcapades we’ve had aside, I don’t actually feel _that_ way about you. And you don’t either. Because you’re in love with someone else.”

 

It catches Angie completely off guard because, for all the many months they’ve known each other, she’s actively attempted to avoid talking about Jess with Brittany. She wanted Brittany to be someone who knew her completely separate from that person. She wanted her to know her as just Angie and not as Angie who’s had her heart broken.

 

“What are you talking about?” she mumbles and all Brittany does is lift her arm and point to the cluster of photos on the pin board, right above their heads where Angie sleeps. She taps the picture of Jess without looking and Angie turns to lean over her, irrationally scared that this is happening.

 

Brittany glances over her shoulder at her with those same kind eyes. “At first I thought she was your sister,” she explains softly. “But your sister has red hair like your mom and you’ve got three brothers other than that. I don’t know who she is but I know she’s important.”

 

Angie swallows thickly and doesn’t know what to say.

 

“And I know that you miss her,” Brittany shrugs. “Sometimes when you talk to me, it’s like you wish you were talking to someone else….” When Angie looks away, Brittany reaches behind her and grabs Angie’s hand. “But you should know that I’m here and, if you want to talk about it, I’ll listen. I’ll always listen.”

 

Instead of answering, Angie lies back down and buries her face in Brittany’s hair.

 

Brittany holds her hand and still doesn’t say anything when she starts crying.

 

//

 

It takes her a while, but the closer they get to the end of semester, the more she starts thinking about her. She becomes more aware of the months it’s been since they spoke to each other.

 

Brittany sits with her head in her lap and listens as Angie tells her about Jess. She tells her all the things she’s never told anyone before, about how she knew from so very young that she was different, that her feelings for Jess made _her_ different. She tells her about the relief when Jess kissed her that first time, and the way it felt like something was flying free in her chest when she finally told Angie she loved her.

 

Brittany listens as she tells her stories about the silly stuff Jess used to do, like beating up random guys from the neighborhood and braiding flowers into her hair in the summer. She listens at night as Angie admits in the darkness that she thinks she’s lost her completely.

 

In turn, Brittany tells her all about her waste of space father that she’s never met who puts a ridiculous amount of money into a trust fund for her every birthday instead of loving her. She tells her how her mother is stubborn and can be too much sometimes. She admits that sometimes she worries that her mother is her own worst enemy and there’s nothing she can do to change it. She tells Angie that, sometimes, all she really dreams of is a proper family, just like hers.

 

It’s freeing and she feels as though she’s gained something instead of losing it.

 

//

 

Brittany hands her an address and a phone number when they’re packing up their stuff to head back home for the summer.

 

“In case you change your mind,” she says and Angie thinks about the allure of visiting Peru and South America for the summer, except there’s something she needs to do.

 

She hugs her new best friend tightly and promises to call and email as often as she can.

 

The train ride home is long and silent and she thinks about what she needs to do and what might happen, the millions of reactions and responses she could get. She clutches the pin board picture of Jess in her hand until she has to tuck it back inside of her wallet. Her dad is waiting for her at 30th Street Station and he hugs her tightly, says nothing, and leads her to the car.

 

Her mother clutches at her tightly, running from the house to the car to get to her. She presses kisses all over her face and holds her at arms length, admiring her quietly before her expression changes into one of wonder.

 

“You grew up,” she says and Angie finds herself smiling.

 

She plies her with spaghetti and meatballs and treats her with cannolis she picked up from the local bakery. She asks her questions about college and her classes, her eyes brightening when Angie tells her about her friend Brittany and all the things they do. Her dad looks proud that she joined the softball team and ruffles her hair before leaving for the bar.

 

Her mom just keeps looking at her until Angie sighs and pushes her chair back.

 

“Where ya going?” her ma asks and Angie clutches at the doorframe nervously.

 

She shrugs her shoulders and her mother must guess because she sighs and wipes her hands on the towel in front of her. Angie feels the disappointment and she worries her lip between her teeth.

 

“I just have to go and—”

 

“Sweetheart, she’s not there,” her mom quickly cuts through her. Angie’s brow furrows and she feels her body pause in anticipation. She turns around and waits for her mother to continue. “She asked me not to tell you,” is what she finally says next. “She’s—she got into Berkeley. She got into Berkeley and she left about a week ago to take part in a Summer School program.”

 

Angie feels all the air leave her lungs and her hip drops as nothing really seems to compute in her head. Her mouth works around words and her mother just stares at her, watches her hopelessly as the realization sets in.

 

“B-Berkeley?” Angie repeats. “As in—”

 

Her mother nods. “California.”

 

Angie swallows and collapses into the chair opposite her mother again as her legs start to give way from underneath her. “But—but she wanted to go to Upenn.”

 

Her mother looks at her sadly and reaches for her hand. She squeezes it tightly.

 

“She wanted to learn how to look after herself too,” she tells her.

 

Angie’s whole life feels like it’s falling apart.

 

She wants to cry but the tears never come.

 

//

 

Her mother doesn’t argue when she grabs her unpacked bag and asks to be taken back to the station.

 

Angie thinks that she thinks she’s going to California but she’s not.

 

She realizes, too fast and too late, that she should probably just afford Jess the same liberties that she gave her.

 

Her mother stands with her as she takes quarters from her pocket and pushes them into the payphone, dials the number on the piece of paper she holds in her hand.

 

“Britt?” she says when the phone clicks. “Can I still come to Peru?”

 

Brittany sighs knowingly and _that’s_ when she cries.

 


	2. Not Quite

The weird thing is that she’s had a passport for ages but this is the first time she’s used it.

 

Her parents used to say that they’d all go to Italy almost every year growing up but it never happened. Her dad would never get enough extra hours at work, or her Nonna would get sick or they couldn’t get time off school. They never even got to drive to Canada or something and, now that Angie is sitting at JFK airport waiting for a flight, she doesn’t feel an ounce of excitement.

 

Brittany’s here with her mom and “The Berrys”, the two gay men and their daughter, Rachel, who became her mismatched family long ago. This trip is supposed to be an exciting treat for Rachel’s graduation from high school but Angie doesn’t feel happy at all. She feels a quiet emptiness overcome her, sadness that she isn’t really sure she’s allowed to feel. Brittany looks at her with concern but she doesn’t ask her what’s wrong. She probably knows that Angie would never want to bring attention to it.

 

Peru is beautiful and warm. It’s completely unlike anything Angie ever expected it to be, but it’s large and vast and calming. It’s unlike anything she imagined it would be and she gets a strange feeling of peace as beat-up old Land Rovers drive them from the airport to the llama farm that Brittany and her mom volunteer at. She gets to see the Amazon River and everything is so green. There are animals she’d otherwise only ever see in zoos and birds with wings of beautiful colors.

 

She hasn’t cried since she was on the phone to Brittany a week ago but in that week, she’s prepared for this trip. Brittany’s watched her like a hawk the entire time but she hasn’t said anything.

 

Angie gets the impression that she doesn’t know what to say.

 

The whole trip is a lot more relaxed than she thought it would be. She imagined tour guides and strict daily planning but it’s mostly just exploring and helping on the farm in the day and drinking weird Peruvian alcohol at night. She’s quiet and Brittany’s family treat her as such. They don’t press her or ask her questions she doesn’t want to answer. They’re polite and it’s like they appreciate that she’s struggling with something. They all keep an eye on Angie as she lies in the middle of green hills and stares up at brand new sky. It feels nice.

 

She shares a hut with Brittany and Rachel and things get weird when she walks in on them doing stuff. It makes her laugh for what feels like the first time in weeks but she gets the feeling it was probably for the best. She laughs all the way out to the small cluster of tables and chairs where they spend most of their days relaxing, sheltered by a tin roof and lit by a fire pit and candles. She laughs and laughs until Brittany drunkenly follows and takes another long drink from the bottle of liquor still on the table.

 

“Did you just fuck your sister?” Angie asks and she doesn’t understand why she finds that so funny. It’s probably because Rachel isn’t actually her sister. They’re not even related at all. Brittany drunkenly looks at her and starts laughing ridiculously like a hyena. “What the fuck were you thinking?”

 

They laugh until they fall asleep. Brittany doesn’t remember doing any of it in the morning.

 

//

 

The closer the end of the trip nears, the more anxious she seems to get.

 

The emptiness she feels has her longing for purpose and she doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do once she gets back to the US. There’s a part of her that wants to ask Brittany if she can stay with her. There’s a miniscule atom of her that wants to go back to Philly.

 

Brittany must notice because she finds her three nights before they leave, sitting at the edge of a hill overlooking green, llama-covered pastures.

 

“Mom and I are thinking of extending the trip,” she tells her. “Just me and her, right now. The Berrys have work but… We were going to head to El Salvador for a couple of weeks and then maybe go visit some friends in Guatemala.”

 

Angie smiles and tries not to appear jealous and disinterested.

 

Brittany must be able to tell anyway because she smirks, nudges their shoulders together and waggles her eyebrows at her. “Wanna come?”

 

The offer fills her with relief, but she stops when she remembers the reality and logistics. “I don’t really have any money.”

 

Brittany rolls her eyes and sighs.

 

She presses a ticket into her palm at the airport two days later.

 

It’s the second time Angie cries.

 

//

 

They visit El Salvador and Brittany and her mom, Annie, take her to a hospital they sometimes volunteer at as medical translators. They talk in quick, overlapping Spanish to their friends and Angie wishes she’d paid more attention in class.

 

They stay with some of Annie’s friends and they valiantly try to develop her Spanish skills. They feed her local food and she falls in love with the rich coffee they give her to drink. Most days, they take her to visit old ruins and see volcanoes that scare and excite her at the same time.

 

She absorbs culture she never would have thought to experience before. She laughs more and more each day and debates literature and current events with Brittany’s incredibly outspoken and intelligent mother. They take pictures in places that Angie never knew existed, eat food that she never would have tasted before.

 

In the three weeks they’re there, she learns more Spanish than she did in her entire school career.

 

In Guatemala, they spend the week eating food and chatting with Annie and Brittany’s friends in a large, colorful city, full of interesting and welcoming people. Annie spends most of her time debating with her friends and Brittany drags Angie through markets full of things she’s never seen before. They buy food and souvenirs. They drink coffee that makes Angie’s eyes flutter in satisfaction.

 

She doesn’t want to leave.

 

“Three weeks till school,” Brittany comments on their last night.

 

Angie feels a pang of sadness and nods slowly. “Three boring weeks.”

 

Brittany eats the street food in her hands and looks at her carefully.

 

“If you don’t want to go home, you’re more than welcome to stay with us,” she says through a mouthful of tamale. “I bet you’ve never been to Coney Island.” When Angie shrugs, Brittany grins. “We can ride the Cyclone.”

 

Angie looks at her carefully.

 

“I don’t want to be an inconvenience—” she tries but Brittany laughs and shakes her head.

 

That’s all they say about it.

 

//

 

In the three weeks she spends in New York, she decides that this is where she wants to live forever. The city is fast and honest. It’s full of a million different cultures that Angie wants to spend the rest of her life exploring.

 

She loves the subway and Central Park. She loves standing in the middle of Times Square and watching the lights. She loves that she’ll probably never run into the same person twice.

 

On the weekend before they head back to school, she takes the train up to Morningside Heights and wanders around the Columbia campus. She talks to someone about the law program and hides a brochure in her backpack when she heads back to the Berrys.

 

When they take the train back to school a week later, it makes her feel a little lighter.

 

//

 

She gets a job at a local campus coffee shop because she misses Latin American coffee and the rich smell of it filling her nose.

 

Along with her schoolwork, softball, dance class and spending time with Brittany, it fills her schedule to the point where she doesn’t really have to think about anything else. Her Junior year seems to fly by quicker than the previous two and she only visits her family briefly at Thanksgiving and Christmas where she doesn’t ask anything about Jess.

 

She finds that she wants to spend more time with her parents and siblings and they look at her like she’s this thing of wonder. She regales them with tales of her life and it doesn’t seem like anything important to her but to them it’s the most exciting thing in the world. Her mother puts the Peruvian vase she bought her on the window ledge by the kitchen sink, just so she can see it and think of her.

 

Her mom grins proudly when she tells her that Brittany’s invited her to Puerto Rico for Spring Break and to Haiti for the Summer. She tells her how Mr. Berry offered to give her a job in one of his businesses anytime she’s not at school.

 

When Angie admits to her that she wants to apply to Columbia Law School, her mother cries and kisses her hair.

 

//

 

Puerto Rico is a disaster. They go to try and act like “normal” college kids but within thirty-six hours, Brittany has them staying in tents and volunteering at a local community garden in San Juan for the next two weeks.

 

It’s when her best friend is having very loud sex with a guy in the tent next to her the night before they leave, that Angie realizes that her life will pretty much be making sure Brittany Susan Pierce doesn’t get herself arrested or in trouble.

 

There’s a part of her that thinks maybe she should run before she gets dragged into it.

 

She doesn’t. It’s more fun that way.

 

//

 

It’s when she’s in Haiti that summer that she realizes she can’t imagine doing anything in her life that isn’t helping people who need it.

 

It’s when Brittany is cradling this tiny little girl who they know has HIV and will probably end up dying sooner than they would ever want, that Angie knows that her best friend is possibly the best person in the entire world. Angie doesn’t understand how she so effortlessly makes everyone love her and feel at ease. She knows, deep down inside of herself, that if Brittany ever asked her to do something, she’d follow her anywhere.

 

She’s led her towards so many opportunities that she would never have been brave enough to grab otherwise.

 

Angie promised one of her professors she’d do a research project during her trip and she spends most of her time sitting on dusty walls near dusty buildings, speaking in practiced French, to local people who look at her curiously. She wants to ask them what it’s like growing up in a place where earthquakes constantly rattle the ground they walk on and threaten their lives. She wants to know what it’s like to grow up surrounded by disease and political upheaval.

 

She wants to apologize to these people for how lucky she actually is.

 

//

 

“I think I want to join the Peace Corps,” Brittany says when they’re on a beach watching the sunset over beautiful blue ocean.

 

The bandanas wrapped around their heads are covered in sweat but they keep the hair from their eyes. Their clothes are covered in dust. Brittany’s cheeks are pink with sunburn and Angie looks at her softly.

 

“Do you want me to go with you?” she asks because she would, if Brittany asked. She knows she’d be doing something good. She’s already two years ahead of schedule. She has some time to waste.

 

Brittany glances at her and smirks. “What about Columbia?” she asks.

 

Angie looks at her and narrows her eyes questioningly because the only person she’d told was her mother.

 

Brittany laughs. “I found the brochure in your bag ages ago.”

 

“Why were you in my bag?” Angie demands around a laugh.

 

Brittany kicks sand at her. “I needed a dollar. Stop changing the subject.”

 

Angie sighs and looks away. Brittany kicks her bare feet.

 

“I’m not leaving you, Ange,” she says at Angie’s forlorn look. “It’s two years. Two years where you’re probably going to be far too busy for me anyway.”

 

Angie laughs mirthlessly.

 

“I need to learn to actually look after myself,” she comments.

 

Brittany isn’t sure what she means. She nods in agreement anyway.

 

//

 

Her Senior Year is so busy that she doesn’t really get to think at all.

 

She moves into dorms for the fourth and last time, and apart from flying visits home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and a Spring Break in New York where all she does is school work, she doesn’t really remember much of what happens for most of the year.

 

It feels like, one day in fall, she’s playfully pulling on the robes she’ll wear on Commencement Day, and the next she’s actually wearing those robes for Commencement.

 

Somehow, at the end of it all, she graduates summa cum laude with a 4.0 GPA and a place at Columbia Law School. They invite her to join Phi Beta Kappa and her professors ask to her to submit a speech to the committee that she might deliver at graduation. It’s Britt that forces her to and in the end, they pick hers out of all the other speeches submitted. Brittany tells her they would have been stupid not to.

 

Her parents, grandparents and siblings all drive up to see her and stay in a hotel in Boston the night before. Brittany spends ninety percent of that night calming Angie the fuck down and the other ten percent banging her head against the wall.

 

All of that worry disappears when she’s wearing her robe and her cap and her cords are around her neck. She clutches her green class cap in her hand and Brittany wears her purple one too. Her mother waves at her from across the sea of people and she waves back nervously.

 

In the end, her classmates cheer for her kindly, laugh at her dorky jokes, and make her feel really good about it. In the end, they present her with a diploma that marks the finish of all of this. It’s scary at the same time it makes her feel accomplished. There’s a part of her that wasn’t sure if she’d be able to do it.

 

Her mother finds her after and holds her tight, looks at her diploma with an awe that Angie can’t explain. Her dad’s eyes are glassy and her siblings hug her tightly.

 

“Did you know that Angie’s the first one in our family with one of these?” her dad tells Brittany when she comes and finds them. Brittany shakes her head kindly and grins. “She’s gonna make us proud… So proud.”

 

Angie has to pinch herself and look away so she doesn’t start crying.

 

//

 

“So…” Brittany starts.

 

Angie turns to her and raises her brow. “So?”

 

Brittany smirks. “What’s the plan?”

 

Angie laughs and continues putting all her stuff into boxes. The Berrys are coming to pick them up in the morning and take them back to New York. She’s interning at Lambda Legal with the other Mr. Berry for the summer and it’s weirdly exciting.

 

“You know the plan,” she comments and she can’t stop smiling because she’s had this weird lightness in her chest since the end of commencement, since her mom took a million pictures and Brittany convinced her dad to come play softball with them out by the lake. “New York.”

 

Brittany nods slowly. “Are you sure about this apartment thing?”

 

Angie rolls her eyes and nods. “I need to learn to actually look after myself. I need to pay bills and like… be able to take care of my own physical and mental health.” She sighs irritably. “I need to learn how to be on my fucking own.”

 

“You don’t have to…” Brittany tries.

 

Angie fixes her with a look. “I want to.”

 

Brittany gives in and holds up her hands in assent. “Just checking.”

 

//

 

Her roommate’s name is Lenny and he’s not home much.

 

She kind of prefers it that way.

 

He lets her do what she wants to the apartment and the first thing she does is _clean it_. She buys fresh flowers to put in her window and she covers her walls in posters and artwork and photographs of her life and adventures.

 

She never expected, as that girl in Philadelphia who grew up scared, that she’d be having adventures.

 

She buys herself furniture and new bed sheets. She probably buys too many decorative pillows but she doesn’t care. Her dad visits one weekend and buys her a computer and when he leaves she feels this weird longing for him that she’s never felt before. Her sister starts calling her on Sunday afternoons.

 

Her internship makes her aware that being a lawyer is what she wants to do and it makes her more excited to start Columbia in the fall. Some days, the only people she sees are her colleagues and in the evenings she spends her time working her way through her reading list and eating food that she picks up from the Chelsea Market. On the weekends, sometimes she doesn’t even talk to another human until Monday morning. Lenny visits his girlfriend in Queens and she enjoys her own company.

 

By the time she starts Columbia, she feels like she has a better awareness of who she is and what _she_ actually likes.

 

“So the Peace Corps accepted me,” Brittany tells her over the phone one evening in late November when it’s cold outside and Angie’s cocooned herself in blankets because she can’t really afford to put the heating on. “I leave right after graduation.”

 

The words don’t scare Angie and she pours herself a fresh cup of coffee as she makes her way back to her bedroom and her pile of homework.

 

“That’s good news,” she tells her best friend. “That’s really good news.”

 

//

 

She goes home for three days at Christmas to see her family and spends the rest of her time with Brittany. They go out for a lot of coffee and spend a lot of time in bookstores. They go out for dinner a lot but they never go to bars because Angie still isn’t old enough. Brittany’s counting down the days until her twenty-first birthday but Angie already feels older than she actually is.

 

Before she leaves, Brittany leaves her with a box of gifts and a bottle of champagne that she instructs her to open on her birthday. She kisses her on both cheeks, gives her butt a friendly squeeze to annoy her, and then whisks away from Angie’s apartment like she owns it.

 

Her birthday falls on a Saturday but her parents call the Wednesday before and tell her that they’ll be visiting on the Sunday because her dad has to work.

 

She spends her first day being twenty-one by herself, laying in bed reading books she hasn’t read since she was a kid. She orders herself Chinese take out to be delivered and doesn’t open the bottle of champagne Brittany got her because she doesn’t want to waste it. Instead, she drinks her good coffee and watches trashy TV and doesn’t open her box of gifts from Brittany until she remembers they’re buried at the bottom of her closet.

 

Her gifts are silly things: a photo frame with a picture of them from Puerto Rico, a collection of very dumb t-shirts that she laughs at for too long until putting them tidily inside her dresser. Brittany buys her new socks and a nicely bound copy of the US Constitution. She buys her a box of her favorite chocolates and a new wallet to replace the beat up old one she’s been using since they met.

 

She starts putting her things in it as soon as she’s reverently run her fingers all over the soft leather. She puts her Columbia ID inside and slips her Wellesley one into her keep-safe drawer in her nightstand. She finds membership cards for stupid things and places that probably don’t even exist anymore. She tosses her expired library card from her old high school into the trash and puts her credit cards right where she can reach them.

 

She finds old stamps and receipts for things she can’t even remember buying. There’s so much crap that she almost doesn’t realize the photo that falls into her lap.

 

It makes her pause when she sees it.

 

Blonde hair and blue eyes stare back at her. They’re both smiling. Angie has her hands covering her face and Jess is looking at her in a way that makes her stomach sink. She’s smiling and her thumb strokes over the picture without thinking about it. She stares at it until the slam of her front door finally breaks her from her reverie and she stops.

 

She slips it inside the new wallet and tries not to think about it.

 

That night, all she dreams about is Jess.

 

//

 

Her parents take her for dinner and make her promise that she’ll think about coming home in the spring. She does to make them happy but, when it comes to it, she spends all her time in New York trying to get as much experience and knowledge as she can. Her mother sounds sad over the phone but the older she gets, the less she can handle going back to that tiny little neighborhood.

 

Her mom and her sister visit often. Julia has a boyfriend and they’re going steady and Angie knows that, just like everyone else in their neighborhood, it’ll be marriage and an army of babies before anyone knows it. She smiles along with their excitement because this is important for them; her mom is desperate to be a grandmother and her Nonna has been bugging Julia to get married since she graduated high school and got her job at the salon. She smiles because this is important to them, like Columbia is important to her. She smiles because she doesn’t get it but they probably don’t get her.

 

If she’s honest, she has more fun when her dad and brothers visit and take her to Mets vs. Phillies games. The first time, they try and make her hit on girls, even though she’s never told them she’s gay. She’s never officially come out but they still accept her silently and unconditionally. Her brothers tease her and goad her and her dad still tells them to cut it out and kisses her forehead just like normal.

 

It’s the first time in her life that she actually feels like she fits in with them.

 

//

 

Her first year of law school goes quickly in a whirlwind of building relationships with her teachers and working her fucking ass off.

 

When summer comes, she interns with Lambda Legal again except there’s some douchebag working there now instead of the sheepish girl that was there last year. His name is Jack Edwards and he thinks he’s everything because he has two gay moms and no friends. He treats her like she’s nothing, doesn’t ask her anything about herself, and doesn’t shut up about how much his life has been a struggle. He somehow manages to talk himself into the good end of the deal by waxing lyrical about how rough his life has been but Angie doesn’t want to do that. She wants to get by on sheer merit.

 

She basically gets to hand his ass to him when he starts at Columbia the next semester.

 

She soon learns, that his brain is not as good as his mouth.

 

//

 

“Are you seeing anyone?” Brittany asks her from a crackly satellite phone in Nepal. It’s the first time that Angie has heard from her in three months and _that’s_ the first question she asks her.

 

She sighs and buries herself deeper into her bed. The time difference makes it hard to talk to each other and in the middle of the night her time is the only time Brittany has time to talk beyond the emails they regularly send back and forth.

 

Angie can’t help but feel that this is a question she wishes Brittany had asked in an email because her best friend groans at the sound of her petulant sigh.

 

“It’s been like… years, Ange,” she reminds her.

 

Angie scoffs. “Don’t you have some villages you need to go save?”

 

“I’m here for agriculture and _farming_ ,” Brittany reminds her. “Answer the question.”

 

Angie sighs again. “I don’t know, Britt…”

 

“It’s been four years,” she reminds her bluntly and even across the crackly line, the words still shoot straight to her chest. She looks down shyly and breathes unsteadily. “It’s been four years and you don’t even know where she is. She hasn’t tried to find you or contacted you or…”

 

It makes Angie angry. “I love her,” she spits before she forces herself to calm down. “I love her. Loved her. I don’t know anymore. But I did and I still feel like I do and I want that to count for something. I want it to matter.”

 

Brittany is quiet for a long time.

 

“You’ve got to stop being scared that everyone will hurt you,” she says eventually.

 

Their conversation peters off after that. Brittany knows she’s said the wrong thing and Angie doesn’t know how to tell her that’s not what’s wrong at all.

 

//

 

She goes out that weekend and finds a random girl to hook up with, just because she can.

 

She’s incredibly drunk and she should probably be studying but she barely made it home for Thanksgiving and it was too much when her sister announced her engagement and everyone started screaming. It reminded her of all the things she’ll probably never have, so she got the first train back as soon as she could and that’s why she’s here, making out with a girl in the cold of an alley in Greenwich Village.

 

She lets the girl drag her back to her apartment in Queens (because taking someone to her safe space feels strange) and is glad for the alcohol in her system when the girl strips her naked and kisses all over her body. She thinks, if she were sober, she’d be sobbing at the lack of connection they share.

 

She doesn’t even know the girl’s name.

 

The girl kisses her too fast and it’s too impersonal. She takes and takes and takes and Angie isn’t sure she likes that. She takes parts of her that she wants to keep. She tries to bite her neck and Angie pushes her away harshly, doesn’t look at her when she informs her that she doesn’t _do_ that.

 

She ends up fingering the girl until she blacks out and sneaks out around 4am.

 

She goes home and cries and wishes she could call Brittany. She wishes she could call anyone but there’s no one there.

 

There’s no one there.

 

//

 

In the New Year, she starts a weird, friends-with-benefits relationship with a girl from her Family Law class. Her name is Nina and her family are Maltese. She has dark, curly hair and she’s beautiful. They don’t talk other than about school or mutual acquaintances.

 

She doesn’t ask questions when Angie won’t let her back to her apartment. She accepts the fact that Angie likes to leave straight after.

 

She probably thinks that Angie is still a closet-case and rolls her eyes when Angie keeps their distance in public.

 

It doesn’t feel right. Nothing feels right.

 

//

 

She ends it by the end of her second year of law school.

 

She blames their busy interning schedules and the need for her own space. Nina accepts it like she’s been waiting for it for weeks and gives her a hug before telling her she doesn’t have to be scared.

 

She wants to shout that she isn’t scared.

 

Her little brother, Donny, told her that her Nonna asked when Angie would finally bring a girlfriend home. Her mom comments on girls from her old high school who started seeing each other like it’s nothing. Her dad sends her text messages about sports scores and reminds her not to miss important baseball games.

 

Her family make her feel loved and completely accepted and she’s not scared at all.

 

She’s lost. She knows exactly where she is but she’s lost and she doesn’t understand why.

 

//

 

Her sister gets married in August and it’s the first time that she’s actually enjoyed being back home.

 

She wears a bridesmaids dress and her ma cries when her sister comes down the stairs. They have the reception at a local Italian restaurant and all her family are there. It’s loud and happy and she doesn’t feel shoved in a corner.

 

Distant relatives ask her about her hotshot life in the city. They ask her what type of law she wants to study. Her cousins want to know if she’s got a fancy New York apartment yet. Her weird Uncle Mike asks her if she has a boyfriend yet but her dad laughs and tells him she’s gay.

 

It’s nice and at the end of the night, her sister pulls her on the arm and gives her a huge hug. She tells her she’s proud of her and that she’s sorry for not always being there. Angie asks her if she’s drunk. Julia just admits that she’s pregnant and emotional because she only found out yesterday. Despite no previous interest in becoming an aunt, it makes Angie shriek in excitement and pounce on her.

 

“You’re gonna be godmom, right?” she asks as they chuckle uncontrollably.

 

Angie nods and clutches her tightly and tries not to cry.

 

//

 

Julia is showing the next time she sees her at Thanksgiving and then practically fat when she goes home for Christmas. Joe Jr. tells them that he’s engaged too and it’s strange how the older she gets, the more she loves and misses the excitement of her family. She ends up going back to New York with a wedding invitation and a sonogram picture. She pins them both to the fridge because Lenny is barely there anymore.

 

She plans to go to see Brittany in Nepal for Spring Break but then Julia’s water breaks early and she spends the whole time in Philadelphia, sitting vigil at her sister’s bedside, keeping her sane while everyone else goes crazy. In the end, it’s Angie who’s beside her when her niece’s cries are first heard. Julia and Pete call her Ruby Angela and Angie struggles to give her back once she’s in her arms.

 

“Thank you,” she says to Julia later, when everyone else has headed back to her parents’ house for sleep and food. Angie lies in the hospital bed beside her sister and strokes Ruby’s brand new red hair. “You didn’t have to call her that.”

 

Julia sighs and reaches up to messily grab Angie’s head and bring it down so she can kiss her. “I did,” she says. “She’s your goddaughter and I want her to be smart and strong, just like you. There was no one else, Angie.”

 

Angie nods and sighs before handing Ruby back to her mother.

 

“You know, it was hard growing up with you,” Julia says after a while. When Angie turns to her, she’s looking at her daughter quietly. “We were all worried about you for a long time and you were just… so _quiet_ all the time. You didn’t say anything and you know we would have kicked the asses of those creeps if you’d said the word, right? Joey, Mattie, Donny and I would have _killed_ them if you’d told us, but you didn’t say anything. You used to scare us, Angela. We couldn’t do anything.”

 

Angie feels tears in her eyes and nods. “I’m sorry.”

 

Julia kisses her head and they stare at the new baby in between them.

 

“Me too.”

 

//

 

She graduates from Columbia Law School and her entire family is there to see it. They take pictures and Angie wonders if this will be her version of a wedding.

 

She wonders if her family understands that, for her, this might be all that she gets. Sometimes, she catches her mom looking at her and she thinks her mom knows. There’s uneasiness in her gaze and Angie holds her hand tightly whenever she sees it.

 

“What next?” her pop asks her when they’re sitting in a fancy restaurant after.

 

He kisses Angie’s head and she smiles contently. “I’m going to take the New York Bar and then I think I’m going to go visit Brittany in Nepal for a couple of weeks. I’m going to help her come home.”

 

Her mother grins and her sister hands off Ruby to her as she tries to grab across the table towards her aunt.

 

“Your life’s only just beginning,” her mother comments.

 

Angie’s not sure about that.

 

//

 

She’s a fully-fledged lawyer by the time she arrives in Kathmandu.

 

It’s absolutely beautiful and it takes her breath away, but not as much as the sight of her best friend after almost two years. They hug for almost an hour straight when Brittany greets her at the airport and they talk over each other as they share stories and pictures from their time apart. Brittany wants to see pictures of Ruby and Angie wants to know what she’s accomplished.

 

She spends the next week showing her the sights, letting her take pictures of everything she sees, and loving the way that Angie is instantly silenced when she shows her the vast enormity of the Himalayan Mountains. They go on a 5 day trek through them and it’s when they’re standing halfway up one that Brittany grins at her and sighs.

 

“Do you want to come to China with me for a month?”

 

There’s a pile of job offers sitting on her desk of people that have offered her jobs but she can’t be bothered to go through them. It’s nice not to think about work or school for a while.

 

She’s bundled up in a huge parka with a furry hood and she grins at her best friend before hugging her tightly.

 

“Yes,” she giggles happily. “Yes, I would.”

 

//

 

Brittany, of course, isn’t in China to act like a tourist. She drags Angie along with her but she spends most of her time working for Tiananmen Mothers while Angie acts like a tourist. She visits the Forbidden City and the Temple of Heaven, eats real Chinese food, and walks part of the Great Wall of China.

 

Each day, Brittany finds her new things to do that she’s already done before and Angie just disappears off with her camera and backpack and discovers them all.

 

Each evening, Brittany meets her at their hotel and listens as she regales her with tales of her adventures while they eat food and watch weird TV.

 

“So what’s the plan for Brittany S. Pierce?” she asks one evening close to the end of their trip. Secretly, she’s hoping Brittany will find somewhere else for her to follow.

 

Brittany smiles. “I actually got asked to help out at a special school in India until December,” she tells Angie happily. She waits for the offer to come but it never does. Instead, Brittany smiles at her quietly. “What about you, Fresh Prince? What’s next for you? My mother tells me you’ve had lots of job offers.”

 

Angie nods and feels her stomach sink. “Yup. More than I thought.”

 

Brittany takes a sip of her drink. “I still think it’s weird that you email my mother more than you email me.”

 

Angie laughs. “She’s a smart woman,” she explains. “And for a poet, she’s got a very complex legal and political mind.”

 

Brittany turns to her in confusion and scoffs. “The woman wrote an entire collection of poems in the eighties comparing the Reagan administration to menstruation cramps.”

 

Angie throws her arms out in annoyance. “And she was pretty fucking accurate about it!”

 

Brittany rolls her eyes and chuckles. She regards Angie quietly, reproachfully, before Angie scoffs and shrugs her shoulders.

 

“I think I just want to work for Legal Aid,” she comments in a near whisper. “It’s the only thing I’ve been offered that appeals to me.”

 

Brittany smiles fondly and sighs. “You could pretty much take over the world but you want to work for Legal Aid.”

 

Angie throws a cushion at her. “Some people like to start off small.”

 

The words make Brittany grimace.

 

She throws the cushion back and shakes her head.

 

“Fuck that shit,” she says. “Go big or go home.”

 

//

 

They go their separate ways at the airport, clinging to each other for another hour before Britt’s flight gets called.

 

Angie goes home in silence, leaves her suitcase in the kitchen once she gets back to her apartment, and falls into bed but right after shooting off an email to The Brooklyn Legal Aid Society to ask them when she can start.

 

She sleeps for two days before waking up to an email asking her to start in two weeks.

 

She commutes there for all of eleven days before deciding that she wants to have her own place. When she tells Lenny it’s almost like he forgot she existed, so she gets herself an over-priced but well-sized apartment in Brooklyn Heights a few weeks later. She fills it with the things she already has but finds that it isn’t much. She buys herself a couch and a dining room table. She goes to Target and buys some more decorative pillows.

 

Despite having to work grueling hours—for not nearly as much money as she imagined—the bathroom is always tidy.

 

She takes up learning to cook when she comes home and starts drinking wine.

 

Her coffee maker is still the most used thing in her kitchen.

 

Her mother practically cries at the normality of it all when she, Julia and Ruby come to visit before Christmas.

 

She promises to teach Angie how to make all her favorite dinners when she comes home.

 

She goes home for an entire week and buys her mother a fancy coffee maker just so that she can drink it.

 

She almost burns down her mother’s kitchen trying to make meatballs.

 

//

 

“A Greenpeace boat?” Angie repeats and about four people in Whole Foods turn around to wonder why she’s shrieking. “Are you serious, Britt? You’re gonna end up being one of those topless women who end up on the news.”

 

Brittany scoffs. “It’s called _The Rainbow Warrior_.”

 

And, of course, that’s the most important and exciting part.

 

“If I end up having to brush up on my international and criminal law because you’ve been arrested, I _will_ kill you,” she comments.

 

Brittany belly laughs. “I’ll send you a postcard?” she tries.

 

Angie sighs.

 

//

 

She hears about an ad for an adjunct law professor at Brooklyn Law School and can’t stop thinking about it for days.

 

She later finds out that it’s for a course that only runs two nights a week and they need someone who’s got a background in Civil, Gender and Human Rights Law. It’s only for one semester so far but she thinks it sounds interesting.

 

They look at her resume and pretty much hire her on the spot.

 

And she enjoys it a lot more than she thought she would. She never thought she’d be one to get up in front of a class full of people and talk to them for two hours straight. She loves that it’s a strange mix of students and that they challenge her to think and question.

 

It’s something that she looks forward to every week and that’s the best part.

 

When all her students get ridiculously good grades, they ask her to come back next semester.

 

She says yes without even thinking.

 

//

 

“So I’ve had this idea,” Brittany says carefully.

 

She’s only been back in the country for two months after being out of it three years, and the minute that Angie hears those words come out of her mouth, she sighs knowingly.

 

“Where to now, Britt?” she asks.

 

Brittany worries her lip and shrugs. “I was thinking maybe I’d stay in New York now,” she says and it’s like music to Angie’s ears. She nervously plays with the label on her beer bottle and doesn’t look directly at her. “I think I’m going to set up a shelter here in Brooklyn.”

 

Angie’s entire body softens because, looking at her best friend, it makes sense. Brittany smiles, noticing her receptiveness and carries on.

 

“I was thinking I’d finally use some of that stupid money for good, ya know?” Angie nods as she talks and it’s all Brittany needs to let out a flood of excitement. “I’ve been working on it with Tina and Artie for a while and it feels right. I think it’s going to be a domestic violence shelter, but not just for women and stuff. I want women and their children to be welcome. I want young kids whose parents have kicked them out to be welcome. I want to give people a safe home.”

 

Angie nods. “A safe home for families.”

 

Brittany’s face brightens and she nods happily. “Yeah, exactly.”

 

Brittany shows her the new _Safe Home For Families_ logo later that week.

 

Straight after, she asks her to become their legal advisor.

 

//

 

She’s happy.

 

She comes home to an empty apartment almost ninety percent of the time, but she’s happy.

 

She thinks she’s happy.

 

She has a lot going for her. She has three jobs and a bunch of students and a great group of friends that Brittany has introduced her to. She doesn’t stay in every Saturday. They go to karaoke on Friday nights at Coney Island Karaoke, and Brittany was surprised that she still manages to go to a dance class once a week. They start going together again and occasionally they hit softballs at the park when they’re angry.

 

They open up _Safe Home_ to the public in October in time for the holiday season and she’s pretty much busy all the time. Her life is a whirlwind of completely balanced chaos and she’s sure that she doesn’t need anything else.

 

Brittany buys her a cat for Christmas anyway.

 

She calls her Stella and having her there makes it just that little bit easier to come home to an empty apartment.

 

//

 

She sleeps with a lot of different women.

 

Mostly when she’s drunk but sometimes not.

 

She never brings them home and only sometimes, if the sex is really good and the girl understands, does she sleep over.

 

Sometimes she goes to bars and sometimes she lingers in coffee shops until someone sparks up a conversation. Sometimes, when she really needs it, she goes to clubs and gets drunk enough that she can’t remember it all that much. She likes the pulsing bass of the music and the way that it makes her feel.

 

She’s really glad that Brittany’s back. It’s nice to be able to call someone the mornings after the rough nights where she can’t sleep and when everything feels like it’s heavy on her chest.

 

Her two younger brothers get engaged weeks apart from each other around the holidays and for the first time it really gets to her. She goes up to her old room for the first time in forever. She hasn’t slept in here for years, not since those last few Christmases at Wellesley. Now, she sleeps in one of the guest rooms her mother made up once Julia and the boys all moved out.

 

It’s a lot bigger than she remembers it.

 

Her mother finds her an hour later, still sitting on the bottom bunk, staring at the ceiling and the desk that used to be covered in her most important things. There isn’t even any bedding on the top bunk anymore. Her mother leans against the doorjamb and stares at her silently.

 

“How come you never changed this room?” she asks after a long time.

 

Her mother shrugs and steps inside, sitting down beside Angie and leaning back against the wall. Angie remains sitting steadfast at the edge of the bed. “You were always pretty attached to the bunk bed,” she says. “Plus, I wanted you to feel like you always had somewhere to come if you needed it. This used to be your safe place.”

 

Angie stares down at her lap and doesn’t know what to say. She kind of enjoys it when her ma starts playing with the ends of her hair, curling it around her fingers.

 

“You grew up so much,” she says sadly. “I didn’t even notice. Every time you come back you’ve grown up a bit more. You’ve got grown up shoes and clothes, and grown up hair. You don’t even wear your glasses anymore.”

 

Angie glances back at her mother. “Contacts.”

 

Her mother nods. “I know,” she whispers. “But still, sometimes I miss that little girl who used to live in this little nest with her wild, curly hair and her glasses that were too big for her face.”

 

Angie feels her cheeks ache with the need to cry and shrugs her shoulders. “That little girl was really scared, though.”

 

Her mother looks at her like she knows that she still feels that way. She runs her hand down the back of Angie’s smoother, wavier hair and leans forward to kiss her temple. Her arm wraps around Angie’s shoulder and she just holds her, holds her how a mother should hold a child, until Angie gives in and urges her back so that she can lay with her head in her lap.

 

“You’re twenty-five soon,” her mother whispers after a long while. “You’ve got so much time left.”

 

Angie nods and her mother strokes her cheeks.

 

She still feels like that fifteen year old with matted blood in her hair.

 

//

 

Brittany spends most of the next spring flying backwards and forwards between New York and Haiti, helping out with the earthquake relief work. They keep in touch via phone, their work at _Safe Home_ growing and growing with the more success it gets.

 

It’s probably the most rewarding thing that Angie’s done and she makes herself as available to the organization as possible. She enjoys it more than her work at Legal Aid because there are only so many times you can help someone with housing issues before it gets tedious. She wishes she could quit and do this full time but she needs money and Brittany doesn’t have enough capital yet to pay for any more staff. She enjoys it so much that she doesn’t care if she gets a call at 3am when she has to be up at seven.

 

She even works when she visits her parents; the on-call cellphone Brittany gave her so they can always contact her is forever in her pocket. Her mother looks at her proudly when she leaves the dinner table to ramble on in legal jargon and it’s funny because she would have gotten her ass kicked as a kid for doing that.

 

It’s kind of a surprise when Brittany arrives on her mother’s doorstep one morning when she was still supposed to be in Haiti.

 

“There was a sooner flight to Philly,” she says when they’ve all welcomed her inside. She doesn’t look like she’s changed from being in the midst of the rubble. She’s covered in dust and Angie’s mom looks at her in alarm before shaking it off completely. “I figured I’d come visit you guys since I knew Ange was here already. I figured I could get the train back up to the city with you tomorrow afternoon.”

 

Her mom feeds her within an inch of her life and plies her with coffee from Angie’s fancy coffee maker. It takes her about forty-five minutes to start talking about work and Angie rolls her eyes as she takes the notes from Brittany’s hands. It takes about two hours for Angie’s ma to throw down her towel and tell them to get out of her house because they’re boring her.

 

Brittany showers and changes first. She asks Angie to show her around the neighborhood and they walk around for hours continuing the conversation her mother cut off as Angie takes her to all her favorite places.

 

When the sun starts to set and it’s almost time to go back for dinner, Angie decides to take her to the park opposite the batting cages.

 

She stops when she sees a familiar figure there already.

 

Brittany must notice the awestruck look on her face because she whispers her name in concern immediately. Angie’s hand presses against the metal of the slide to support herself as she tries to figure out if the sight is real or a mirage.

 

“Angie,” Brittany continues and, at that, a blonde head pops up curiously to find where the voice came from. “What’s wrong?”

 

Angie can’t do anything but stare at the woman who slowly and gracefully walks towards her in beat up blue Chucks.

 

Angie hates that she can’t remember if her hair is blonder or not. She hates that she can’t figure out if the color of her eyes has changed. They seem bluer. She’s wearing a Sixers jersey and jeans with a jacket and, if it weren’t for the aging of her face, Angie would think nothing had changed.

 

“Angie,” Jess says, as she finally gets close enough.                           

 

Angie just gulps and takes in all the things she’s wondered about for too many years. For the first time in months, she wishes she were wearing her glasses because maybe they’d be able to see her better.

 

When she doesn’t say anything, Jess carries on.

 

“You look…” Blue eyes glance down her body and when she looks up, Angie thinks she sees shock and sadness. “You look different.”

 

There’s a bitter part of Angie that wants to say that she knows. She wants to tell Jess all about three years of college softball and god knows how many years of recreational dance classes. She wants to tell her how she found all the things that made her feel right in her own skin. She wants to tell Jess all about how she finally figured out how to find herself beautiful.

 

“Hi, I’m Brittany,” a voice from beside her suddenly says and Jess quickly takes the proffered hand and shakes it politely. Her nails are painted red.

 

She smiles. “Jess.”

 

Brittany turns to Angie the minute that her hand is free and looks at her with concern. Her eyes flicker over Angie’s face like she’s trying to figure out a plan but Angie is stuck. She’s completely and utterly stuck. She’s floored by a wave of feelings she’d long thought she’d forgotten.

 

Jess watches her uncomfortably and Angie sees her chucks awkwardly and anxiously grounding into the dirt. “My dad said that the last time he spoke with your mom you were going to be a lawyer.”

 

Angie licks her lips and swallows. “Yeah,” she finally utters and refuses to believe that it’s relief that she sees wash Jess’ features. “I-I um… I work at Legal Aid. And-and I teach law classes too.”

 

She misses the slightest twitch in Jessica’s jaw, the one that no one else knew meant she might cry. “That’s awesome,” she whispers.

 

Angie swallows thickly. The words rise up her throat and she has to know. “What are… What do you do?”

 

Jess smiles and stares at her for a few minutes before shrugging nonchalantly. “I’m in med school at Northwestern.”

 

A thousand things rise up her throat; a million unsaid words threaten to escape from her as Jessica Waters smiles proudly at her. Her hands twitch at her side and she knows that she could quite easily step forward and wrap this still familiar person into a hug so tight that it could kill her. She knows that all it would take is a second to collapse into her arms and never let go.

 

But then a person appears at Jess’ side. She has blonde hair and brown eyes and an incredibly pretty face. She wears a Northwestern sweatshirt and a kind smile. She looks at Angie and Brittany curiously before resting her hand on Jess’ shoulder.

 

“There you are,” she says familiarly. Jess barely glances at her before her face hardens and she stares back at Angie. “I wondered where you’d gone. Who’s this?”

 

Jess glances at her again before setting beautiful blue eyes right on Angie. “This is Angela Giardino and… and Brittany. Angie and I… we-we grew up together.”

 

Her voice sounds tight but this person beside her doesn’t seem to notice. Angie’s feet continue to itch to step closer to her but they don’t. She stays where she is and stares back just as carefully until the woman lifts her hand and offers it to them.

 

“Nice to meet you,” she says brightly. “I’m Amy. Jess’ fiancée.”

 

Her world shrinks into a bubble and she watches as Jess’ face falls and panics at the same time. She glances beside her before looking back at Angie. Angie feels numb all over. Brittany’s hand reaches for the back of her coat and tugs to remind her she’s there.

 

“You’re getting married,” Angie says because suddenly that’s all her brain can barely understand.

Jess nods and her jaw does that thing again that Angie doesn’t notice because she’s too busy trying to remain upright. “This summer.”

 

Angie’s never been happier to know Brittany S. Pierce than when she pulls her cell phone from her pocket and slips a hand around Angie’s elbow.

 

“That’s your mom,” she lies easily. “She says dinner’s ready.”

 

Amy slips her arm around Jess’ waist and smiles at them. “We should probably go, too,” she says to Jess. “We have reservations. It was nice to meet you.”

 

Angie nods as Brittany smiles. Jess doesn’t say anything. She’s still too busy staring at Angie.

 

A laugh erupts from her throat and there’s a possibility it might just sound like a sob. No one really notices.

 

“Goodbye, Jess,” she says and she turns around before she can see the look of sadness and mortification cross Jess’ features.

 

She doesn’t stop walking until they’re right around the corner from her house. Brittany struggles to catch up with her.

 

“Angela,” she calls out but Angie pants for breath, chokes on the words caught in her chest. “Angela,” Brittany repeats as Angie stops on the corner before pacing there anxiously. She hasn’t felt this lost and scared since her blood was pouring out onto a high school bathroom floor. Brittany reaches for her and she swats her away because her skin hurts just as much as it did that day. Brittany makes soft noises and won’t stop, can’t stop, doesn’t stop until Angie lets her wrap her hands around her biceps. “Ange. Stop.”

 

She does, falling limp into Brittany’s arms as she looks up at her in horror.

 

“I was still waiting,” she whispers brokenly.

 

Brittany reaches for her hand desperately. “I know.”

 

Angie shakes her head. “I thought—I thought she’d come back.”

 

There are tears in Brittany’s eyes too. “I know, honey.”

 

She starts fighting Brittany’s arms off her again when the truth begins to more solidly fall around her, as she realizes there’s nothing else left.

 

She grips at the collar of her t-shirt and tugs it from her skin. She stares off into the distance over Brittany’s shoulder as she tries to keep her upright.

 

“She was supposed to be mine,” she chokes and Brittany cups her jaw to try and center her. There are tears running down Brittany’s cheeks when Angie finally looks at her. Her expression cracks and threatens to break a million times before Brittany wipes away the first tear that rolls down her cheek.

 

She points hopelessly to the direction she just came from as she clings to the back of Brittany’s jacket.

 

“But I’m still _hers_ ,” she realizes suddenly.

 

And that’s when her heart breaks.

 

//

 

She manages to pull it together all through dinner.

 

Her mother looks nervously between her and Brittany but neither of them says anything. She offers Angie coffee that she turns down and tries to tempt her with dessert.

 

It doesn’t work and she goes to bed. She tells them she feels tired.

 

It’s not a lie.

 

She lays there in her mother’s guest room and, for the first time, it doesn’t feel right. She stares at the ceiling and it’s not _right_. Her feet move through the house without her having to tell them to. She finds herself in her old bedroom instinctively and climbs the rickety old ladder to the top bunk.

 

If she closes her eyes, she can still remember what it felt like to fall asleep there every night. She was smaller back then. There was just enough room for someone to slip in behind her and hold her tight. If she closes her eyes, she can remember that too.

 

She thinks she can still smell her.

 

Brittany appears in her vision hours later and it’s then that she notices the sun about to rise out her window. Brittany looks tired, her own glasses pushed sloppily on her nose as she peers in at her.

 

She moves in closer and rests her chin against the edge of the bed to see Angie more clearly. Her face falls when she sees her and a hand sneaks through the gap between the wood to touch her wrist in concern.

 

“I’m going to be alone forever,” Angie whispers before she can ask.

 

This is her new fear.

 

//

 

She wraps herself in a coat that she probably doesn’t need for such a warm day and lets her father drive her and Brittany to the station. He kisses her forehead gently and she doesn’t say anything, can’t say anything, as she steps towards the platform.

 

They ride the train in silence and Angie pulls her feet up onto the chair and curls her body around herself. The world rushes past the window as they head back to the city and it feels like she’s floating away. It feels like she’s holding herself together.

 

Brittany walks her back to her apartment once they get off the subway in New York. She carries her bags and watches her carefully as she takes a slow walk back to her apartment. She feeds Stella when Angie ignores her and starts wordlessly unpacking Angie’s things when all Angie can do is kick off her shoes and fall straight in bed. She puts the coffeemaker on. She sorts out her laundry. She cleans Angie’s bathroom before finally climbing on top of the covers beside her.

 

“How do you still love her?” She whispers as they lay on their sides staring at each other across the queen bed. “How can you still feel so strongly about someone you haven’t seen since you were seventeen? How do you do that? How do you love someone with everything you’ve got?”

 

Angie snuggles more closely into her pillow and closes her eyes. The question makes her feel silly, stupid and childish.

 

“I don’t know,” she admits because today she wishes she knew how to stop.

 

Brittany swallows thickly. Angie hears it and opens one eye to find her best friend staring at her in silent awe. She reaches across the sheets for Angie and takes her hand.

 

“I wish I knew how to love someone like that,” she admits.

 

Angie leans over and kisses her without thinking. It’s slow and lazy and not how she ever remembers kissing Brittany before. Brittany pushes her away in confusion and frowns.

 

“What are you—” she tries but Angie’s already shaking her head. Tears are already pouring down her cheeks.

 

She clutches at Brittany’s cheeks and looks at her gently. Her eyes are almost blue enough. Her blonde hair is almost bright enough if she closes her eyes.

 

“I just want to be held by someone who loves me,” she whispers and Brittany’s face changes before she sighs. “I don’t care that you don’t love me that way, and that you never will, but you love me in some sort of way and I just want—I just want—” She shakes her head despondently as tears rush down her cheeks and the sobs start to build in her throat. “I just need to be held…”

 

Brittany sighs and wipes the tears from her cheeks. Angie feels _pathetic, pathetic, pathetic._

 

When she leans over and returns Angie’s kiss, Angie gasps in relief.

 

//

 

“I’m sorry,” Angie says after. She’s staring out her bedroom window at the alley between her building and the next. “You have Artie.”

 

Brittany lies beside her but they’re not touching other than Brittany’s hand, which Angie holds at her hip. “He’d understand,” she tells her. “We’re just having fun, anyway.”

 

Angie wants to feel relieved but she can’t really feel anything.

 

“Sometimes I wonder if my life would have been easier,” she thinks out loud. “…if I could have just fallen in love with you that first night in your dorm room. Sometimes I wonder if everything would have been easier if I’d ended up loving you like that instead.”

 

Brittany squeezes her hip and sighs again. She sighs like she’s waiting and trying to figure out how to say something.

 

“We love each other, Angie,” Brittany says eventually. “But _not_ like that…”

 

Angie nods because she knows. She nods because it was a stupid thing to say. It’s an even stupider thing to think because Brittany is her best friend—her _best friend_ —and she doesn’t want to love her that way. She loves her just how she is.

 

What she needs is to love herself.

 

She swallows down a fresh wave of tears and buries her head into the pillow to push them away. Brittany folds herself around her back and Angie instantly feels how her hold is wrong, that someone else should be there, but that person isn’t here. She’s not here and she probably never will be again.

 

“I think I need help,” she hiccups into her pillow.

 

Brittany sighs and it sounds like relief.

 

//

 

Brittany leaves her later that evening, leaving behind a small piece of paper with a name and a phone number.

 

It makes Angie pause for a moment and she looks up at Brittany in confusion, wondering why she would need such a number, when suddenly it occurs to her.

 

Brittany looks uncomfortable before tapping the paper in Angie’s hands and shrugging. “She really helps my mom.”

 

Angie nods and hugs her best friend goodbye.

 

//

 

She calls the number the next morning, after calling into work and telling them that she’s sick. It doesn’t feel like a lie.

 

The voice on the other end of the line is calm and helpful and she makes an appointment for the day after.

 

The office is painted in soft pastel colors and they have good magazines on the table in the corner. The lady at the desk smiles at her reassuringly every time Angie’s foot starts tapping anxiously.

 

Her therapist’s name is Abigail Mayer but she asks Angie to call her Abe because that’s what her father used to call her. She has greying blonde hair and a long, thin nose. She looks kind but scary. She welcomes Angie into her cold but welcoming office and asks her to sit down on the navy blue couch across from her leather armchair.

 

“What brings you here today, Angela?” she asks and Angie looks around at the pictures on the walls and the books on the shelves and doesn’t know what to say.

 

She swallows and shrugs. “I don’t really know.”

 

Abe’s expression stays calm and welcoming and she nods encouragingly regardless of the non-answer. “Well, it’s clear that a part of you decided that you needed help and it’s my job to find out what with. Most people usually come here thinking they have an issue with one thing and find out that their biggest problem is really something else.”

 

Angie nods and Abe smiles happily.

 

“Why don’t you tell me what happened before you decided you needed help?

 

Angie takes a deep breath and completely lets go.

 

//

 

Beyond anything else, it just feels good to talk to someone.

 

Over their sessions, she tells Abe about everything. They talk about her family and how they treated her growing up. They talk about Jess, her friends, her relationships. They talk about her hopes and dreams.

 

By the fourth session, she gathers the courage to tell Abe about the bullying she endured as a child. It’s harder than she thought and as soon as the words leave her mouth, she realizes that she’s never told anyone about it before. Jess was the only person who really knew how serious it was. Brittany knows her better than anyone and she’s oblivious to all of it. What hurts the most is that she never _really_ told her mother what actually happened. It feels strange and she calls her mom to talk about it late one night, when her familiar voice is sleep thick and deep. Her mother gasps when she admits she thought about hurting herself more than once, that it got to the point when she honestly thought it would all be better if she weren’t here anymore. Her mother is so obviously upset by it all that Angie feels guilty but it doesn’t feel like a lie when she tells her it’s okay now.

 

Abe asks her personal questions about Jess from the minute she mentions her. Their depth only increases as their sessions go on but she answers them honestly. They talk about when Angie first knew she was gay and if Jess made her realize. Angie tells her about being six years old and wanting to hold her best friend’s hand and not knowing how to let go when she actually did. She tells Abe about how Jess not being able to sleep when she left for college made her feel finally wanted. Abe knowingly asks her how long it took _her_ to sleep during that time and she can’t answer. She asks Angie if she ever told Jess any of the stuff she used to worry and think about. She wonders out loud if Angie just always let Jess assume everything.

 

She asks those questions often but Angie doesn’t really have a good enough response as she realizes the answers.

 

It’s by about session twelve that Abe asks if she thinks she struggles with relationships and codependency. Angie says yes but she doesn’t know how. She knows that she was dependent on Jess and her family to protect her when she was younger. She knows that she forms bonds more deeply with some people than others. They talk through every relationship she’s ever had and it worries Angie that some of the needs she had fulfilled from Jess got quickly transferred over to Brittany. She realizes that she’s never really known how to be completely by herself and make her own decisions. She’s always taken her lead from someone or somewhere else.

 

Session seventeen is all about what Jess likes about herself. It’s hard and it doesn’t take long before she’s bursting into tears and admitting that she doesn’t really know. She’s not entirely sure who she is. Abe re-words the question and asks her what _things_ in her life she likes instead. That’s easier and Angie says that she loves spending time with her family and with Brittany and their friends. She tells her about how much she loves working at _Safe Home_. She admits that she misses learning.

 

It’s in that session that she admits to someone for the first time that she applied to join the J.S.D program at Columbia Law on a whim one night. When Abe regards her quietly and asks her why she never said anything to anyone before, Angie is quiet for a long time before telling her that she doesn’t know. All she knows is that the larger part of her was sure she’d never get in and never have to worry about it. When Angie continues to admit that she received her acceptance two weeks ago, Abe smiles ruefully and reminds her that it’s history repeating itself. This is exactly what happened when she applied for Wellesley.

 

They spend the next few sessions talking about her ability to make decisions. She realizes that she knows exactly how to make decisions for herself in her professional life, but not in her personal one.

 

At the end of it, Abe asks her if she’s afraid of people hurting her and that’s why she follows them everywhere.

 

She asks Angie why the only person she’s ever really said no to was Jess when she went to Wellesley instead of UPenn. She asks her why the only person she’s ever really hurt is Jess.

 

She doesn’t answer immediately, but she walks around for days thinking about it before Abe brings it back up at their next session.

 

“Because I knew she wouldn’t hurt me,” she whispers brokenly as her world shifts around her. Her shoulders shrug. “She did anyway.”

 

Abe nods and presses her index finger to her top lip. “Maybe she never thought you’d hurt her too.”

 

It’s something Angie’s never thought about before. Her face changes and her brow furrows as she thinks carefully about her actions all those years ago.

 

Abe smiles.

 

//

 

“You’re going back to school?” her sister asks her when she visits Philly for the weekend, just because she missed them. Her mother always seems to hold some part of her when they see each other now and Angie wonders if telling her the truth about her childhood was a bad idea.

 

She doubts it can be when she’s never felt this closer to her family.

 

She nods from where she sits on the living room floor playing with Ruby Angela and lets herself enjoy the way that her mother plays with the ends of her hair.

 

“Brittany’s offered to help me pay for the tuition if I agree to stay on as a volunteer legal advisor for _Safe Home_ ,” she explains to them. “I have to be in residence at the school for at least a year, possibly two. I can get my LLM if I really want to in the first year. Brittany says she’ll help me pay and keep for my apartment even though I have to stay in residence. I was thinking maybe I’d pick up a class at the law school to make some extra cash if I can…”

 

She shrugs and her mother looks at her with that unbridled pride she always does. Julia smirks at her and Angie plays with Ruby’s bricks to keep from having to look up at them.

 

“So, Brittany has a spare few hundred thousand dollars to give you?” her sister says in confusion. “From where?”

 

It makes Angie sigh. “More than that, actually,” she tells them. “But that’s not really any of our business.”

 

It’s not her place to tell them how the older Brittany gets the more the burden of the unwanted fortune her father left her with has weighed her down. Angie knows she’s trying to find good things to do with it. She hopes that she can become one of those good things by doing this.

 

“I’m proud of you,” her mother says when they’ve been sitting in awkward silence for too long. Angie tilts her head back to look at her and smiles. She strokes back Angie’s hair. “I’ll always be proud of you.”

 

//

 

It’s like old times once Brittany tells her that she’s going to be studying part time at CCNY for her Masters. They both start wearing more jeans and sweatshirts and carrying around backpacks full of books. They both start drinking more coffee and hating their teachers.

 

Angie loves it because it feels like they’re both working towards something that’ll help them get where they want to be. Brittany hasn’t mentioned it but Angie’s sure she’s started thinking about what comes next.

 

She often heads back to her old apartment only to find Brittany in there, hiding out from Rachel and her dads as she tries to study. It doesn’t make her feel as good as it used to having someone in her apartment all the time, but she still sees Abe and talks about it.

 

All she wants is to be able to love herself. She wants to become something that makes her feel good about herself. She thinks that maybe she wants to teach Law more seriously, that maybe she could end up teaching at Columbia one day. It’s those kinds of things that make her feel like she’s doing okay.

 

Abe has taught her to reflect on her own feelings of herself instead of others.

 

As the months go on, she doesn’t really think of Jess anymore. She knows how to stay within her own limits. She stops hitting on girls at bars and clubs and only lets Brittany take her to karaoke every second Tuesday. They still go to dance class in Coney Island every Monday and Thursday.

 

//

 

“So I’ve been thinking…” she says one Monday, when they’re sweaty and tired from dance and Angie couldn’t be bothered to ride all the way back uptown to residence so they came back to her apartment instead.

 

Brittany’s chopping avocados at her kitchen table and she looks up at her with a smirk. “Angela Giardino, I doubt there’s ever been a moment of your existence where you _haven’t_ been thinking.”

 

It makes her smile and she mutters “wise ass” before throwing a teaspoon in the general direction of Brittany’s head. It makes her yelp and dodge out of the way and that’s when Angie takes her chance.

 

“I was thinking I might start online dating,” she says and she’s too busy pretending to read the ingredients of the recipe in front of her to see Brittany look up in shock. When she doesn’t say anything immediately, Angie glances over. “What?”

 

Brittany watches her carefully mid-chop and tilts her head to the side. “Are you sure?”

 

Angie nods and continues chopping the onions in front of her.

 

“I’m twenty-six years old,” she says to the cutting board. “I’ve never _actually_ been in a serious relationship… I’ve never even been on a date. And while I’m incredibly busy and have no time for it, I don’t think I want to wait to see if I can do… _this_.” She puts down the knife and presses her palms to the counter. “I don’t want to wait too long and talk myself out of this. I want it. I _want_ it.”

 

Brittany doesn’t look convinced and Angie sighs and presses the back of her hand to her forehead.

 

“I’m at a place in my life where I don’t wake up everyday thinking about her,” she explains carefully with her eyes closed tight. “I can go days without thinking about her because I talk about her in therapy and that’s enough. The more I talk about her the more I realize that I was _sixteen years old_ and I probably didn’t know anything. It probably wasn’t even real.” She looks up sadly and shrugs. “I cannot live my life waiting on a promise that was broken a very long time ago.”

 

Brittany nods and, if nothing else, she looks relieved.

 

//

 

It actually takes her a really long time to sign up for any kind of online dating service.

 

It’s not until Brittany comes by one Sunday afternoon, bringing wine and food, that she actually plucks up the courage. They get drunk—really, really drunk considering they have class and work and research to do tomorrow—and Brittany starts asking the hard-hitting questions.

 

“So did you go on a date with anyone yet?”

 

She’s trying to magic up something with the mismatched ingredients Brittany brought with her but it’s really hard when she’s clouded by wine-haze.

 

She’s so confused by it all that she utters the truth without thinking. “I didn’t even sign up for anything yet.”

 

Brittany gasps and there’s some rustling Angie ignores as she flicks through the trusty recipe book her mother made her when she moved in here. When it goes quiet is when she stops in concern, and looks into her living room to find Brittany sitting on her couch with her laptop and her credit card.

 

“What’re you doing?” she asks even though she’s pretty sure she knows what she’s doing.

 

Brittany gives her a look like she’s a dumbass. “Signing you up for match.com?”

 

Instead of screaming, she laughs until she’s rolling around on her kitchen floor.

 

//

 

She wakes up incredibly hung-over the next morning to forty emails from match.com. It makes her feel a little sick with nerves but as she works her way through them, she sees that there are dozens of requests from women asking for more contact.

 

She kicks Brittany in the back where she sleeps curled up on the floor and waits for her to jolt awake.

 

“What did you put in that damn profile?” she hisses, as she looks at all the pictures of some very pretty women.

 

Brittany pokes her head up and clambers up onto the sofa to take a look at the screen of her laptop. Her brow lifts when she sees what Angie’s looking at.

 

“I only put the truth,” she mumbles burying her head into Angie’s shoulder. “I wasn’t even funny or remotely sabotaging…” she ponders and then stops Angie and points to the screen. “She’s really pretty.”

 

Angie nods in agreement and can’t help but feel a little pep in her step for the rest of the day. She’s grown to be aware that she’s an attractive woman and that she’s now the kind of attractive that other people like. She’s always been able to find girls to want her physically but now, as she sees that they want her intellectually and emotionally too, it makes her feel good about herself.

 

“You’re a catch, Giardino,” Brittany tells her as she disappears out the door later that morning.

 

For once, it doesn’t feel like a line to make her feel better.

 

//

 

It still takes her a while to actually agree to go on any dates. There’s a mix of inconvenience in her schedule and absolute stomach-curdling fear that stops her, but eventually, one lonely and tired evening, she agrees to meet up with one of the women she’s been talking to for a while.

 

Her name is Helena and she’s nice. She’s pretty and takes Angie for Thai food in Lower Manhattan. They talk about their jobs—Helena works somewhere on Wall Street—and it soon becomes clear that neither of them really has time for this. They shake hands when they leave each other and Angie goes home not feeling like a failure for not falling into bed with her.

 

“How’d it go?” Brittany asks when she calls much later that evening.

 

She shrugs. “It was fine.”

 

Brittany doesn’t ask anything else but there isn’t any need to.

 

//

 

She intermittently sees a few more women over the next few months but ends up visiting her family more once Julia gives birth to her nephew.

 

He’s not her first but he’s her godson, just like his sister, and he’s ridiculously cute with his jet-black hair. He loves her, just like Ruby, and she wants to spend as much time with them as she can because she’s not one hundred percent sure that she’ll even have her own kids in the future. She doesn’t want to miss them like this.

 

She sits at her mother’s kitchen table and tells her and Julia about the dates she goes on. Her dad comes in every so often and asks if she’s making sure the girls she dates are as smart and pretty as she is. He doesn’t want his daughter seeing no bums. It makes Angie smile, and not even for how ridiculous it is. She kisses his cheek when he kisses her forehead now and she misses him all the time.

 

She follows him out to his workshop out in the backyard when her mom and Julia start arguing over how to look after babies, and leans against the doorjamb as he tinkers around on the beat-up old truck he’s had for years.

 

“You should just buy a new one,” she comments.

 

Her dad looks up at her, clicks his tongue and shakes his head. “She’s old faithful at this point.”

 

“Stubborn,” she quips and her father smiles at her fondly before reaching for his grease rag and wiping his hands. He reaches out for her and she takes his hand before he wraps her up in his arms and squeezes her tightly.

 

“Takes one to know one,” he mumbles into her hair.

 

She buries her face into the smell of his old flannel shirt and laughs against his chest.

 

“Love you, Pop,” she whispers because she can’t think of anything else to say.

 

He kisses her forehead and pushes her hair out of her face before looking down at her carefully. This happens more and more every time she comes home. Her parents take it in turns to look at her carefully and she wonders if this is what being a parent is: watching and waiting and wondering.

 

“You’ll find someone who’ll make you happy,” her pop tells her and it’s not a question. He kisses her forehead one more time before giving her a look that says he’s serious. She nods even as he keeps speaking. “You’ll find someone who’ll treat you right.”

 

“Of course, pop,” she whispers and he keeps hugging her until her mom calls them in for dinner forty-five minutes later.

 

//

 

She dates a nice girl named Ellie throughout the spring and summer.

 

They meet at coffee shops when Angie’s too busy in the library to take her out for dinner. They explore markets in Brooklyn on the weekends and Angie takes her out to Bensonhurst to see if they can find some real Italian cooking.

 

In the summer, they take the ferry to Staten Island. They go for picnics and see movies at outdoor theatres. They walk around Central Park talking for hours about nothing actually important. Ellie buys her a stuffed toy when they go to the zoo. Angie lets her kiss her quietly at the entrance to her residence building but never lets her come upstairs.

 

Angie loves spending time with her but it doesn’t feel right. They both say as much sometime mid-August when they finally run out of things to talk about. They decide to be friends but they don’t really talk again afterwards.

 

It doesn’t make her sad.

 

//

 

“When you say it didn’t feel right?” Abe asks her the week after they break it off. “What do you think you mean by that?”

 

Angie smiles and Abe gives her a look that Angie’s come to understand as her silently asking her to hurry the fuck up.

 

“You’re probably going to tear me a new one for saying it,” she starts but her shoulders slump. “But I wasn’t excited. She was fun and lovely and gorgeous but did I look at her and see a future? Did I look at her and _think_ I could see a future?” She shakes her head. “If I’m honest, there wasn’t even really an attraction. I didn’t look at her sometimes and just _want_ her, you know? It was just nice.”

 

When Abe doesn’t say anything, Angie thinks maybe she’s learning to think the right things.

 

//

 

She’s single for most of the rest of the year, too busy to be worried about match.com and women, and more concerned with actually doing the work required of her to get this degree.

 

She opts to do a second year of schoolwork in-residency at the university and it doesn’t feel right to be dating women when she has to live most of her time in a tiny little dorm room. Sure, it’s a fancy graduate dorm room but after living in her nice apartment she thinks it’s a dive.

 

She goes on coffee dates with women she meets through her studies and tries not to recklessly sleep with them. She meets women in the library and flirts with them but she still doesn’t feel that thing she’s looking for.

 

Somehow, it’s okay.

 

//

 

She misses Thanksgiving at home that year because she’s too busy and, for the first time in years, the thought of not being with her family makes her curl up in bed and cry.

 

She has Thanksgiving with Brittany and the Berrys. And, sure, feeding the homeless and needy is a great thing to do, but it doesn’t stop her from missing her mom’s home cooking and watching her nieces and nephews get excited about being with everyone.

 

She doesn’t even get to watch the Eagles play.

 

She makes a conscious effort to be at home longer for Christmas, and turns up on the 21st with arms full of presents before smothering the few grandchildren that fill her mother’s house with excited kisses. Her mom strokes the back of her head in greeting, too busy wrangling the little ones in for lunch to say anything. Her dad kisses her on the forehead and helps her with her bags.

 

Joe Jr. talks her into coming to the bar with him and her other siblings while their ma looks after the kids. She wears her Phillies jersey and drinks bad beer but she feels weirdly festive about it all, especially when her dad comes in and joins them. Guys unknowingly try to hit on her and she loves it when her brothers intercept and tell them to stay away from their sister.

 

“I miss you guys,” she says drunkenly, when it’s almost closing time and she feels soft and warm.

 

Her brothers kiss her and group hug her while Julia fondly calls her a mess.

 

They all walk back to their parents’ house and sing ridiculous songs they haven’t sung since their childhood. They fall asleep in Julia’s old room, the girls on the bed and the boys on the floor.

 

They wake up to Donny lying across their feet and both move to kick him off at the same time.

 

Their mother makes them bacon and eggs for breakfast and heals their headaches with coffee and forehead kisses.

 

//

 

She barely sees Brittany after Christmas. Time goes ridiculously quickly and Angie had forgotten how much she missed the hustle of work and school and life.

 

She starts dating again but not seriously. She spends a lot of time online chatting with girls and always breaks it off when they get weird and want her to start sending them dirty pictures and stuff. It’s annoying how frequently she’s asked to have a threesome with someone’s husband or boyfriend.

 

She doesn’t see Brittany until early March when she drops by the Berrys to give her the birthday present she’d bought ages ago. Brittany hugs her tightly and drags her up to her bedroom to talk. She speaks in her flirty voice and Angie knows what’s about to happen before it does. She quickly tells Angie all about the new guy she’s seeing and can’t stop talking about him. His name’s Jack and she thinks he might be the one.

 

It makes Angie happy until she meets him three weeks later.

 

Jack happens to be the same asshole Jack Edwards she used to intern with at Lambda Legal. He works there now with Mr. Berry, and that’s how they met. He recognizes her straight away and tries to pretend that they were friends.

 

“Am I missing something?” Brittany asks when he disappears somewhere with Mr. Berry to talk about work.

 

Angie shakes her head. “No, you’re fine,” she utters not quite believing herself. “Law School was a long time ago. I’m sure he’s a lot more grown up now.”

 

Brittany accepts the answer and doesn’t ask anything else about it.

 

//

 

He’s not really changed at all and the worst part is that Brittany really likes him.

 

Angie doesn’t really see her best friend for much of the next six months because he takes up all her time, and she gets emails from Brittany’s mom asking her what’s happening and they commiserate over the fact that Brittany seems to think he’s the one when they both know he isn’t.

 

And maybe she’s being a bitter, worried best friend because he treats Brittany right and he’s a gentleman and he makes her happy. They have a lot in common but he has that same air of arrogance and self-importance that Angie hoped would have improved as he got older.

 

She moves back into her apartment that summer and makes a better effort to spend time with him towards the end of the year. She wraps herself up in her coat and takes the train to wherever they want to meet up. She’s almost gotten so used to him that she practically likes him.

 

She likes him until he starts the same behaviors he used to.

 

//

 

They’re in the middle of a very heated debate while making dinner in her apartment when he rubs her the wrong way. It’s like the third time this week he’s dismissed her thoughts because she “doesn’t understand what it’s like to experience adversity because you’re gay” and goes on a tangent about how his mothers had to struggle and fight.

 

What makes it worse is that Brittany agrees and hangs onto his every word for the hundredth time and it makes her angry.

 

“Yeah, but—” she tries again and he cuts her off.

 

“It was different back then,” he says, his voice getting louder. “I mean, the eighties were awful and my moms had stuff shouted at them in the street. They had to move closer to the city because people used to stare and—”

 

And maybe it’s because she’s tired and worn out and annoyed. Maybe it’s because her life is nowhere near as perfect as this guy seems to think it is and she’s sick of being written off by him. She stands at her kitchen counter and puts down the knife in her hand because she honestly thinks it might be a risk right now.

 

“People used to _stare_?” she laughs angrily and Brittany’s mouth drops as she turns to look at her in shocked embarrassment. It only makes Angie more mad. “People used to _shout_ things at them? That’s _so_ fucking hard, Jack. For two fully-grown adults to be able to turn the other cheek like that.”

 

His mouth opens to argue back but Angie shakes her head and holds up her hand.

 

“Do you wanna hear what happened to me?” She bites out quickly. “Do you wanna know the things that I never tell anyone?”

 

Brittany’s head tilts in confusion at the change in her behavior. Angie’s hands shake and she grits her jaw.

 

“Your mothers might have had stuff shouted at them and been stared at but you can’t write off my experience because you think _your mothers’_ was worse.” Breath pants up through her chest and she presses her hand there to keep steady. “I was bullied from my first day of school for being different and the kids I went to school with knew _exactly_ what kind of person I was from the minute I sat down at my desk. They knew about me before _I_ even did.” She shakes her head. “I can’t even remember how young I was when the other kids started leaving me notes telling me to _kill myself_ but they kicked my ass and busted my lip when I was twelve and almost killed me when I was fifteen—”

 

She trails off when Brittany’s eyes soften and glass over and when Jack finally looks away.

 

“People used to shout at your moms but at least a group of kids didn’t corner them after detention and beat the shit out of them,” she spits because she has the speech rehearsed now and it never gets any better. “They slammed my head into a tiled wall and knocked me to the floor. They kicked me in the chest and stomach. They broke four of my ribs. The doctors were worried they’d have to remove my spleen because of the bleeding. They broke my glasses. They spat on me, and one of them even tried to urinate me until they got fucking shy about doing it in front of their friends. So they punched me repeatedly in the face instead.”

 

Brittany stares and Angie turns around before looking back. “My best friend and my mother found me there half-conscious four hours later when I didn’t come home. They never caught the kids who did it because I couldn’t see their faces… So don’t talk to me about a lack of justice in the world.”

 

Jack doesn’t say anything but Brittany tries to reach for her. She shakes her head, shrugs her off, and exits to her bedroom. When the front door opens and closes twenty minutes later, she thinks they’ve gone but then Brittany comes in and lays down beside her.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asks with tear-filled eyes.

 

Angie wipes her cheeks and sighs. “I hadn’t really told anyone until I started seeing Abe. When I met you, all I really wanted was a fresh start.”

 

“You told me you were home-schooled,” Brittany comments.

 

She nods. “I was in school until the attack. Then my mom took me out because they hadn’t noticed how bad the bullying was. They realized I had all the typical signs of being a kid struggling with bullying… I wasn’t doing my work, I talked back to my teachers, I was withdrawn. But they ignored it… They didn’t pay any attention. My mom took me out of school and figured out how smart I was on her own. It took me six months to graduate high school and take the SATs after that.”

 

Brittany reaches up and pushes back the curtain of hair covering Angie’s face. She reaches to trace a finger over the now-white scar that runs along her hairline.

 

“I’ll talk to him,” she comments. “I’m sorry.”

 

Angie shakes her head and takes the fingers from her face. She doesn’t like people touching the scar but she likes it that Brittany cares.

 

She holds her hand until Angie falls asleep.

 

//

 

“How did that feel?” Abe asks when she tells her about it.

 

Angie laughs and turns to lay sideways on the couch with her legs slung over the arm. “It wasn’t as easy as telling my mom. It made me angry all over again. But good, I think. I’m glad that Brittany knows now… I just hate that look that people give me once they do, you know?” She shakes her head and worries her bottom lip. “That pity hurts sometimes.”

 

Abe nods. “But you’re a survivor. Maybe that pity isn’t pity at all but admiration.”

 

Angie turns to her with her hand on her forehead and listens.

 

“You’ve gotten to that point where you can tell the people you love _and_ the people you don’t that _this_ happened to you and show them who you are now,” Abe explains. “You’ve shown Brittany that this stuff happened to you but you didn’t let it affect you.”

 

“I’m in therapy,” Angie deadpans.

 

Abe smirks. “And you put yourself here. You know exactly what you need.”

//

 

Things between Brittany and Jack become strained after that.

 

Brittany becomes aware of how much Jack likes to do things for Jack and isn’t really interested in doing much for anyone else. Everyone’s figured out that Brittany is thinking about running for some sort of public office, but Jack just keeps laughing it off as a joke. At Christmas, they don’t really talk to each other and, when Angie asks if it’s her fault, Brittany just laughs and hugs her tightly.

 

She interrupts one of Angie’s dates in tears around mid-February and it’s so unlike Brittany that Angie excuses herself quickly and heads back to her apartment to find Brittany there pacing the floor in angry tears.

 

“He fucking _proposed_ to me,” she spits before Angie can ask her anything else and Angie shrinks back in shock before Brittany continues. “He fucking asked me to move to Los Angeles with him and become his _fucking trophy wife_.”

 

Angie lets her eyes widen and her mouth drop. “Woah.”

 

Brittany groans in annoyance and heads for the liquor cabinet. Angie keeps a bottle of expensive whiskey there for evenings like this.

 

“I’m guessing we said no,” she tries carefully.

 

Brittany narrows her eyes. “We told him to fuck off.”

 

Angie lets a laugh erupt helplessly from inside of her and tamps down her grin when Brittany glares at her. It’s seconds before Brittany’s face collapses into sadness.

 

“He’s moving to LA and he wouldn’t even listen to—” She cuts off as she starts sobbing and slumps onto the sofa with the whisky bottle in her hand. “He didn’t even consider—”

 

Angie sits beside her and tugs her until she buries her head against Angie’s chest. She drinks and cries quietly until she shuffles around and lays her head in Angie’s lap and stares at the ceiling.

 

“And the worse thing is that I thought he was my Jess,” she mumbles.

 

Angie sighs and holds her hand. She smiles sadly and laughs. “It didn’t work out… so he probably was.”

 

Brittany looks at her like she doesn’t believe her.

 

//

 

Throughout July that year, she’s incredibly busy and makes the mistake of starting to date a woman named Jen.

 

She takes Angie to bars and out to fancy dinners. She’s a hedge fund manager and Angie really doesn’t want to know what that entails and she thinks that says enough. But she has fun and she lets Jen woo her for the entire month until at the end of it, she ends up in a large, fancy Manhattan apartment.

 

She’s half-naked with her back on the cool cotton sheets of Jen’s California King and, even as there’s a tongue bringing her quickly to the edge, she knows this whole thing is a bad idea.

 

She has one incredibly wild night of passion before doing the usual and leaving early the next morning with no note.

 

She meets her for coffee a week later and breaks it off. Jen is understanding but disappointed. When she leaves, Angie realizes that she’s learning how to say no.

 

//

 

“Surely I’m allowed to have one tiny relapse in judgment,” she says to Abe at their next session.

 

Abe looks at her with such fondness and it’s been months now. If it wasn’t weird, she’d probably think this woman was her new best friend.

 

“I don’t think it was a relapse,” Abe smirks. “I think you’re fine, Angela.”

 

At her words, Angie fills with nervous anxiety and Abe looks at her reassuringly before sitting up in her chair.

 

“Angie, you’re okay.”

 

 

//

 

She lies in bed that night, staring up at the ceiling and thinks about it.

 

“I’m okay,” she mutters out loud.

 

It doesn’t feel like a lie.

 

//

 

Everything starts changing six weeks later.

 

She gets a phone call at four in the morning from Brittany asking Angie to meet her at a police precinct in Harlem. It scares her and she gets a cab the whole way there, pays through the ass for it, and doesn’t care when she finds Brittany in her sweatpants pacing outside.

 

It fills her with relief and she practically collapses when Brittany turns to her with tears in her eyes.

 

“What the fuck is going on?” Angie asks quickly and Brittany holds out her arms hopelessly, unable to do much else. “Did something happen?”

 

Brittany shrugs. “I thought it was best to call you because you’re my lawyer, right?” Angie nods and furrows her brow. “Leroy Berry called me about two hours ago and said that one of his clients had tried and succeeded to leave a six month old baby with him.”

 

Angie gasps. “What?”

 

“She’s a recent adoptee,” Brittany continues taking Angie’s hand when she offers it. “She’s from China and basically they couldn’t handle her because all she did was scream. Leroy asked me to help because I’m the only person he knows who speaks Mandarin. Angie, I think they’re going to ask me to foster her.”

 

Angie shakes her head. “They can’t. You’re not registered.” Brittany gives her a shy look and it makes her roll her eyes. “Oh. Okay. Of course you are.”

 

“I did it when I started _Safe Home_ ,” she defends quickly. “They said it would be helpful for when we got the kids who’ve been kicked out.”

 

Angie shakes her response off and reaches for the phone in her pocket. “And what’s happening now?”

 

Brittany shrugs.

 

They end up taking the little girl home to the Berrys’ place four hours later.

 

//

 

Her name is Mai-Xing and she’s the cutest thing Angie’s ever seen. Brittany doesn’t really have any clue how to look after a baby but Angie’s got two nieces and four nephews with one more on the way.

 

Brittany talks to her in softly spoken Mandarin and it almost makes Angie cry how the little girl goes from restless to calm in a few words. They manage to feed her some breakfast and then put her in Brittany’s bed where she sleeps for most of the rest of the morning.

 

“They could find a children’s home or a…” Angie tries but Brittany shakes her head.

 

“I’m not putting her back in an orphanage,” she says. “God knows what that’ll do to her.”

 

“They could keep you fostering her for a long time, Britt,” Angie tells her pointedly.

 

Brittany shakes her head and moves to lay beside her tiny, sleeping form.

 

“I don’t care.”

 

//

 

She asks her two weeks later.

 

“We could adopt her together,” she says sheepishly and Angie reaches for her hand and sighs.

 

Brittany looks up at her hopefully. “No, Britt,” she whispers. “We’ve discussed this.”

 

Brittany rolls her eyes and nods. She holds the baby, who she’s fondly started to call Minnie, closer to her body. “It was worth a try.”

 

//

 

That evening, she meets Maddie.

 

They’ve been talking for a while but then she meets her and she gets this wave of curiosity that washes throughout her body. She’s got short dark hair and a soft face. She smiles like she’s trying to stop herself and Angie finds that she’s different to all the other girls she’s met before.

 

They stay at the restaurant until it empties out and then Angie takes her to a bar nearby. They talk until 1am and when Maddie walks her home, she doesn’t know what to do. She’s surprised when Maddie kisses her on the cheek and says goodbye.

 

She smiles as she falls asleep and thinks about if she should have kissed her. It’s so completely different from any other date she’s had that she wonders if this is it.

 

//

 

She tells Brittany all about her a week later, when she and Maddie have been on a date every day since and still haven’t kissed. She’s a teacher at one of the local elementary schools and Angie kind of loves that. She talks about her happily and wildly until she sees the unsettled look on Brittany’s face.

 

“What’s wrong?” she asks and Brittany shakes her head.

 

“Nothing,” she says and it’s an obvious lie but Angie ignores it. She shifts Minnie more comfortably on her lap and waits. Eventually, Brittany leans forward and sighs. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?” she asks. “Are you sure you’re ready? You’ve been online dating for a couple of years and you’re still not really…”

 

Angie sighs. “Is this about Minnie? Are you worried I won’t help because I told you I—”

 

Brittany swallows thickly and shakes her head before cutting her off. “It’s not about Minnie. There’s no way they’re going to let me adopt her, so…”

 

Angie hadn’t wanted to say anything about that, but she frowns sadly anyway. “Then what’s it about?”

 

Brittany shakes her head and starts toying with the pockets of Minnie’s diaper bag. Angie watches her as she remains quiet for a long time. When she finally looks up, she’s trained her face into a smile that makes Angie only slightly nervous.

 

“Listen, forget it,” she smiles. “I wanted to ask a favor.” Angie nods for her to carry on. “Minnie has an appointment at a children’s hospital in the Bronx in a couple of weeks.”

 

“I thought that was Tuesday…” Angie comments.

 

Brittany nods. “It was. We went and it was fine, but she’s got to go for these tests and they’ve got to check some other stuff. It would be easier if they could switch it to a closer hospital but apparently they have this special social pediatrics department that the social worker recommended. I was hoping you’d come along and help me to keep her occupied.”

 

Angie kisses the top of Minnie’s head. “Of course.”

 

Brittany’s smile looks relieved and Angie doesn’t understand why.

 

//

 

“It’s sweet that you’re helping her out so much,” Maddie says when Angie explains why she has to cut their date short the night before the appointment.

 

Angie shrugs and rests her hands over the arms wrapped around her waist. They’re going to kiss and she knows it already.

 

“She’s my best friend,” she shrugs, thumbs sweeping over Maddie’s wrists and watching her eyes as they flick across Angie’s features and settle on her mouth. “Plus, she was pretty clueless at first, and babies love me.”

 

Maddie smiles at that and finally leans in. She kisses her long and slow, and Angie isn’t quite sure what’s happening. She isn’t sure if it feels good or bad. It’s not something she’s experienced before. She pulls away feeling completely disoriented.

 

“That’s handy to know,” Maddie says as she leans in to kiss her again and then Angie feels something akin to doubt but sinks into the kiss anyway because it feels good. She pushes Maddie away when she presses her back up against the door, and is glad when Maddie smirks and narrows her eyes.

 

“Sorry,” Angie says shyly.

 

Maddie kisses her cheek and pulls back. “You’re worth the wait,” she mumbles and leaves quietly.

 

Angie stays confused and pressed against the door for a very long time.

 

//

 

They get breakfast first and Brittany seems anxious the entire time.

 

“What’s wrong?” Angie asks, taking Minnie when Brittany still hasn’t sat down. She shoves her into a chair and pushes her coffee towards her. “Everything’s going to be fine.”

 

Brittany looks at her nervously and, maybe—she thinks—just a little bit guiltily.

 

“You don’t have to come if you have stuff to do,” she tells her as she gulps back the coffee.

 

Angie shakes her head and presses kisses to Minnie’s cheeks to make her smile. “No, it’s fine. I cleared my schedule. I’m all yours, especially when you’re this anxious.”

 

Brittany bites her lip.

 

“You don’t have to come,” she tries again in a whisper.

 

Angie shakes her head and ignores her.

 

//

 

Minnie’s eyes are wide and curious as they step inside of the hospital. Brittany walks ahead of them to the desk and returns telling her where they need to go. An elevator takes them up to the fourth floor and they wait there for a few minutes before they’re led into an empty examination room and told the doctor will be with them in a few moments.

 

She’s in the middle of blowing raspberries onto Minnie’s stomach when her phone rings. Brittany smiles at her understandingly when she rolls her eyes and says she needs to take it outside.

 

It’s her advisor at school, calling her for the millionth time to ask her how she’s doing and for the ten millionth time she tells him to check his email because she sent him some stuff the night before. He’s a good guy, albeit a little all over the place, and he laughs and apologizes before hanging up. Angie lets herself get some air for a moment before heading back inside the hospital.

 

She doesn’t think before she steps back into the examination room and starts chuckling, ready to tell Brittany all about how dumb her advisor continues to be when she notices that someone else is in the room with her.

 

The person turns around at the sound of Angie’s laugh and Angie’s lungs stop working all over again the minute those blue, blue—always blue—eyes stare right back at her. She gasps and takes a stumbled step backwards as the face staring back at her brightens and falls in recognition.

 

“Hi,” she whispers and Angie presses her hand to her stomach as all those things she thought she’d learned to get over immediately come crashing back down on her.

 

She swallows thickly. “Hi.”

 

Jess watches her carefully and seems to completely forget the other two people in the room. Her eyes are blue and so are the scrubs that she wears. She’s wearing a white coat and blue chucks and she has her hair braided into pigtails. Angie sighs softly at the mere sight of her.

 

She quickly has to remind herself that Jessica Waters is probably married by now.

 

“I’m just here to do some primary observations on um… your um…” She shakes her head and forces an awkward smile before trying again. “I’ve come to do some observations on Minnie.”

 

Angie nods and holds her hands behind her back. She catches Brittany watching them carefully over Jess’ shoulder when neither of them moves.

 

“How are you?” Jess asks quietly, holding a file protectively in front of her.

 

Angie nods and tries to smile. “I’m okay,” she whispers except maybe that isn’t true anymore. She swallows. “How’s um… Amy, wasn’t it?”

 

Jess quickly looks at the floor and then laughs. Angie doesn’t understand what’s funny until Jess glances up at her and shakes her head.

 

“We—we broke up,” she explains.

 

It feels like a punch to Angie’s stomach and her feet stumble forward before she steps back again. She swallows thickly because there’s a huge lump in her throat that she’s not sure is a scream or a sob. It never leaves and she shifts over and over as she tries to force her body to start working again.

 

“You’re…” she starts before stopping. “You’re not married?”

 

Jess smiles softly before shaking her head. It’s then that Angie glances down to look at her hands and notices they’re bare except for the red nail polish coating her fingers.

 

“No,” she says in confirmation when Angie doesn’t do anything. “I’m not.”

 

It’s like a second, stronger punch and Angie clutches at her stomach as her lungs deflate in her chest and she doesn’t quite have the strength to breathe in again. She gasps but nothing happens and Brittany jumps up as Jess darts forward, and suddenly she’s so inexplicably angry that she’s not quite sure what she’s supposed to do.

 

“I’m—I’m going to step outside,” she eventually manages to whisper.

 

Once she steps into the fresh air, she expects a cry or a sob. Instead, she screams in frustration.

 


	3. Almost

Brittany finds her six hours later, in the bar near her apartment.

 

She no longer has Minnie with her and she forces Angie to down her drink before dragging her back to her apartment.

 

Angie shoves her off the minute that they’re inside, spinning around to shove and push her until Brittany holds her hands up in submission. At least she has the decency to keep looking guilty about what she’s done.

 

Angie gives her one more push.

 

“I’d gotten over her!” she spits as Brittany stands there with her hands in her pockets. Angie feels herself pace like an animal, desperate to fight off the half-drunken tears she feels coming. “I’d gotten over her,” she repeats. “I’d stopped thinking about her every day and I’d taken the goddamn picture out of my wallet.” She looks up at Brittany and jabs a finger into her chest. “I’d made peace with the fact that she was no longer an option. It broke my heart, Britt, but I’d made peace with the fact that I _had_ to move on. I didn’t want to but I did. I fucking _did,_ Brittany. I got over her.”

 

Brittany smiles sadly and shrugs. “Then why are you screaming?”

 

It’s such a wiseass thing to say but Angie has no response so she falls to sit down on her couch.

 

“I thought you had, you know?” Brittany says when Angie just presses a hand over her forehead and tries not to cry. “I’ve watched you, Angela, and I thought—I was so fucking sure—that you’d gotten over her. Except you _still_ think about her everyday, don’t you?” Angie glances up at her ready to argue but there’s something in her best friend’s expression that stops her and forces her to shrink where she sits. “The picture has gone from your wallet but do you think I haven’t seen that it’s in the bottom of your nightstand? Do you think I haven’t noticed that you still have that ratty old t-shirt tucked down the back of your mattress?”

 

Angie looks away and shakes her head at the words but Brittany doesn’t stop. She sighs in disappointment instead.

 

“You whisper her name in your sleep, Angie,” she tells her and the words are the last thing Angie needs to press her fingers into her eyes and try to push away the floods of tears and bone-rattling sobs that rush through her. “And that would be fine. I probably still wouldn’t have asked you to come to that appointment but then I showed up for that appointment two weeks ago and witnessed the look on her face when she saw me.” Angie stares up at the ceiling as Brittany speaks. “You know, she thought we were together when she saw us in Philly that time. She pretended like she didn’t recognize me so I pretended the same but then you should have seen the way she treated Minnie.”

 

When Angie shoots her a confused look, she shrugs and her next words come out in a voice struggling through tears.

 

“She sat with her for twenty minutes before she even did anything and just looked at her like she was the most wonderful thing she’d ever seen,” Brittany tells her. “She looked at her and it was just… utter and complete joy and disappointment.” Angie shakes her head and angrily wipes away her tears. “And I asked her why today and she told me that it was because she was glad you’d found happiness. She was glad you’d got all the things you deserved.” Brittany pauses and shrugs her shoulders. “When I told her that we were just friends and that I was only fostering Minnie for a little while, she had to leave the room.”

 

“You’re lying,” Angie whispers and it’s a pathetic excuse.

 

“I’m not,” Brittany whispers. “She looked at me and I saw _you_ in her expression. I saw the same thing staring back at me that I’ve seen in you for the past ten years.”

 

Angie shakes her head. “It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m better now.”

 

Brittany looks at her but doesn’t argue. She puts a card down on the kitchen table and reaches for her coat.

 

“She gave me her number,” she explains, pointing to the card. “Use it if you want.”

 

The door clicks as she leaves.

 

//

 

She doesn’t sleep but she snuggles under a blanket on her bed with a bottle of whisky and stares at the card that Brittany had left on her kitchen table.

 

 _Dr. Jessica M. Waters_ , is what it says. _Resident in Social Pediatrics._

There’s a work number and a work email. There’s an office number. On the back, in Jess’ still-familiar scrawl, there’s an address and a cell number and another number and an email address.

 

She drunkenly grabs her phone and types the cell number into it without thinking. She has to do it a couple of times because her eyes hurt from crying and she hasn’t taken her contacts out yet. She stays there for a long time just staring at the number until the night sky starts to brighten up.

 

It used to be at this hour, when Angie would wake up and just stare at Jess beside her for a long time. It used to be at this hour, when everything gets colder all of a sudden, that Jess used to shiver and snuggle closer. Her breath used to be warm but her skin was even warmer.

 

Angie misses it.

 

The memory makes her choke back a sob.

 

She presses the green button without thinking. It answers after two rings.

 

“Hello?” Jess whispers and Angie lets her eyes flutter at the sound of her sleepy voice as she repeats herself twice more. “Gee?” she finally asks. “Is that you?”

 

And no one’s called her that in such a long time that she sucks in a not-so-unexpected sob. Jess gasps in relief at the sound of it.

 

“I can’t sleep,” Angie finally whispers.

 

Jess breathes steadily over the line and that’s already enough to lull her into peace.

 

“Tell me what I can do to help,” she mumbles carefully. And then, “I’ll do anything.”

 

Angela thinks she means more than just tonight.

 

“Can you say my name again?” she asks and she feels pathetic except Jess’ unsteady breath in tells her that she’s not pathetic at all.

 

“Angela,” she whispers after a moment. “My Gee.”

 

The hand resting beneath Angie’s head moves quickly to press against her eyes. She sobs quietly, sucking in breath softly in the hopes that Jess won’t hear. It doesn’t matter anyway because she can hear Jess’ own unsteady breathing down the end of the line. She’s not sure if she’s crying but she knows, inherently, instinctively, that she’s close to.

 

“What else?” Jess struggles and Angie reaches up and removes the t-shirt from the end of the bed and tucks it up against her chin.

 

“Can we just stay like this?” she whispers softly. “Just like this.”

 

Jess whispers her agreement.

 

Angie falls asleep to the gentle, protective noises she makes over the phone.

 

//

 

She wakes up with the t-shirt pressed against her nose and her phone still in her hand.

 

She feels hung-over in so many different ways and she rips out her contacts and scrambles to find her glasses when her eyes burn with dryness. It makes it easier to see when she checks her phone to make sure if last night actually happened.

 

She has one text message from an unsaved number.

 

 _I hope you slept well and had sweet dreams_ , it says. _If you can, please text me when you wake up_.

 

The request makes Angie feels sick. She rolls onto her back and isn’t sure if she can.

 

She saves the number anyway.

 

//

 

She goes on a date with Maddie that evening instead.

 

She lets Maddie take her back to her apartment in the West Village after dinner and doesn’t argue when Maddie presses her up against the front door while fighting to find her keys. All Angie wants to feel is something that isn’t _this_.

 

“Are you sure?” Maddie asks as she kisses Angie’s jaw and Angie’s too aware of the fact that she isn’t kissing back, but passively gripping onto her. She nods and lets Maddie guide her inside to the bed, lets Maddie remove her coat and her shoes and grips at the back of Maddie’s blouse as she slowly undoes the buttons of Angie’s shirt. She lets Maddie remove her jeans and kiss her skin and it isn’t until Maddie pulls away and looks up at her that she realizes something is wrong. “Are you okay?” Maddie asks. “You’re crying.”

 

Angie bites her bottom lip and shakes her head at herself. She chokes back sobs and lets go of Maddie’s shirt to cover her hands over her eyes. They burn and she wishes she wasn’t wearing her contacts.

 

“I can’t do this,” she chokes and Maddie pulls away in an instant to lie beside her.

 

She nods her head understandingly and strokes her hand down Angie’s side. “It’s okay we can try again another—”

 

Angie looks at her imploringly. “I can’t do _this_ ,” she hiccups. “I don’t think I can see you anymore.”

 

Sadness washes over Maddie’s features and she sits up in confusion. “Why?”

 

Angie shrugs her shoulders and thinks about the fact that she felt more connected to someone after ten years via phone call than she has in all the other relationships she’s had in her life. No kiss, no hug, no sex has ever felt as soul destroying as listening to the sound of Jessica Waters breathing.

 

“I don’t have anything to give you,” she whispers.

 

After all, she realizes, she gave everything away a long time ago.

 

//

 

 _Can I meet you_?

The response is instant.

 

 _Where?_ She writes back and Angie hasn’t thought that far. She’s somewhere in SoHo and the only place she really wants to be is by the river.

 

 _Brooklyn Heights Promenade_.

 

Jess types back quickly.

 

_In the Bronx. Be there ASAP._

//

 

She finds Angie an hour or so later, changed into jeans and a sweatshirt and sat on a bench with her knees pulled up to her chest.

 

She sits down quietly beside her and waits for Angie so she can follow her lead.

 

“I thought you were in Chicago,” is the first thing that Angie says as she stares out at the buildings across from them.

 

Jess tugs the sleeves of her sweater down over her hands and pulls her jacket tighter around her. “I was but then I got matched with a residency program in the Bronx so I had to move here.”

 

“You’re a doctor,” Angie says pointlessly. She knew this already.

 

Jess smiles and nods. “Yeah. And you’re back at Columbia.” When Angie looks up, Jess shrugs. “Brittany told me.”

 

Angie buries her chin back in her forearms. “She shouldn’t have done that.”

 

Jess laughs and pulls her feet up until she can sit facing Angie. “I didn’t really give her much choice.”

 

Angie feels her stomach swirl into knots and she hates how her most instinctive action when she’s near this woman is to want to fall into her, to kiss her and never let go. She hates that the most inherent thing inside of her is to love this woman until there’s no breath left in her body. She hates it and she thinks it’s going to kill her.

 

She bitterly wants to hurt Jess for making her feel this way.

 

“Why didn’t you get married?” she asks and she expects for Jess to curl in on herself, to become defensive but instead she remains steadfast in everything she does.

 

Her fingers interlock around her own ankles and she pulls her jacket tighter around her. She watches Angie for a long time and it makes Angie feel warm and uncomfortable at the same time. She wants to snap at Jess for staring but she also wants to tell her to never stop.

 

“It’s funny,” Jess finally says. “I was completely fine until that day I saw you back home. I had completely convinced myself that I was going to marry Amy and live in Chicago and do my residency there and maybe get a dog or something. I was fine, until the minute I saw you and it was like…” She trails off softly and takes an uneven breath. It’s the first crack that Angie witnesses to her hard exterior. “She figured it out the minute she saw us together. I’d only been engaged for eleven days and I was about to go tell my dad all about how I’d fallen for this perfect woman and then I got one look at you and that was it. Everything unraveled. There was no one else on the planet except you.”

 

Angie sees her wipe her eyes out the corner of her own and stays quiet.

 

“It took less than twenty-four hours for us to break up after that,” she whispers. “Amy went back to Chicago and I sat on that swing wishing I was sixteen again. When I went to your mom’s to ask where you were, you’d already gone and I thought I’d missed my chance. I went back to Northwestern and I thought, I’ll apply to all these residencies and if I get one in New York then she’ll find me. If we’re meant to be she’ll find me. Then I got matched to the Bronx and I had no idea where you were… I went to every single Legal Aid in the city and you weren’t in any of them so I thought, in a city of eight million people, I’ll stay where I’m supposed to be and if she finds me, we’re meant to be.”

 

Angie tilts her head to the side and can see how there’s tears rolling down her cheeks.

 

“And then your best friend came into my office one day with a baby and I thought she was your wife and I just about lost it,” she admits. “I was so happy and proud and relieved but it—it felt like I was dying. And then two weeks later you walk in and it was… horrifying. All I kept thinking was that you’d found me but you were someone else’s and then you walked out and Brittany told me the truth and it was like…” She lets out an unsteady breath. “Everything made sense again.”

 

She shakes it off and Angie finally turns to her to find her smiling so peacefully it hurts. She studies her face and it almost aches, just to look at her. Jess stares back and she isn’t sure if she wants to kiss her or just trace every single one of her features until they’re re-ingrained in her memory.

 

“Your eyes are so blue,” she whispers and it makes Jess smile.

 

She wipes tears from her cheeks and shakes her head. “They’ve got nothing on yours.”

 

Angie looks at her. “Mine are green,” she reminds her.

 

Jess’s bottom lip quivers. “That’s not what I meant.”

 

It makes Angie smile.

 

//

 

They sit there on that bench until it’s late, just watching each other and commenting on the things around them.

 

When Jess looks at her watch and says she better find a cab, Angela doesn’t feel like she can let her go. She wants her to be close for just a little while longer.

 

She likes being back in her presence.

 

“You should come back to my apartment,” she says and shrugs when Jess turns to her in quiet shock. “You can sleep on my couch, if you want. But it’s late and you have to go all the way back to the Bronx and my apartment is five minutes away.”

 

Jess doesn’t respond but when Angie starts walking, she follows.

 

She’s quiet the entire walk there and when Angie lets her into her apartment first before stepping in after her, Jess instantly begins looking around the space in wonder. She makes a soft noise when the cat pops out her head to greet them.

 

“Who’s this?” she asks as she bends down to pet her grey head.

 

Angie removes her coat and hangs it up by the door. “That’s Stella,” she offers before indicating for Jess’ jacket. She takes it off quietly and Angie doesn’t know how she feels about the fact that blue eyes are now taking in her safe space. “Can I get you a drink?”

 

Jess shrugs and Angie heads to her fridge to take out a bottle of water. She hands it to Jess and she holds it uncomfortably in her hands. Angie knows she’s too busy looking at all the pictures on the walls to worry about anything else.

 

“You’ve been so many places,” she mumbles as she peers over to look at the picture of Angie standing on the Great Wall of China.

 

Angie wants to tell her that she thought about her in all of them.

 

Instead she looks around and takes them in herself. “Brittany drags me along on her adventures sometimes.”

 

Jess steps in close to the frame that has the pictures of Angie that first time in Peru. Her face softens and Angie thinks it’s probably because that was when she last looked like the Angie that Jess knew. She pulls back quickly and shoots Angie a kind smile. “What’s your favorite place in the world?”

 

Angie looks at her and has to resist the urge to say that her favorite place is right here this second. Instead, she tells the truth.

 

“Philadelphia,” she says and it doesn’t shock her anymore.

 

Jess instantly gives her a look, her jaw twitching with the need to say something, before she turns away and looks somewhere else. Her hands touch the spines of the books on her shelf and giggle at her small choice of DVDs. Her CDs were long ago swapped for an iPod dock but she still has all the ones she couldn’t replace.

 

“We should sleep,” Angie says when the expression on Jess’ face becomes too much. “I have school in the morning.”

 

Jess nods and settles on the couch while Angie goes to her closet to fetch spare sheets. She has no spare pillow so she takes one of the half a dozen off her bed and hands it to her.

 

She instantly clutches it to her chest.

 

“Do you need something to wear?” Jess shakes her head and begins setting the couch up how she wants it. Angie nods. “Then good night.”

 

//

 

She can’t sleep because all she wants is to step out into her living room and cuddle in beside Jess. She stares at the ceiling and tries not to notice the way that Jess’ smell has somehow already permeated her senses.

 

She buries her head into her pillows and tries not to think about the fact that there’s only one wall separating them.

 

She wants to be surprised but she isn’t when there’s a small knock on her bedroom door. She gets up to open it, just to check that it isn’t Stella being an asshole again. She doesn’t even flinch when she finds Jess there, looking small and still clutching the pillow to her chest. There are tears in her eyes and she shifts from one mismatched sock to the other before shrugging.

 

“I don’t want to make things harder for you,” she whispers thickly. “I’m sure you got completely over me a long time ago and are totally annoyed by all this, but I can’t sleep and I was wondering if— _just this once_ —I could just…”

 

Angie puts her out of her misery by stepping aside to let her into the room. Jess’ shoulders slump and she stands awkwardly at the side of the bed before Angie gets in first. She slips into the bed beside her and lays right on the edge, still clutching the pillow. She doesn’t stop until Angie turns over to face her and mirrors her actions until they’re staring at each other.

 

“Comfy?” Angie asks.

 

Jess shuffles closer and nods.

 

“Good.”

 

//

 

She wakes up around 5am with her arm around Jess’ middle and her nose buried into her hair. It makes her flinch and she’s ready to pull back when a hand wraps around hers and keeps her still.

 

“Please don’t move,” Jess whispers desperately and her voice is watery again. She strokes the backs of Angie’s fingers and squeezes them once before letting go. “I just want it this once.”

 

Her scrub top is itchy and irritating. It smells like disinfectant when all Angie wants is for it to smell like Jess. She urges it up until Jess takes it off wordlessly and tosses it over the side of the bed. She’s wearing a tank top underneath and Angie feels her body soften as she buries her nose into the bare skin at the base of her neck. The skin beneath her hand is warmer now as she curls herself around Jess’ body.

 

“Thank you,” Jess whispers.

 

Angie stays awake long enough to feel her breathing even out.

 

//

 

They wake up in silence and lay there together for a long time before Angie has to excuse herself to shower and get dressed. Jess is trying to figure out how to use her coffee maker when she gets out of the shower. She gasps at the sight of Angie in her button down and tailored pants. She stops what she’s doing and watches as Angie moves around the apartment getting herself ready, only snapping out of it when Angie gives her a brand new toothbrush.

 

“Thanks,” she whispers and disappears into the bathroom.

 

When she returns, there’s a cup of coffee sitting on the counter for her. She takes it and fixes it how she wants with the cream and sugar sat beside it. Angie notices that she likes it sweeter now.

 

“Do you have work?” Angie asks.

 

Jess snaps from her reverie staring at her and shakes her head. “No, I’m off today.”

 

Angie nods and sips from her own cup of coffee. “You keep staring at me.”

 

“You look different,” Jess tells her and Angie’s heard it a million times before.

 

She chuckles knowingly. “I got attractive.”

 

That makes Jess laugh. When Angie turns to her, she shakes her head. “Sorry, it’s just… you were always the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. You still are. But that’s not what’s different. You’re all confident and grown up.” She steps in closer and lets her fingers toy with the hem of Angie’s shirt as she looks down her body. “You’re wearing proper shoes, for god’s sake.”

 

Angie feels herself soften and she moves her coffee cup out the way as Jess keeps admiring her.

 

“Not everyone can wear chucks and sports jerseys for the rest of their life,” she quips, playfully.

 

It earns her a smirk. “Then that’s just sad.”

 

The moment is charged and she takes a deep breath before shaking her head. “We should go. I’m going to be late.”

 

//

 

She’s surprised when Jess gets off the subway and walks her all the way to her class at Columbia. She wanders behind her with her hands in her jacket pockets and only looks up when Angie turns around to say goodbye.

 

“This is it?” Jess says and Angie nods, unable to miss the disappointment so obviously covering her features. “Okay…”

 

Angie smiles. “I’ll call you.”

 

Jess shifts from one foot to the other again. “You better,” she says awkwardly and it’s that which makes Angie reach forward and wrap her in a hug. It makes Jess gasp out a soft, surprised, “Oh…”

 

“I’ll call you tonight,” Angie whispers when they part. “I promise.”

 

Jess is still standing there when she enters the building.

 

//

 

She has no attention span for the rest of the day.

 

She should be listening to professors and advisors but really she’s just daydreaming about the way Jess had felt small and right in her arms. It feels like a weight has been lifted and dislodged somewhere else but all she really feels is light.

 

It makes her feel safer, knowing where Jess is.

 

It makes her smile when she gets a text asking, _are you concentrating?_

She has to bite her bottom lip to stop herself from grinning stupidly in the middle of class.

_Not even a little bit_ , she replies honestly.

 

It takes a long time for Jess to message back.

 

 _That makes me really happy_ , is all it says.

 

The smile stays in place for the rest of the day.

 

//

 

“Who slept on your couch?” Brittany asks when they get back to her apartment from the grocery store that afternoon.

 

Angie stops in the entryway and remembers that they forgot to tidy away the sheets Jess didn’t actually use and that the sugar that Angie doesn’t take in her coffee is still left out on the counter.

 

She doesn’t know what to say.

 

“Was it Maddie?” Brittany asks even though they both know she knows exactly who it was. When Angie’s face turns into a blush and she shrugs her shoulders in lieu of an answer, Brittany smirks. “Really?”

 

Angie can’t fight the half-smile that covers her face and turns away as she shrugs again.

 

“Don’t be coy,” Brittany warns.

 

That makes her laugh because she doesn’t know how she could ever be coy about this.

 

“I’m not,” she says as she starts putting away the groceries. “I don’t have anything to say about it. We met up last night, we barely talked about anything of importance, and I offered to let her stay because it was late and she had to go back to the Bronx.”

 

Brittany’s right there behind her when she turns around and it only just makes her jump. Her shoulders slump and she looks over Brittany’s shoulder instead of at her smug, knowing face.

 

“Please don’t let this scare you,” she mutters.

 

Angie feels tears well in her eyes and she shoots Brittany a look before shaking her head.

 

“It’s too late for that,” she whispers.

 

Brittany’s hug is what she’s needed all day.

 

//

 

She calls Jess from her bed later that night.

 

“Hey, it’s late,” Jess says in greeting. “Are you okay?”

 

Angie swallows the relief that hearing her voice again brings. “I promised I’d call.”

 

“I know,” Jess says and Angie can hear her shifting around. “But you’re busy.”

 

The line is silent for a long time and Angie really just likes hearing her breathe and move and sigh.

 

“Did you have a good day?” she asks.

 

Angie wipes away silent tears and wants to tell her that there wasn’t a minute today that she didn’t think about her, that there hasn’t really been a minute in her life that she hasn’t thought about her. She wants to tell her that it’s only been fourteen hours since she saw her but she already misses her so much that it hurts to breathe. She wants to tell her that she’s not sure if she can do this because she doesn’t think she’ll survive the ruin.

 

But she can’t so instead she says, “it was okay.”

 

It’s not a lie. It’s not the truth either.

 

//

 

They text back and forth for the next week or so but Angie never plucks up the courage to ask her to meet again.

 

She’s still scared.

 

The decision is made for her one very chilly and damp night when Brittany calls her in a panic saying that Minnie’s sick.

 

She runs the few blocks to the Berrys’ and takes the baby from Brittany the minute that she opens the door in a panic. She has a fever and she won’t stop crying. She’s got a runny nose and pink cheeks and Angie watches her like a hawk while Brittany goes to the twenty-four hour pharmacy.

 

They give her the baby cold medicine and Tylenol but it does little to help the fever. Instead, it spikes higher, hitting 102 and Angie grabs her phone from her pocket without thinking. Jess makes soothing noises down the phone to get her to calm down and tells her she’ll be there as soon as she can

 

She arrives in a cab with a leather bag in her hands. She’s wearing a Northwestern sweatshirt and some jeans but she still manages to look every bit the medical professional. She somehow manages to soothe Minnie the minute she’s in her arms and takes all her observations before turning to Angie and Brittany.

 

“It’s just a really bad cold,” she reassures them as Minnie plays with her stethoscope. “She’s probably not used to weather like this. Keep up with the cold medicine, and the Tylenol for the fever, and maybe sit with her in the bathroom with a hot shower on. The steam might help.”

 

Brittany nods and gathers Minnie in her arms to take her to the shower, leaving Angie and Jess alone. Jess puts all her things back inside her bag before reaching for her jacket.

 

“I better go,” she whispers and Angie follows her until they’re standing on the front stoop.

 

When she turns to say goodbye, the panic at the thought of her leaving rises up through Angie like her own fever. She reaches out for Jess and shakes her head desperately. “You don’t have to go.”

 

Jess smiles sadly. “But do you want me to stay?”

 

The question gives her pause. She swallows and tilts her head. “I don’t know.”

 

She hates watching the way that Jess’ face falls before she soldiers on with a smile.

 

“You need time,” she says when she notices how Angie becomes anxious and skittish. She reaches for her hand and pulls Angie closer until they’re almost pressed together. “You need time and you can have as much time as you need,” she whispers. “Because I am not going anywhere.”

 

Angie glances up at her through her eyelashes.

 

“We don’t really know anything about each other,” Jess comments and that makes Angie sad. “Maybe you’ve got a great girl out there who treats you better than you dreamed. But even still, I want you to know that I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going anywhere because I already know what it is to regret not waiting for you already.”

 

Angie reaches for her and clutches at her sweatshirt. The reassuring steadiness in her face is almost enough to make Angie make up her mind.

 

“I’m _not_ going anywhere,” Jess whispers again and presses their foreheads together because it’s what they need.

 

They stay there for a long time.

 

//

 

“Did you miss her?” Abe asks when she makes an appointment for the first time in months.

 

Angie gives her a look. “We’ve been through this, Abigail.”

 

Abe smirks. “But did you miss her?” she repeats and Angie takes a deep breath and waits for her to elaborate. “Do you miss her now? Do you miss her already?”

 

Angie looks up and stares at the wall above Abe’s head as she thinks. She lets her eyes flutter closed and her throat swallow thickly when she feels the urge to cry.

 

“I don’t think I know how to exist without missing her,” she whispers, with a shrug and finally looks back at Abe. “I don’t think I’ve ever not missed her. I don’t know what that feels like, to not miss her.”

 

Abe looks at her softly and shifts to rest her chin on her hand. “And now she’s here.”

 

“She’s here,” Angie repeats around the quiver in her jaw.

 

Abe smiles reassuringly. “She’s here and she’s waiting.”

 

Angie nods because that’s the only thing that’s been running through her subconscious on loop for the past week since she last saw her. “Yeah.”

 

“What are you going to do?” Abe asks. “Despite everything else, this is what you’ve been waiting for. Here’s your chance to make a decision about her and about your future. There’s nothing stopping you.”

 

Angie laughs breathlessly and mirthlessly. “There’s everything stopping me.”

 

“You don’t have to be scared,” Abe reminds her knowingly.

 

It’s what makes the tears start dripping down her cheeks. She takes a deep gulp of oxygen and feels herself shatter like glass.

 

“But what if she leaves me again?” she asks out loud.

 

Abe sighs and reaches for her hand.

 

“There’s only one way to find out.”

 

//

 

She’s ready to spend more time avoiding her but Brittany stops that within a few days.

 

She invites Jess to Friday night bi-monthly karaoke and Angie stops outside when she sees her standing in line to get in.

 

She has her hair down, all messy blonde curls surrounding her face, and her eyes are outlined with black eyeliner. Angie stops because she looks so grown up in her blue silk shirt and black jeans. She wears a black leather jacket but her feet are still shoved into dirty blue chucks.

 

Her mouth drops open as she spots Angie walking towards her. They get stuck looking at each other and it’s like the dozens of other people around them don’t exist.

 

“Lemme guess,” Angie says, as she gets closer. “Brittany invited you.”

 

Jess smiles nervously and her eyes don’t stop as they explore Angie’s features. “She didn’t tell me you were going to be here, though,” she admits. “I mentioned to her at Minnie’s last appointment that I didn’t have many friends here so she invited me along.” She bites her bottom lip and takes a deep breath. “I didn’t know you were going to be here.”

 

The way she says it makes Angie thinks there should be an “ _or”_ at the end of that sentence. She wonders what it is. Maybe it’s an “or I wouldn’t have come”. Maybe it’s an “or I would have told you”.

 

“You look beautiful,” Jess whispers and the way her face falls after the words leave her mouth makes Angie think she wasn’t supposed to say that out loud.

 

Angie smiles and reaches for her hand, clutches carefully at her fingers to reassure her. All it does is make Jess stare down between them in silent awe. Angie would be lying if she said she didn’t get a kick out of it.

 

She smiles and watches as Jess carefully strokes the back of her palm. It’s endearing and it almost takes her breath away.

 

“You know you don’t have to stay in line, right?” she whispers when they’ve been standing there for fifteen minutes just staring at each other. Jess looks up in confusion and narrows her eyes. “Our friend Rachel’s dad owns the bar.”

 

She leads her inside and isn’t surprised that both their names are on the list. Angie’s gets crossed off without her even saying anything but Jess smiles in surprise when the doorman crosses hers off too. It’s as dark and dingy as usual. It’s full to the brim with patrons but Angie takes Jess by the hand and leads her through to the back where their usual booth is. She turns around just before they get there and sees that the once-confident Jessica Waters looks nervous as hell. She squeezes her fingers and tugs her closer.

 

“Heyyyyy!” Brittany drawls when she sees them. She kisses Jess on the cheek, and then Angie, and looks every bit already drunk as usual. She takes Angie’s face in her hands as Angie continues to hold Jess’ and gives her a serious look. “Did I tell you I’m going to run for Congress yet?”

 

Angie lets her mouth drop and rolls her eyes. She knows that Brittany’s serious but she doesn’t quite have the time or energy to deal with this right now. She juts out her jaw in annoyance before watching Brittany snort and grab her drink from the table.

 

“I’m in trouble?” she says.

 

Angie nods. “So much fucking trouble.”

 

Brittany looks behind her to Jess. “She’s not as scary as she looks,” she faux-whispers as she slips out from between them.

 

Jess just smiles and glances at Angie so fondly that Angie has to do something to break the tension. “Hey, guys!” she shouts to their group and they all turn and shout when they finally spot her. They stop when she tugs Jess closer. “This is Jess.”

 

They all welcome her warmly but then Artie’s name gets called to do his regular rendition of “Pony” by Ginuwine and they start screaming instead. Angie tugs Jess until they find two empty seats and removes her jacket. When she turns to Jess, she finds her staring again. She ignores it quietly.

 

“Do you want a drink?” she asks.

 

Jess blinks out of her reverie and nods. “Rum,” she comments softly. “Lots of rum. Rum and coke.”

 

It makes Angie giggle and she squeezes her hand, noticing it’s somehow clutched in her own again. She reels off their order to the guy in the corner who does the table service and he winks at her before heading off to the bar. He returns with their drinks and Jess takes a relieved sip of hers as Angie puts hers on the table in front of her.

 

She’s about to speak when Rachel drunkenly stumbles over to them. She introduces herself loudly and then regards Jess with a concentration that almost makes Angie laugh.

 

“Do you sing, Jess?” she asks and Jess shoots Angie a nervous glance. “Tonight is nineties night.”

 

“Not without a ton of alcohol,” she admits quietly and Angie smiles.

 

She takes her first sip from her jack and coke before winking at Rachel. “Put her down for _No Diggity_.”

 

It makes Rachel jump in excitement and Angie watches her stumble over to the DJ before she glances back at Jess who smirks at her with the barest amused annoyance.

 

“You did not just do that,” she mutters.

 

Angie bites her bottom lip and gives her a grin. It’s the most playful she’s felt in a long time.

 

“You’re not fooling anyone,” she giggles when Jess keeps staring unimpressed. “I’ve heard you sing it in the shower.”

 

//

 

Jess manages to sneak in three rum and cokes before she’s called to the stage. She keeps holding onto Angie’s hand for as long as possible before she has to let go and watches her the whole reluctant way to the stage before taking the mic.

 

Her voice is deep and husky and Angie makes a mental note to chastise her for still smoking but then forgets when Brittany drags her onto the dance floor. She forces her to stand in the crowd right in front of Jess on stage and Angie only slightly loves it when Jess instantly starts singing to her.

 

She follows wordlessly when Brittany drags them both onto the stage and they start shouting the _No diggitys_. Jess takes her hand and starts singing to her as Brittany starts grinding drunkenly against her back. It makes them both laugh but by the time the next verse comes around, the entire room is singing along with them and Jess’ cheeks are flushed pink with happiness and excitement.

 

It’s on a whim that she wraps her arm around Jess’ waist and starts swaying with her as they shout along with the rest of the group to the bridge. Brittany joins in, slipping in front of them, coaxing them into a lazy synchronized dance, before stealing the mic to rap the part before the last bridge.

 

When Jess turns to her happily at the end of the song and doesn’t kiss her, it makes her realize what her life could become. It scares and excites her and she wraps her arms around Jess’ middle and holds her tight.

 

Rachel, up next singing Bobby Brown’s _My Prerogative,_ has to kick them off the stage.

 

//

 

Everyone loves Jess and Angie can understand why when she discovers that Grown-Up-Drunk Jess is way less of a mess than Teenage-Drunk Jess. She holds her liquor well and Angie feels a deep warmth in her gut as Jess keeps swaying her body to the music habitually. She likes it even better when Jess grabs her waist when she does it.

 

Perhaps she’s being too over-friendly for it being this early in their re-acquaintance but then Angie remembers that she’s already slept in her bed. She also remembers that Jess is _Jess_ and there’s no way that she’d ever be able to not be this close to her.

 

They share a microphone as they get up with the other girls to collectively sing _No Scrubs_ to Artie. Jess’ arm around her waist is becoming almost normal and she tangles their fingers as they sway their hips together. She’s not sure how she comes back from the fun she’s had tonight. She’s not sure if she’ll ever have this much fun here again if Jess isn’t with her.

 

“You’re one of us now,” Brittany sing-songs as though she’s somehow reading the worries in Angie’s mind.

 

Jess’s arm squeezes comfortingly around her waist like she can read them too and she smiles wildly as she mutters, “I was hoping you’d say that.”

 

//

 

Like normal, Brittany drags everyone to the boardwalk to get coneys from _Nathan’s_.

 

Like normal, Rachel protests she’s vegan before scoffing down three of them.

 

Angie orders for Jess, taking in the confused look on her face as she wonders what the hell she’s supposed to eat. She makes _ridiculously inappropriate_ noises as she eats and Angie laughs to stop herself from blushing, then forces her to share her chili cheese fries.

 

Her hand is on Angie’s thigh as Angie feeds them to her and she snorts in amusement as they keep dropping into the space between them.

 

“You’re drunk,” she keeps telling her to Angie’s protests. She shakes her head and looks at her with such ridiculous drunk seriousness that it lapses her into giggles. “You’re drunk, Angela Giardino. You’re drunk.”

 

She wipes cheese sauce from Jess’ bottom lip and shakes her head. “You’re drunk, too.”

 

Jess’ face softens and she holds up a matter-of-fact hand. “But I’ve never seen a drunk Angela Giardino.”

 

It’s a fact that has Angie remembering all the stuff she missed and, like this, all she can feel is grateful. All she can feel is happy.

 

//

 

They all get the subway back to Angie’s apartment and Angie tugs on Jess’ hand when she tries to get back on the train that takes her back to the Bronx.

 

“I should go, I should go,” she mumbles as Angie keeps protesting, pulling her back against her body.

 

“It’s _tradition_ ,” Rachel wails obnoxiously as they all shiver in their ridiculous jackets. “Karaoke, coneys and Angie’s cold apartment. Then we wake up, hung-over and pathetic, get breakfast at Eli’s, and then go sweat the headache off at the studio.”

 

Jess runs her hand down Angie’s back even as she continues to protest.

 

“Just come,” Angie mumbles, her body starting to sober up quicker than she’d like.

 

Jess follows without another word.

 

//

 

The others follow the routine of getting back to her apartment and pulling out the air mattress, goofing around as they try to inflate it with the foot pump. It’s usually Angie’s job to find the sheets and prepare the glasses of water. She does it all as Jess watches her fondly and, once they’ve all pulled off their shoes and she’s made sure everyone’s drunk at least two glasses of water each, is usually when Angie and Britt would head to her bedroom.

 

Instead, Brittany snuggles in between Rachel and Tina on the air mattress and barely glances back at her.

 

“Night,” she says dismissively at the look Angie gives her.

 

It makes Angie blush and she wordlessly takes Jess by the hand and leads her back to her room instead. They don’t close the door because it seems weird to, but Jess kicks off her chucks and rubs tiredly at her eyes. She falls to sit down on the edge of the bed and Angie watches her carefully before heading to her dresser.

 

“Do you want something to wear?” she asks quietly.

 

Jess shakes her head. “Too tired.”

 

She falls backwards across the bed and groans. Angie starts changing, figuring that it’s safe with Jess’ eyes closed and the lights off.

 

But Jess’ blue eyes are on her when she turns around with nothing on but her underwear. She stares back, just to challenge her, but Jess is shameless. She looks more sober than she has done in a while and her arms halo around her head, playing with her own hair as she watches Angie pull her pajama pants on and turn away before taking off her bra. Angie shoots her a look over her naked shoulder before pulling on a Columbia t-shirt.

 

“Have you got work in the morning?” she quickly changes the subject when she turns around.

 

Jess still watches her as she moves to lay the right way around. “No, I don’t work Saturdays.”

 

Angie lies down beside her and turns to look at her.

 

“That’s good,” Angie comments as Jess’ sleepy eyes find her. She can’t remember being this content.

 

It’s that which makes her press a hand to Jess’ stomach and scratch there in a way that Jess used to such a long time ago. Jess recognizes the still familiar instruction and turns onto her side, curling her body into the middle of the bed until Angie can wrap herself around her back and bury her face in sweaty hair.

 

“Thank you,” Jess whispers when Angie’s sure she’s about to fall asleep.

 

She pulls her closer instead of responding.

 

//

 

She wakes up to the sound of Artie singing some sort of Michael Jackson medley with the support of his three very happy backing singers.

 

Jess groans in her arms and the first thing Angie does that morning is giggle into her hair and wrap her protectively closer as Jess brings her hands up to her ears.

 

“Are they fucking serious?” she whines into the pillow. It just makes Angie laugh even harder and Jess slaps at the arm wrapped around her waist. “It’s _early_.”

 

When she rolls onto her back, Angie props herself up onto an elbow to look down at her. Her make-up is smeared around her eyes and the rest of her is pale. She looks incredibly tired, crabby and unimpressed. She looks at Angie through narrow eyes and groans when their singing gets louder.

 

“I hate them,” she whines.

 

Angie leans forward to kiss her forehead without thinking. She’s ready to feel embarrassed about it when it only barely wipes the annoyance off Jess’ face.

 

“You’re going to have to do better than that,” she mumbles before rolling inward to bury her head in Angie’s neck instead. Angie can feel her mumbling there. “Bunch of whack jobs.”

 

Angie strokes patterns over her back until her body softens and, despite the Broadway show going on in her kitchen, Jess somehow manages to go back to sleep for another ninety minutes.

 

//

 

She gives her some clean sweatpants and one of her old Wellesley t-shirts and tries not to become too googly-eyed over how good she looks in it.

 

She can already feel Jess fitting her way back into her life when she rifles through her dresser to find a clean pair of socks and forgets to put the cap back on the toothpaste. She steals Advil from her medicine cabinet and collapses back onto the bed to bury her head in Angie’s stomach while Angie dries her hair and piles it into a messy bun.

 

She sits quietly beside her as they take the train to Coney Island and buries her head into her arms once they’re seated in a booth at Eli’s. Angie orders what used to be Jess’ favorite breakfast for her when she fails to reemerge when the waiter arrives. She thinks that maybe she fell asleep when Jess darts up in a panic fifteen minutes later.

 

Angie rests a hand on her wrist to calm her down. She puts pancakes and hash browns and bacon in front of her and loves the way Jess softens when she sees it. She looks like she wants to utter something she shouldn’t but instead she just grabs one of the pancakes whole and starts chomping on it.

 

“I fucking love breakfast,” she whimpers instead.

 

Angie lets her hand fall to her thigh because it feels right.

 

//

 

When they take her upstairs to the dance studio, she looks confused. Jess eyes the space wearily and doesn’t know what to do when Artie crosses to room to man the sound system like usual. He shouts his usual instructions and Angie tosses her sweatshirt at Jess’ feet before the beat starts and she’s moving to the beat of the music alongside everyone else.

 

And she hates herself for showing off a little, just because she can see the way that Jess’ mouth has dropped open and her eyes have glazed over.

 

Brittany must have noticed too because she tries to encourage Angie to pull as many dirty moves as possible. She’s pretty sure that all her friends are in cahoots to either embarrass her or kill Jess because Artie keeps playing dirty sexy song after dirty sexy song. Jess slips down the mirror to sit limply on her ass after the third one and it makes Angie want to laugh but she’s too busy keeping up.

 

“Where the fuck did you learn that?” Jess gapes when they stop for a quick break.

 

Angie catches the bottle of water Brittany throws her and finally chuckles as she sits beside Jess. “Brittany and I had a deal in college. I’d go to dance classes with her if she came to softball practice with me.”

 

“Except someone dropped softball the minute she could and kept up dance,” Brittany scoffs, poking out her tongue as she wanders across the room.

 

Angie rolls her eyes before staring into her lap. “It made me feel good about myself,” she admits after a moment. “I liked how it made me feel about the body I’d always hated.”

 

Jess nods in understanding. “Then if I didn’t already love it, I do now.”

 

It makes Angie smile and blush.

 

Jess nudges her foot with her own.

 

“Teach me?” she asks.

 

Angie grins.

 

//

 

They dance until the late afternoon when Brittany says she has to go get Minnie from the Berrys and everyone else has to leave for the other plans they have that day.

 

Jess asks Angie if she wants to get dinner before she heads back and Angie takes her to Bensonhurst to show her the restaurant she found with the good meatballs.

 

They agree that they’re not as good as Angie’s mom’s but they eat them anyway. Jess takes her home before stopping in her doorway.

 

“I’ve got work in the morning,” she tells her reluctantly. “I should head home.”

 

Angie nods in disappointment and grips her doorframe to stop herself from doing anything stupid. She pauses, not sure how to say goodbye anymore and acts without thinking, leaning forward to kiss Jess’ forehead lingeringly. It makes Jess let out an uneven breath.

 

“I have to go,” she laughs shakily. Angie frowns and Jess laughs as she steps back. “I have to because otherwise I’m going to do something I don’t want to do until you tell me I can.”

 

Angie looks at her in confusion but instead of explaining, Jess just kisses her fingers and waves.

 

She doesn’t look away until she has to.

 

She takes a part of Angie with her.

 

//

 

 _Why do you have to work on Sundays?_ Angie texts her, after waking up to a message of the grumpy-faced emoji the morning after.

 

The response isn’t as immediate as she’d like but she stays in bed and waits for it.

 

 _I don’t_ , Jess writes. _But I help out at a local free clinic for people who can’t afford healthcare every other Sunday._

 

It gives Angie an idea but she stores it away because it’s too early for that. She rolls onto her back and stares up at the ceiling, trying not to notice how empty her bed feels this morning after yesterday. She tries not to notice that the smell of Jess’ sweat still lingers on her pillow.

 

 _I miss you_ , she types out before instantly deleting it.

 

 _I wish you were here_ , she writes before doing the same.

 

 _That’s awesome_ , she writes eventually and spends twenty minutes groaning at herself for not knowing what to do.

 

 _You should come to dance on Tuesday too,_ she quickly follows the message with.

 

Jess responds quicker this time. _I usually work late on Tuesdays but I’ll try my best!_

 

Angie struggles not to feel too disappointed.

 

//

 

She doesn’t see her until that Friday when Brittany invites everyone to dinner.

 

Angie thinks it’s probably because she’s upset that they denied her petition for adoption. She’s just thankful that the Berrys stepped in and offered to adopt Minnie instead.

 

Jess arrives in her scrubs and looks worn out as hell. She falls into a seat beside Angie who looks at her in concern. “Busy week,” she comments before taking a large gulp of the water in front of her. “Did you guys order yet?”

 

Angie shakes her head and she looks relieved. She can’t help but see that Jess is tired and subdued and Angie feels bad that she keeps encouraging her to take the two hour long round trip to Brooklyn to see them when she could be going home and resting.

 

“Do you have work tomorrow?” she whispers to her quietly, once the dessert menu has been passed around and no one wants anything. She already knows that she doesn’t, but she just wants to make sure. Jess shakes her head and sips her water. Angie leans in closer. “You’re coming home with me,” she tells her softly. “Okay?”

 

Jess nods and follows her home once they’ve said their goodbyes. Angie forces her onto the couch and makes her a cup of coffee just how she likes it. She turns on the TV and finds her comfiest sweatpants and t-shirt for Jess to change into. She gives her warm socks because her heating isn’t all that great and it’s almost November. She pulls a pillow in her lap and encourages Jess to rest against it as they watch crappy TV.

 

She carefully unravels Jess’ braids and runs her fingers through her hair. It’s soft and wavy and she curls it around her fingers until Jess gently drifts to sleep.

 

She shamelessly watches her instead of the TV and wakes her up an hour or so later with gentle kisses pressed to the top of her head. Jess hums and turns over to snuggle into her stomach for a minute before sleepily getting up and letting Angie guide her to the bedroom.

 

She falls asleep in the middle of the bed while Angie brushes her teeth.

 

It’s the easiest thing in the world to wrap herself around her.

 

Her bed doesn’t feel empty for the first time in days and it’s that which helps her sleep.

 

//

 

They see each other all the time and they make it all the way to the week before Thanksgiving before they actually talk about anything real. They’re bundled up in their coats sitting on the Coney Island Boardwalk when the worry of what happens next kind of overwhelms Angie.

 

“Are you going home next week?” she asks and Jess looks at her in confusion until she remembers what next week is.

 

She shakes her head after that. “I’m working,” she says. “Are you?”

 

Angie nods quickly. “I go every year,” she tells her carefully. Jess looks surprised. “The little ones would hate it if I didn’t come home.”

 

Jess quirks her head to the side curiously. “Little ones?”

 

Angie bites her lip and reaches into her pocket for her phone. She scrolls through her pictures until she finds the portrait that they now take every year, of the entire family huddled together in her mom’s living room. She shows it to Jess who gasps and smiles at what she sees.

 

“I’ve got two nieces and four nephews,” Angie tells her proudly. “Joe Jr.’s wife, Marie, is expecting our fifth boy this spring.”

 

Jess smiles and looks at the picture but there’s a little bit of sadness in her gaze. “That’s amazing,” she whispers. “I always knew you’d end up with a huge family.”

 

Angie sees the sadness and nudges their shoulders together. “What about you? How often do you see your dad?”

 

Jess shakes her head and that’s the only answer she gives. “He spends a lot of time in Florida now.”

 

Angie frowns. “With your mom?”

 

It’s the wrong thing to say because Jess looks away and her jaw tenses uncomfortably. She’s got her eyes closed when she turns back around. “My mom died,” she whispers. “Almost eight years ago.”

 

Angie’s mouth drops and while she knows that Jess and her mom never really got on, she still loved her. She was crazy and useless and a pain in the ass but Jess loved her because she was her mom.

 

“I’m sorry,” she whispers pointlessly and watches as Jess smiles and gets up. She wanders over to the beach and lies down on the cold sand. Angie watches her for a few moments, wondering if she should give her some space, before deciding she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t want to because it’s now that she realizes they’re just fooling themselves.

 

They’re fooling themselves and pretending and, really, Angie is still scared, scared, scared.

 

She lies beside her and stays silent. The sand is freezing against her back but she has her coat on so it’s okay. Jess sits with her hands shoved in her pockets and it’s like she knows something is about to happen. Angie feels terrified as she turns to watch her for a moment.

 

Jess knows she’s about to ruin it.

 

“We still don’t know anything about each other,” she points out eventually. Jess closes her eyes and Angie soldiers on. She feels sick as she stutters out a, “What are we even doing?”

 

Jess shakes her head in refusal and it makes Angie angry. She grits her jaw and sighs.

 

“We can’t pretend that none of the stuff that happened between us didn’t happen,” she points out in frustration. “We’ve never had any issues with the physical stuff but that’s not the point. We never _say_ anything to each other and I can’t do this if I still don’t know the things I need to know. I can’t do this anymore if I—”

 

She stops talking when Jess gets up and starts walking away. It shocks her and she quickly gets up to follow her only for Jess to turn around quickly a second later. They almost run into each other and Jess shrugs her shoulders protectively, burying her hands back in her pockets as she stares back down at the sand.

 

“What do you want to know?” she mumbles.

 

The questions rise up her throat like a volcano that’s been threatening to erupt for decades. Her eyes fill with tears and she shrugs like they’re obvious.

 

“Why did you leave without saying goodbye?” she says and hates how much it sounds like a whimper. “Why did you stop speaking to me?”

 

Jess shifts uncomfortably from foot to foot before shrugging mutely. It fills Angie with an overwhelming rage and she bites back a groan before curling her fists and moving closer. She’s worried, just for a second, that she might hit her.

 

“Why didn’t you just _tell_ me you wanted to end it?” she demands. “Why didn’t you tell me you didn’t want to go to Upenn? Why didn’t you tell me about Berkeley?! Why didn’t you tell me about _anything_?! We could have—”

 

She stops when Jess starts laughing and shakes her head. “What? Figured something out?” She laughs again and buries her head in her hands. “What would we have done while you were in Boston and I was in San Francisco? How would that have worked?” She shrugs her shoulders and her eyes are filled with tears. “I could barely cope with being in _Philadelphia_ while you were away. How was I supposed to cope being across goddamn the country from you?”

 

Angie furrows her brow in confusion and holds her hands out desperately. She doesn’t understand this. She doesn’t get it and she’s sure her expression says as much as she moves even closer. “Then why didn’t you apply to Wellesley? Why didn’t you apply to Harvard or Boston or—”

 

Jess smiles at her sadly. “I _did_ ,” she admits in a whisper and her jaw shakes with that telltale sign of tears as she stares back at her. “I applied to _all_ of them,” she shrugs like it’s nothing. “They didn’t want me.”

 

Angie’s face drops and she takes unsteady breaths as Jess stares sadly over her shoulder, trying not to cry. She shrugs and her face is hard when she looks at Angie again.

 

“I couldn’t even get into Upenn,” she admits softly and it’s like it all happened yesterday instead of ten years ago. The pain and disappointment are still there. “Berkeley was the only college that accepted me and I figured it was the world giving me a sign, you know?” Angie can hear her awkwardly tapping her teeth together to hide the fact that her jaw is quivering. “I’d always known you were too good for me anyway. I’d always known that I was way more invested in this than you.” She forces a grin. “I followed you around from day one and I couldn’t follow you around anymore. Not without being _really_ disappointing. And I figured that I couldn’t… I couldn’t just go there and _mope_ , you know? I had to move on…”

 

There’s a long silence in which Angie stares shocked and Jess tries not to cry. The silence stops when a broken sob erupts free from Jess’ chest. She stumbles back and it sounds old and dusty, like it’s been waiting a long time to be free.

 

“But I couldn’t say goodbye to you,” she admits wistfully, her hands plucking at her clothes like she doesn’t know what to do with them, her eyes staring dejectedly off into the distance. “So I left,” she whispers. “I figured you’d be okay in the end.”

 

Angie can’t speak and her hands shake as every preconception about their separation slowly becomes dismantled in front of her. Her breath shakes silently in her chest and with every continued silent moment where Angie doesn’t speak up, Jess’ face falls further and further into despair and rejection.

 

Her face is strong and sad when she finally looks directly at Angie and smiles. She wipes tears from her red cheeks and smothers them in the fabric of her coat before silently stepping up to Angie and pressing a lingering kiss on her cheek.

 

She doesn’t want to think it’s goodbye but, for them, it feels like one.

 

It’s confirmed when Jess looks at her and sighs.

 

“I _love_ you,” she whispers so miserably that Angie doesn’t know how to react.

 

She just watches as Jessica Waters leaves her again.

 

Except this time, it’s her fault.

 

//

 

Abe would call this avoidance but Angie wouldn’t know because she’s cancelled both of the appointments she made this week in favor of hiding out in her apartment and pretending the rest of the world doesn’t exist.

 

Brittany would call it being an absolute dumbass, except Angie hasn’t returned Brittany’s calls and deadlocked the door so that she can’t get in.

 

Her professors and advisors love it because she’s done more work this week than she has in months.

 

She’s glad she gets to go home. She packs all her stuff in a duffle bag and hails a cab to the train station. Her father meets her there like normal and Angie feels herself breathe properly for the first time in days when he presses a wet kiss to her forehead before taking her home.

 

Her mother strokes her hair and already has a plateful of meatballs on the table ready for her. It fills her with a longing she doesn’t quite understand and she eats silently as the rest of her family mill in and out around her. Her nieces and nephews all come in and hug her one by one. She loves the way that they tell her all about things in that cute animated way only a child can. She gives them all five dollars each for candy when no one’s looking and they all run away secretively when she holds a finger to her lips.

 

Her mother still glares at her with a knowing look.

 

They go for dinner at a local restaurant to spend time with their now much larger, extended family. There’s dozens of people here and Angie sits in the corner with a glass of scotch and wonders what it would be like if she didn’t have to come to these things alone.

 

She wonders what it would be like if Jess was here.

 

She’d probably make jokes about Angie’s creepy uncles and play with the little ones. She’d probably overtake Angie as Ruby Angela’s favorite person. She’d piss off her mom and make rude jokes with her dad and argue with her brothers about the Sixers. She’d probably barely spend any time with Angie at all but Angie would still somehow be unable to feel alone.

 

Her mom finds her, sitting in her old bedroom, the next morning, before everyone’s due to arrive. She’s wearing her apron over her best dress and Angie cuddles into her instinctively the minute that she sits down. Her mom kisses her hair and holds her hands and hums old songs to her that make Angie feel calmer.

 

“Jess lives in New York,” she says eventually.

 

Her mom sighs and holds her hand tighter. “How’s she doing?”

 

Angie worries her bottom lip. “She’s a doctor,” she whispers. “She works at a children’s hospital in the Bronx. She was Minnie’s doctor.” Her mom doesn’t say anything else and Angie wipes away tears that haven’t fallen yet. “She’s still really pretty.”

 

Her mother hums out a sound of interest and Angie pulls away. “She came here, didn’t she? A few years ago.”

 

Her mom nods. “She was looking for you. I told her you were in New York.”

 

Angie nods, inexplicably relieved. “Did you know she applied for Wellesley? And Harvard and Upenn?”

 

Her mother sits quietly for a long time. She toys with the strings of her apron and looks carefully out the window at the muted sounds of the street below.

 

“Angela, you’re my daughter,” she says eventually. “You’re my daughter. My youngest daughter, and you know how we used to worry about you… but I cared a lot about Jess, too. I loved her like my own and I hated that I got caught in the middle of you.”

 

Angie looks at her in confusion and waits silently.

 

“She _loved_ you, Angie,” her mother tells her plainly. “I knew it from the minute I met her. She was a little shit but she wasn’t a bad kid; she was just trying to impress you and take care of you and… doing what you wouldn’t let the rest of us do.” Her mother holds her hand and pats it carefully on her knee. “I never wanted to tell you this because I knew how hard it was for you to make your choice to go to Wellesley but you have to know now that it ruined her when you left. She was lost and broken and she tried so hard to work as hard as she could those last two years of high school but it was like she’d forgotten how to function. It was like she was grieving. She applied to so many schools, just to be close to you but she was struggling and, when she got those letters telling her she hadn’t gotten in anywhere but Berkeley, it was like she’d expected it all along.”

 

Angie falls back against the wall beside her mother and clutches her arms around herself.

 

“Looking back, I think that Berkeley was always an escape for her,” her mother continues sadly. “I think she always knew she wasn’t going to be able to follow you and it made it easier. After you came back that summer, she was sure that you were going to be okay. You were more confident and you’d seen more things and she just assumed that you’d get over her.”

 

Angie shakes her head, taking her hand back. “But—But I didn’t…”

 

Her mother fixes her with a look. “It wasn’t my place to tell her that,” she says. “And, honestly, I was sure you were going to get over her, too. You just upped and left when you realized she wasn’t here.”

 

Angie feels chastised by her mother’s words and she stares down at her hands as she thinks about the decisions she’s made. Her sadness reveals itself as a hiccup of tears and her mother covers Angie’s palms with one of her own as Angie feels sick with regret.

 

“I should have just gone to Upenn,” she whispers.

 

Her mother looks at her angrily. “I don’t ever want to hear that come out of your mouth again,” she spits as Angie looks at her forlornly. “You made a decision that was right for your future. You made a decision that was right for your safety. Jess made decisions that were right for her future and safety too and just because they didn’t match in the end doesn’t mean that you made the wrong ones.”

 

Angie looks at her with her mouth dropped and her bottom lip trembling. Despite her mother’s words, she can’t help but feel that she’s still done it all wrong.

 

“But I _loved_ her,” her breath catches. “I _loved_ her and I _left_ her.”

 

Her mother grabs her cheeks as tears wash down her face and she begins to gasp in panic. “You did what you had to do,” her mother reminds her desperately as she grasps at her chest and gasps for breath. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

 

Angie shakes her head in refusal. Her mother holds her until she falls asleep.

 

//

 

“That’s a lot,” Abe comments when she finally appears for her next session a week or so later.

 

Angie feels subdued and full of regret.

 

“Yeah,” she whispers. She doesn’t know what else to say.

 

Abe looks at her with concern and Angie looks up with quiet surprise when Abe moves onto the couch to sit beside her.

 

“Talk to me,” is all she asks and Angie feels the tears bubble over for about the millionth time this week. She shakes them away because she’s just really tired of this.

 

She looks up at Abe and shrugs her shoulders. “I don’t know what to do,” she mumbles. “I don’t know what I want or how I feel or what’s right. I feel _awful_ all the time and I don’t understand why. I spent years thinking that she’d left and she did… but not because she _wanted_ to. I spent all these years thinking that she’d hurt me on purpose. I’ve wasted so much time feeling angry and bitter and now I just feel… I just feel…”

 

Abe reaches for her hand. “What, Angie?”

 

“Like I’m not worth it,” she gasps and has to stop for a minute for yet another wave of ridiculous sobbing. “How can I look at her again and not see all the things she’s given up? How do I look at her without thinking about the fact that all of this is my fault?!”

 

“It’s not your fault,” Abe says and Angie shakes her head in refusal. Abe squeezes her hand. “It’s not your fault. It’s like your mom says: you made the decisions you needed to make to survive. Do you really think that you and Jess would have lasted if you’d stayed in Philadelphia?”

 

“I don’t know,” she says quickly.

 

Abe shakes her head knowingly. “Do you think you would have been _happy_?!”

 

“I _don’t_ know!” she repeats, louder. “How am I supposed to know when I just ran away?”

 

Abe sighs. “You didn’t run away.”

 

“I _did_ ,” Angie cries in frustration. “I ran away from the bullies and my parents and my siblings. I ran away from the people that didn’t understand me and I left behind the only person that did.”

 

“But in doing that you learned how to stop being afraid of the bullies,” Abe reminds her and she hates it because right now all she wants to do is wallow and this isn’t helping her do that. “You learned how to look after yourself. You learned to find ways to make your parents and your siblings understand you. You got all the things that you yearned for as a kid.”

 

Angie looks up and she knows her cheeks are bright red and her nose is stuffy.

 

“But I wanted _her_ more,” she whimpers.

 

Abe’s face falls. They sit for the rest of the session in silence.

 

//

 

Each morning, she wakes up and types out the same message but never sends it.

 

 _I miss your voice_ , it says.

 

It doesn’t feel like enough.

 

It feels empty and pointless and hollow. It doesn’t feel like it fully encapsulates the ache that Angie feels in her chest. It doesn’t represent her want and her need and her desperation. It doesn’t voice the things that Angie really wants to say.

 

It seems silly.

 

She tosses her phone off the side of the bed instead.

 

//

 

She goes to bi-monthly karaoke and can’t stop the disappointment when she gets inside and doesn’t see the blue eyes she longs for.

 

She doesn’t sing and she barely talks to her friends. They politely ignore her sadness and have fun around her. They let her wallow in her misery and don’t ask questions when she orders a rum and coke and doesn’t drink it.

 

They don’t stop her when she goes home way earlier than she usually does.

 

She goes to bed instead and clutches the pillow that holds the last of the scent Jess left behind.

 

 _This is it_ , she thinks. _It’s happening all over again_.

 

It feels like her life is on a loop, repeating itself every few years and reminding her that she’s nowhere near as strong as she thinks. Her hands press against the pillow and imagine that it’s Jess’ body beneath her fingers. She hates that just a handful more times was enough to reprogram and condition her body to need it. She hates that she hears her voice when she lets her brain go quiet.

 

She wishes she could stop.

 

//

 

“You should speak to her,” Brittany comments from her couch, watching her pack her bag to go home.

 

Angie shakes her head. “No.”

 

“But she’s—”

 

“No,” Angie says more strongly.

 

It surprises her when Brittany laughs mirthlessly and gets up. She viciously throws one of the hundreds of throw pillows at Angie’s head and enjoys the way that she lets out a squeak of pain.

 

“You’re a fucking idiot,” she says bitterly. Angie glares at her. “You’re a fucking idiot and I hate using that word but you are one. You got fucking lucky, Angela.” She throws another pillow and groans in frustration. “You quite easily could have just ended up as one of those fools who mopes about their high school sweetheart for the rest of their life when that person couldn’t even give two shits about them. You could have been one of those pathetic creatures who refuses to find love because their heart belongs to someone who doesn’t even care.” She throws the next pillow to the floor. “She _loves_ you, Angela. She fucking loves you. She loved you for ten years while you were apart and she still loves you now.”

 

Angie shrugs her shoulders. “I don’t understand your point.”

 

Brittany holds her hands out and steps towards her and for a minute Angie’s sure she might strangle her.

 

“My point is that don’t you see how fucking amazing that is?!” she spits in annoyance. “She loves you! She loves you enough that she tried letting you go for ten years and still couldn’t stop loving you! You left her and broke her but she _still loves you_ and _wants_ you.” Brittany throws one more cushion before slumping back down on the couch. “You could probably set her on fire and she’d _still_ love you.”

 

Angie keeps packing things into her bag and shakes her head. “Then she’s the idiot,” she comments and Brittany doesn’t say anything.

 

Instead, she gets up, grabs her jacket and heads for the front door, but not before turning around and glaring at her.

 

“I know that you’re scared,” Brittany says softly. “I know that you struggle with this stuff. I know that you don’t have the words or the capabilities sometimes to do and say the things that people do when they feel something. I know that a very large part of you is terrified that if you show someone how you feel then they’ll use it against you and hurt you and make you feel small. I know that you don’t say the things you feel because they scare you much more than anyone else could, but sometimes you have to woman the fuck up and get over it.”

 

Angie’s face falls and she stares at a spot on the wall to the side of Brittany’s head.

 

“You have to realize that Jess is a human being who loves you and is hurting right now,” Brittany reminds her. “She’s hurting because of _you_. And maybe you think that hurt is better for her in the long run because maybe you don’t think you’re capable of making it better, but how about you actually be the brave that you’re so desperate to be and love her back anyway.”

 

The entire apartment rattles as Brittany slams the door.

 

The words stick with her all the way back home to Philadelphia.

 

//

 

Her dad meets her from the station like normal and kisses her on the forehead wordlessly. He watches her carefully and she gives him a half-smile when he asks if she’s okay. She can tell he doesn’t believe her.

 

Her mom’s made soup when she gets back home. The house is quiet and it’s strange after so many years of coming home to screaming. Her mom explains that there’s a kids Christmas party at the community center and Santa’s going to be there. She explains that it’s just going to be them, her grandparents, Julia, Pete and the kids tomorrow because the other boys are visiting their in-laws.

 

It makes her just a little disappointed.

 

She helps her mom make dinner and doesn’t really say much as her mom carries on talking and gossiping about everyone in the neighborhood. One of her closest friends apparently left her husband and Mrs. Janetti’s son, Ralph, got arrested for growing pot. It makes her smile because it mindlessly stops her from thinking about anything else.

 

She goes last-minute Christmas shopping with Julia the next day and doesn’t buy anything but listens as her sister complains about how useless her husband is in one breath before bragging about him in the next. They stop for warm pretzels and hot chocolate and Angie just listens and tries not to wish she was somewhere else.

 

She takes the little ones to church on Christmas Eve like normal before heading back there later that night with her ma and Nonna. Her dad drives them because it’s icy out and she kisses his cheek wordlessly when he tells them to be safe. When he gives her that same worried look he used to when she was a kid, it scares her.

 

She sings carols and listens to Father Eaton talk about peace and giving. She gets lost in the smell of old wood and burning candles and thinks back to being a kid and hating it. It comforts her now and she wishes she could have appreciated how much she’d miss it back then. Her cheeks are pink and she wears her glasses because she knows that her eyes would just hurt otherwise. Her mother grips at her hand as she prays and she shakes hands to greet all the people she’s known all her life.

 

Her dad’s waiting in the car when they step outside, shivering in his old worn out coat. It makes Angie glad that she decided to buy him a new one for Christmas alongside the book and bottle of scotch he normally gets. Her mom kisses him tenderly on the cheek when she gets in the passenger seat and it gives Angie a pang of longing as she helps Nonna get in the back.

 

She falls asleep the minute she hits the pillow and wakes up only when she hears the familiar screaming of Ruby Angela downstairs. She comes bounding into her room a moment later and Angie smiles properly for the first time in days. Her brother follows in after her, his little legs struggling to climb onto the bed to greet her. Angie loves it as they garble about how Santa came and they have so many presents.

 

Their happiness makes her happy. They keep her occupied all day and she gives them as many kisses as she can, just because she loves watching them smile. She loves watching their excitement and their innocence and could live forever off of that. She loves their child-like obliviousness. For them, there’s no greater happiness than today.

 

Dinner is louder than she expects considering only half of them are here and her dad holds her hand tightly as they say grace over dinner. She stuffs herself full of food and lets Julia sneak her more than one Irish coffee afterwards. She sits lazily in her father’s armchair and only gets up when he asks her to move. He pulls her protectively back into his lap when she tries to leave.

 

She can feel that worry radiating off of him again and after a while it becomes too much. She finds the bottle of cheap whisky he keeps in the kitchen and pours herself a large glass before returning to the living room to play monopoly.

 

No one wins and they all head to bed early.

 

It feels wrong to sleep in the spare room but she doesn’t move. She grabs a legal pad and pen from her bag instead and tries to note down all the things she has left to do to finish her degree. She lists all the things she thinks she’d like to do once she has it. She tries to make a solid life plan.

 

In the end, when all she has left to list is the things she doesn’t have the energy to say, she gets up and heads downstairs to make some coffee.

 

She doesn’t understand when this house got so stuffy again. She doesn’t understand why it makes her feel like she’s choking again all of a sudden. She hasn’t felt this way in years and she breaks out onto the back steps before she falls into a panic attack.

 

The cold makes her glad she managed to remember to bring her coat with her. She sits down on the welcome mat on the top step and wraps her arm around herself. She closes her eyes and rests her forehead against her knees.

 

She hasn’t felt so out of sorts in such a long, long time.

 

Somehow, she knows exactly who it is when the door opens and a cup of coffee is put beside her. It smells strong and comforting and when her dad sits down on the step beside her, she doesn’t have to look to know it’s him. Her mother makes coffee too milky and too sweet.

 

Her dad always used to say it was the Irish in her.

 

“It’s early,” her dad comments. She nods her head and reaches for the cup beside her. Her dad leans back and looks at the sky. “It’s gonna snow.”

 

It makes Angie smile. “You always say that.”

 

Her dad shrugs a shoulder. “Maybe one day I’ll be right.”

 

Angie keeps smiling and rests her elbow on her knee. When she turns to look at her father, he wears that same look of worry on his face. It makes her think of hospital rooms and principal’s offices. It makes her think of the way that her mom used to send him to come get her from the batting cages when she was letting off steam.

 

“I hate it when you look at me like that,” she mutters.

 

Her dad doesn’t seem surprised at her words. He just smiles and chuckles low and gruffly in the early morning cold. It drives Angie crazy and she gently scratches her chin before shrugging at him.

 

“What’s the problem?”

 

They look at each other and, for the first time, Angie sees more than just the worry on his face. She sees the discomfort and the anxiousness. She sees the silent fear that she once witnessed in her mother’s voice when she told her the truth about her childhood. She wonders if her father knows it now too.

 

“You terrify me, Angela,” he says and she doesn’t understand why he sounds _mad_ of all things. He’s talking to her like he once talked to the fourteen year old who refused to do her homework because it was stupid. “You terrify me because I don’t know how to take care of you. I never have. Your mom always had some idea how to do it but I’ve never known how to. You used to scream when I held you as a baby and you don’t say anything. You _never_ say anything.”

 

Angie smirks sadly at that. “I get that a lot.”

 

Her father laughs alongside her and when she glances at him, her breath stops when she sees that he has tears in his eyes.

 

“But don’t you realize how much stuff could have been prevented if you’d _just_ said something?” he says angrily. “Don’t you realize how different your life could have been if you’d just _said_ something?” When Angie stays quiet he shakes his head. “I used to say to your mother that maybe we needed to get you help. Maybe there was something wrong with you. You think I never saw most of it, but I saw more than you think. I used to see those kids who would tease you and see how you didn’t react. It was like you were impervious to everything. Nothing fazed you. Nothing hurt you. Nothing made you sad or angry or upset. Nobody knew how to look after you but you didn’t want anyone to look after you anyway. Nobody except Jess.”

 

Angie sets her cup aside and wraps her arms around herself.

 

“You know,” her dad says. “She used to tell me things about you. Things you wouldn’t tell me about yourself. She used to tell me the books that you liked reading to her and the songs that you used to sing. She used to help me in the workshop when she was waiting for you to finish doing something and all she spoke about was you.” He shakes his head. “I think she loved you before she even knew it. And she loved us too. She loved being here. She loved being away from her crazy ass mother and her disappointing dad. We loved _her_ , Angie. We loved her because she finally introduced us to you.”

 

Angie feels her eyes burn and she’s glad she’s wearing glasses. She quietly wipes at her cheeks and her dad just keeps talking to her as he sips his coffee.

 

“Your mom never really saw it,” he ponders softly. “She was always too busy yelling at Jess for spending half her time showing off. But I saw it, the way she used to look to you before she’d do anything. She was forever seeking your approval and I’ve never been more mad at you that day when you told us you were going to Wellesley and to not tell Jess because she laid her cards out bare to you the minute she got here. But you were so scared and I hated it. I hated that my daughter was scared because I wanted her to be brave and furious. I hated that I knew Wellesley was going to be the best thing for you and the worst thing for her.”

 

“Pop…” she whispers when it’s clear he’s not going to stop.

 

He doesn’t. “You know, she was still here that day we drove you up there?” he tells her instead of giving her a little bit of mercy. “She was sat on the edge of that bottom bunk with tears streaming down her face and she looked lost. Your ma was with her friends and her big blue eyes looked up at me and she wanted to know if she was still allowed to sleep here if she wanted. She wanted to know if she still had a home but it wasn’t her home without you here so she left,” he tells her. “You, that goddamn bed and that top bunk were her home, Angela.”

 

Angie shakes her head at him and he sighs in disappointment. “I’m not saying this to make you feel bad,” he mumbles and he reaches to grab her knee. “I’m saying it because I don’t think you know. You walk around living your own life and you miss these things. But do you know what she told me once?” he asks and Angie shakes her head. “She came back here one day after years and she found me in the workshop and she gave me a big hug. She told me about how she was learning to be a doctor and that she lived in Chicago. She asked me all these things about you and when I told her she was just so quiet. And when I asked her if she was happy, if being a doctor was what she wanted, she looked so lost and sad and said she wasn’t sure. So I asked her what she really wanted from life and do you know what she said? She said all she’d really wanted to be for as long as she could remember was a Giardino.”

 

It softens Angie completely and she looks at her father desperately as he stares back with that wise, knowing face. He grips her hand and she tries to fight the tears, tries to fight the need to collapse in his arms. He must know because he shakes his head at her resolutely and squeezes her hand tighter.

 

“But you don’t say anything,” he reminds her sadly. “You get scared and you don’t say anything. So, maybe, all she’s ever really needed is for you to tell her that she already is one.”

 

She grabs at him desperately but he shakes his head. He reaches for her shoulders and shakes her, shakes her firmly until she looks at him.

 

“You can be brave,” he tells her and when she starts shaking her head, he laughs and cups her cheek. “C’mon,” he reminds her. “You’re already the bravest kid I know.”

 

//

 

She packs her bags in silence twenty minutes later and her dad drives her to the station in his new coat and pajamas. He hands her the legal pad he finds on her bed and gives it to her, shakes it at her like it’s obvious what she needs to do and carries her bags to the car.

 

She’s glad for his encouraging words as they wait for her train, lets him read over her shoulder as he keeps an eye on the notices above them. He kisses her gently on the cheek when she’s called to board and mumbles in her ear how proud he is before she has to run to make it in time.

 

The train journey feels slow. Her glasses slip down her nose as she scribbles and scratches at words on the legal pad resting on her knees. She feels lucky that the train is empty because she’s a mess and she swears to herself a lot. There’s a pile of rejected words tossed on the chair beside her and she shoves them all in her bag when she reaches Penn Station.

 

She feels glad that she had the forethought to put the business card in her wallet for safekeeping, tucked safely behind the picture she returned there weeks ago. She holds it in her hand as she asks the subway lady to help her figure out a route. She looks at Angie like she’s crazy and points her in the right direction.

 

It takes her forty minutes to get there and she manages to sneak through the door as someone exits. She runs all the way up the stairs to apartment 4b and knocks impatiently on the door for twenty minutes before remembering that she might be at work.

 

She turns to run back down the stairs and make her way to the hospital but stops when she finds her standing on the top step instead. She has no idea how long she’s been standing there but she doesn’t care.

 

“Hi,” she says in relief and just the sight of her has her scared.

 

Jess steps towards her, backpack hanging off her elbow and keys in her hands. “Hi,” she says in confusion. “I thought you were in Philadelphia.”

 

Angie shuffles back as she steps closer. She presses her hand to her pocket to make sure her paper is still there but mostly she just gets stuck looking at Jess after four weeks without her.

 

“I missed you,” she whispers as Jess just keeps watching her curiously. She remembers then that she was asked a question. “I was in Philadelphia but—but then I missed you.”

 

Jess smiles and shakes her head sadly. “Okay,” she nods. “Thanks for telling me.”

 

Her cold response makes Angie scared and it’s in that moment that she realizes that, no matter what, there’s always going to be something that’ll make sure she always will be. If it’s not this—it it’s not _her_ —then it’ll be something else.

 

The words come spouting out of her when Jess turns around and starts trying to unlock her door.

 

“I always miss you,” she admits softly but Jess still doesn’t turn around. “I’ve always missed you. It’s like it’s my perpetual state of being. When I’m not with you, I miss you. Sometimes I miss you when you’re standing right next to me.” She shrugs her shoulders just because and takes a slow look at the woman in front of her. “I miss you right now.”

 

Jess turns to her slightly and nods before trying to open her door again. It drives Angie crazy.

 

“Just stop,” she says and she doesn’t care if she’s practically begging. She reaches to tug on Jess’ wrist and turns her to her. “I’m trying to do something right now that I’ve always been too terrified to do and I can’t do it if you’re not—I can’t do it if I’m scared and I’m never scared when you look at me so—”

 

Jess turns to her softly and Angie just wants to be held by her.

 

“People keep telling me that I don’t say anything,” she says timidly, wringing her hands together. “And I’ve thought really hard about it and I can’t stop thinking about all the things I wished I’d said to you over the years. I can’t stop thinking about what might have happened if I’d just been honest.”

 

She reaches into her pocket and Jess watches as she slowly unfolds the sheet of yellow legal pad. Her eyes narrow curiously and Angie looks down at the paper that shakes nervously in her hand.

 

“I wrote it down,” she says with a catch in her throat that she wishes wasn’t there. “There was a lot I realized I wanted to say and I was worried I wouldn’t remember it otherwise, so I wrote it down.”

 

When Jess just stares at her, she figures she has nothing left to lose. She anxiously pushes the glasses up her nose and swallows thickly.

 

“You’re my favorite person in the world,” she starts softly. “You’re my favorite person in the entire world and for the past ten years, all I’ve done is miss the sound of your voice and the warmth of your body. They make me feel safe, even when I’m scared.” She reaches up to play with the buttons of her shirt as she keeps reading. “There hasn’t been a day gone by in the past ten years where I haven’t longed for you. I still keep a picture of you in my wallet and hide one of your t-shirts down the edge of my mattress. My friends tell me that I mumble your name in my sleep.”

 

She glances up at Jess and finds her mouth parted open in surprise as she leans back against the wooden door of her apartment.

 

“When you left, it felt like you’d taken a part of me with you,” Angie whispers breathlessly but soldiers on anyway. “I walked around for years trying to find it, to replace it, to forget about it, but I didn’t feel right again until that night you knocked on my bedroom door and asked if you could sleep in my bed just once.” Her jaw quivers as she glances at the next part. “I should have told you then, that you never have to ask. I always sleep better when I’m with you.”

 

When she hears a soft noise, she glances up to find Jess grasping at her chest with that telltale shake in her jaw. She shakes her head and goes on regardless of the need to bundle Jess into her arms.

 

“I’ve traveled the world and in every place I’ve been, I wanted you with me,” she tells her softly. “In every one, I wrote you a postcard and signed it with—with _I wish you were here_.”

 

Tears roll down her own cheeks and she wipes them away fruitlessly as they just get replaced with more. “I know that you believe that going to California without telling me was the right thing to do, but it wasn’t. I know you believed that I’d be able to easily get over you, but I haven’t. I’ve been kissed by many women and have been touched by more than I should have, but they don’t feel like you. I’ve tried to love some of them, but they’re not you. When you left, I did a lot of things I wasn’t proud of, but I did them because I couldn’t cope with missing you.”

 

As Jess begins sobbing, it spurs her on. She doesn’t understand why but it also fills her with panic too.

 

“You scare the hell out of me,” she whispers honestly. “You make me feel weak and strong at the same time. You have the complete power to ruin me if you wanted to. Your heart is in my hands. And if you’d have talked to me before and told me about Berkeley, told me that you were scared too, I would have told you that it doesn’t matter. Before I’d searched the world for meaning, I knew that there was no other human being on this planet who could mean as much as you. I’d have convinced you, that we were worth a try.”

 

She steps back when Jess tries to reach for her and shakes her head desperately. She’s glad when Jess holds her hands up in submission and listens instead.

 

“And if I couldn’t have convinced you, I’d have spent the rest of my life laid beside you on the top bunk instead,” she reads through her tears. “If I knew then, the things I know now, I would have never let you go. I’d have never of let myself become as scared as I am. I left you because I wanted to learn to be able to look after myself, and maybe I can but sometimes I feel like I’m falling apart at the seams instead.”

 

When Jess grabs at the collar of her coat and pulls her close, Angie looks at her with sad eyes and shakes her head. Her shoulders shrug and she holds the piece of paper uselessly at her side.

 

“You own me,” she whispers brokenly. “You own me. You’ve owned me since I was five years old and desperate to hold your hand. You’ve owned me since I was six and wanted to kiss you. You’ve owned me since the minute I fell in love with you.”

 

She clears her throat and stares into crystal clear blue eyes that stare back in wonder. Her hand reaches for Jess’ cheek and she thumbs away the tears that she finds there.

 

“You _own_ me,” she whispers one more time, glad when Jess presses their noses together. She sucks back a sob of tears and looks at her desperately. “I don’t want to leave each other anymore.”

 

Jess curls her hands into Angie’s hair until it’s bundled at the back of her neck. She shakes her head in agreement and when her thumb sweeps familiarly over the scar on her hairline, Angie feels herself completely fall apart.

 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Jess mumbles and when their lips touch, it feels like coming home.

 

 

 


	4. Maybe

 She has no idea how long they kiss for. Time could stop turning for the little that she cares about it. Her body feels soaked in the calm familiarity of Jess’ touch and she clutches tightly at her face to keep her as close as possible. She just about notices the tears that still crawl down their cheeks.

 

“I love you,” Jess gasps as she desperately pulls back for breath. Her thumb sweeps down Angie’s hairline until she can cup her cheek. “I love you, okay?” Angie nods and their noses squash together. “I love you.”

 

She pushes her against the door instinctively and Jess breathes an unsteady sigh of relief when Angie presses against her completely. Her touch is soft but reassuring. Her hands flutter down Jess’ cheeks to her neck before diverting quickly to wrap around her back to pull her closer.

 

“I missed you,” Angie reminds her between kisses and Jess nods in agreement, kissing her steadily until Angie has to stop because she thinks she might black out. It doesn’t stop Jess from kissing all over her face as Angie takes a tight grip on the back of her scrub top. “Merry Christmas,” she mutters uselessly.

 

It makes Jess burst out laughing. She presses their noses together and bites her bottom lip. “Merry Christmas.”

 

Her smile makes Angie grin and she doesn’t think that Jess will ever be close enough. She wraps her arms more securely around Jess’ waist to bring her nearer and discovers what she’s needed all along when Jess circles her arms around her neck. Her body softens completely against Angie’s, sinking into her as Angie smiles and pushes them harder against the door to take the weight.

 

“I missed you, too,” Jess mumbles into her neck and it’s more than enough. It’s more than she imagined for this morning. They stay like that for a long time until Jess pushes at her shoulders and supports herself more securely. She gives Angie one more lingering kiss before her foot kicks something at their feet.

 

“Why do you have bags?” she asks. “Did you come here straight from the train?”

 

Angie nods and enjoys the pleased little smirk that Jess gives her. She kisses Angie on the nose before urging her back and looking down at the mess they’ve made at their feet.

 

“Um, do you wanna come in?” Jess asks as they pick everything up. She stumbles a little when Angie presses up against her back and nods into her hair. “It’s probably a mess and I don’t have any coffee but you’re… you’re more than…”

 

She trails off and falters when Angie presses a kiss to the nape of her neck. Angie shakes off her words and hums in appreciation when she somehow manages to _finally_ get the door open. Jess wordlessly tugs her inside and Angie follows only to be pressed up against the door the minute it’s closed. Jess presses up against her, clutches at her waist and Angie waits for a kiss that never comes. She opens her eyes to find Jess staring at her instead.

 

“You love me,” she whispers and Angie watches her carefully for a minute before realizing it’s not a question but a realization. Jess cups her cheek and strokes her face and her brow furrows curiously as she eyes Angie carefully. “You _love_ me.”

 

Angie smiles because she’ll cry if she doesn’t.

 

“You say that like it’s not the easiest thing in the world,” she whispers in response and Jess shakes her head.

 

“I’ve been waiting for you to love me for a really long time,” she explains carefully. Her thumb sweeps over Angie’s cheek like a balm. “Or, at least… I’ve been waiting to understand _how_ you love me. I don’t know.”

 

Angie turns her head and kisses her palm. Her eyes flutter when Jess lets her fingers drift beneath the collar of her shirt and press against her neck.

 

“I’ll remind you everyday if I have to,” she mutters feeling instantly relaxed by Jess’ touch. “Can we go to sleep?” she asks. “Can I sleep here?”

 

Jess nods and leans in to kiss her forehead before pulling her away from the door. She leads her through a messy apartment full of boxes and flat packed furniture stacked against the walls. She has no pictures frames or art. Her walls are painted beige. Her sink is full of coffee cups and cereal bowls and it makes Angie sad.

 

“How long have you lived here?” she asks as Jess tugs her into her bedroom.

 

The bed is pressed against the wall and she has deep red sheets that look warm and soft. Angie falls down to sit on the edge of her comfy mattress and watches as Jess closes the door and kicks off her chucks.

 

“Don’t even start,” she grumbles playfully. “None of us are interior geniuses like you are. If I could have found a cheap, fully-furnished place, I would have.”

 

It makes Angie giggle and something flutters in her chest when Jess kneels down to take her boots off for her. She carefully removes her coat and tosses it aside as Jess pulls her to her feet. She steps in close and Angie watches as she reaches to unfasten the buttons of the overalls she wears.

 

“Is this your idea of casual travel clothing,” Jess asks playfully. Angie quirks her brow as Jess pushes the straps over her shoulders and starts tugging them down her body. “You look like a fucking runway model.”

 

It makes Angie laugh and she steps out of them easily when they’re on the floor. She kicks them in the same direction as her coat before reaching for Jess’ scrub top as she pushes down the bottoms. It leaves her in a comfy, cotton raglan and some thermal underwear and Angie tugs her closer to the bed until they fall atop the sheets.

 

There’s some wriggling to get under the covers until Angie feels something soft and plushy against her fingers.

 

She’s not sure what she expected to find but her heart hurts when she sees what it is.

 

Jess looks down embarrassed but Angie runs her fingers over the toy’s worn ears and threadbare paws. Angie’s sure he was a much lighter shade of beige and brown when she bought him all those years ago, but now he’s dark and worn.

 

“You kept him,” she comments as Jess hovers over her.

 

Blue eyes are sad and relieved at the same time. She takes the toy from Angie’s hands and reverently tucks him into the corner next to her pillows. She shrugs when she finally looks down at Angie and gives her a careful smile. “I didn’t have anything else.”

 

The urge to hold back what she wants to say is such an ingrained habit. She reaches for Jess’s cheeks and brings her down until their foreheads rest together.

 

“Now you have everything,” she whispers when Jess frowns in happy confusion. She rolls her until she can press Jess against the wall and curl up against her chest. “You can have everything.”

 

//

 

She wakes up to the view of Jessica Waters in nothing but her mismatched bra and underwear and it makes her smile. The raglan she wore when they fell asleep is on the pillow beside her and Angie understands why when she feels how sleep warm Jess’ skin is.

 

She shamelessly runs her fingers down Jess’ spine and under the straps of her bra, pushes them teasingly down her shoulders. She loves the way that Jess groans in appreciation before rolling onto her back. She stretches long and lithe like a cat and Angie kisses down the arch of her neck just because she can.

 

“I like you like this,” Jess whispers when she turns over again to throw a leg over Angie’s hip and cuddle into her.

 

Angie chuckles against her cheek and reaches up to unravel the braids that they forgot earlier. “Like what?”

 

Jess nuzzles into the scratches against her scalp and moans happily into the space between Angie’s neck and the pillow. “Tactile,” she comments. “You’re making it very hard for me to take all this slow like I wanted to.”

 

Angie strokes down her back and plays with the clasp of her bra before letting go. “How slow?” she teases and earns herself a groan. She giggles in response and gently kisses Jess’ cheek. “I love you.”

 

Jess reaches her hand up the back of Angie’s shirt and sighs.

 

“Again,” she requests softly.

 

Angie nuzzles into her ear, tracing it with her nose before kissing the lobe.

 

“I’m in love with you,” she whispers softly. Jess practically swoons against her and Angie wonders if she’ll ever stop smiling. “I’m so very, _very_ in love with you.”

 

Jess pulls back and Angie doesn’t stop looking at her as she explores her features again.

 

“Keep saying it,” she whispers when all she finds is truth.

 

Angie kisses her lips quickly and nuzzles her nose into Jess’ cheek. “Will I get to hear it back?”

 

Nails trace up her spine as arms hold tightly around her and she squirms at the sudden tickling sensation she feels when Jess quickly strokes the base of her back.

 

“I’m madly in love with you,” Jess says quickly, kissing her nose and then her warm, warm cheeks. Her hands tangle in the fabric of Angie’s shirt and Angie stops wriggling when a nose buries into her ear. “Now say it again.”

 

She spends the rest of the late afternoon kissing her between declarations. Jess touches her playfully in spots no one else has found since she last explored them. She kisses her in ways that other people have never known how to.

 

She happily dozes back off to sleep a few hours later, her shirt undone and their skin touching. Their foreheads press together and it feels like with every sleepy breath Angie takes in, Jess lets one out.

 

//

 

When she wakes up the next time, it’s to the feel of a warm gaze watching her and gentle fingers in her hair.

 

“Sorry,” Jess whispers and Angie guesses that she heard the change in her breathing because her eyes are still closed. Warm lips press to her forehead and a content sigh flutters from her at the feel of it. “Are you hungry?”

 

Her body snuggles closer of its own accord. Jess opens her arms so that she’s free to make herself as comfortable as possible and pulls the blankets up higher around her neck when she’s done.

 

“Can we get pizza?” she mumbles into the skin of Jess’ neck, even as she can feel herself drifting swiftly back into unconsciousness. “Or maybe chicken.”

 

Jess’ hand rests beneath her collar, her fingertips resting against her neck where her pulse beats wildly underneath. It stays there and Angie loves that she needs the reassurance of it. She loves that she does it without even noticing.

 

“We can get whatever you want,” she whispers against Angie’s cheek. “We don’t even have to move. Pretty sure my computer is around here somewhere. We could just find a menu online.”

 

“You’re so lazy,” Angie comments and it earns her a line of kisses from her forehead to her nose until she tilts her head up and waits for a proper kiss. Jess gives it to her happily and giggles against her sleepy lips. Her eyes open slowly and, when she looks up, Jess is grinning at her unabashedly. She kisses her again and when she pulls away, Angie narrows her eyes playfully. “You’re still lazy.” She mumbles before she leans up on an elbow to survey the room. “This room is a _mess_. How long have you lived here?”

 

Jess snorts. “Like two and a half years? I don’t know.”

 

Angie shoots her a look and shakes her head in disappointment that only makes Jess laugh harder and reach up to play with her hair. “You’re adorable.”

 

It earns her a roll of Angie’s eyes and she looks around the room again before catching sight of Jess’ scrubs. “Do you have to work later?”

 

Jess plays with the St. Christopher medal around Angie’s neck that she only wears when she goes home. She tugs on it playfully until Angie looks at her before shaking her head coyly. It makes Angie flush and she leans down helplessly to kiss her, missing her mouth completely and landing on her chin. It does little to discourage her and she lets her kisses linger further south, over Jess’ jaw to her throat.

 

“D’you wanna go out?” Jess struggles to mumble when Angie’s fingers push the strap of her bra down again and press a kiss there. It makes Angie stop and she looks up at Jess with a smirk.

 

She puts the bra strap back in place and lets her hand rest over Jess’ heart instead. “You’re serious about this slow thing?”

 

Her fingers trace patterns over the tops of Jess’ breasts and when she glances up, Jess’ eyes are closed in concentration.

 

“Ask me again, later,” she whispers. “After we’ve had food.”

 

//

 

Jess forces her to get dressed and then bundles her back into her coat. She grabs the bag Angie dropped on her floor and opens it up before putting some of her own things inside of it. She packs some clean underwear and a phone charger. She debates shoving her laptop in there but stops and tosses it on the bed. She finally decides on throwing her Sixers jersey in there instead.

 

She drags her back down to the subway after grabbing her backpack and holds Angie’s hand all the way back down to Brooklyn. Angie jokingly asks her if she’s trying to get rid of her but Jess just squeezes the hand already in hers and kisses her quickly.

 

They take the D train all the way down to Coney Island and Angie laughs when Jess takes her to get hot dogs. They sit on a table in the freezing cold, feeding each other chili fries as they eat the ridiculously good hot dogs. They share a Dr. Pepper and it makes Angie swoon just a little bit when Jess keeps reaching over to pull the wool hat back over her ears.

 

“I missed you wearing your glasses,” Jess comments after she stares at Angie for a long time.

 

Angie playfully pushes them up her nose. “And here I was thinking you were staring at me cuz I’m pretty.”

 

She’s halfway to shoving more food in her mouth when Jess stops her and leans over the table to give her a kiss.

 

“You are,” she mumbles.

 

//

 

They’re both freezing cold by the time they get back to Angie’s apartment and Jess rolls her eyes when Angie instantly starts unpacking her bag the minute her coat is off. She takes the wad of rejected sheets of paper from Angie’s hand when she tries to toss them in the trash. She reads them all reverently instead, before folding them carefully and slipping them in her backpack.

 

She makes coffee as Angie heads to her bedroom to throw her dirty clothes in her hamper. She slips the unworn clothes back in her dresser and can’t stop herself from unpacking Jess’ things alongside her own. It feels like the right thing to do.

 

She glances around when Jess appears in the doorway. She looks nervous and skittish and her thumb points back towards the kitchen.

 

“Uh,” she whispers. “I put your phone on charge and it started ringing. It’s Mama… Uh. It’s your mom.”

 

Angie feels as excited as she does scared and she follows Jess back into the kitchen to find her phone buzzing along the counter. She shoots an anxious glance at Jess before she picks it up, still connected to the wall by the power cord. She has to bend over the counter to make it reach her ear.

 

“Hey Ma,” she says carefully. “I’m here. I’m okay. What’s up?”

 

Her mother is quiet for a long time.

 

“Your father told me what happened this morning,” she states and it’s in the crisp, clear accent that she usually uses to scare any male member of their family. She’s obviously pissed. “Are you okay?”

 

Angie shoots a look behind her as she rests her elbows on the counter. Jess’ anxious eyes watch her carefully from the entryway and she smiles before turning away.

 

“I’m doing really good, Ma,” she mutters gently. “So you can take your mad-at-dad voice off, now. I’m fine.”

 

Her mother is quiet again and Angie can hear the soft murmurs of her father beside her, probably being a wiseass.

 

“That’s good,” her mother says eventually and she keeps pausing like she wants to ask things but doesn’t know how. Angie kind of enjoys her struggle and smirks. “I tried calling you at home earlier. Did you just get in?”

 

“Jess and I went for hot dogs,” she states nonchalantly.

 

Angie’s sure her mother’s trying to project an air of calm and disinterest but it doesn’t work so well when she can hear her excitedly slapping her father across the line.

 

“You saw Jess today?”

 

Angie looks behind her and instantly gets stuck in Jess’ nervous blue gaze. She smiles at her happily and bites her lip.

 

“Yeah, she’s here,” she murmurs softly. “Do you want to speak to her?”

 

Jess’ face falls and Angie isn’t sure for a moment if it’s in excitement or fear. She watches, while her mother chatters down the phone, as Jess shuffles from foot to foot anxiously, before stepping closer. She reaches for the phone before Angie can even give it to her.

 

“Hi Mama G,” she whispers and Angie stands behind her with her hand on her back because now she gets it. She gets it. She understands Jess’ loss almost as greatly as she understands her own. These connections are what she’s longed for. They’re the things she missed.

 

Jess has tears in her eyes when she turns to her and she relaxes completely when Angie wraps her arms around her middle and nuzzles her chin into her neck. She clutches Angie’s hand and kisses her knuckles. She cradles Angie’s arms against her and Angie feels precious.

 

She feels like a gift.

 

“I’m good,” Jess says thickly, happily. “I’m really good actually. What’d you get for Christmas?”

 

If anyone else spent ninety minutes talking to her mother she’d be worried but she just holds Jess until her arms are numb. She smiles into her neck as she delivers the same sassy comments that she used to at thirteen years old. She absorbs every happy giggle until Jess hangs up the phone with a soft “night, Ma” that hangs in the air for many moments after.

 

“I love you,” Angie whispers when Jess turns around and sinks into her arms. “And she loves you, too.”

 

When Jess starts sobbing in her arms, Angie isn’t worried.

 

She understands the relief.

 

//

 

Her phone vibrates ridiculously early on her nightstand the next morning and she groans as Jess reaches over her and grabs it before it falls off the edge.

 

“What?” she groans without looking.

 

“I heard a rumor,” Brittany says.

 

Angie whimpers at being woken up so early. “It’s not even light out.”

 

“Yet, the hungry baby still whines,” Brittany reminds her. “Answer my question.”

 

“What question?” she groans into the pillow.

 

Brittany scoffs. “It’s unattractive when you’re so coy.”

 

She opens her mouth to argue but then the phone is grabbed from her ear and she turns over to see Jess slap it against the side of her head. Her eyes aren’t even open.

 

“Brittany, it’s six in the morning,” she husks as Angie throws a leg over her hip. “I would hit you if I could but I can’t. I don’t even have the energy to bitch you out like I would anyone else, so instead I’m going to say this: leave us alone.”

 

Angie can hear Brittany laughing from here. Jess shuts off the call before she can say anything and throws the phone back on the nightstand. She’s already snuggling back down to sleep when she opens one eye to look at Angie beside her.

 

“She’ll be here by lunchtime,” Angie informs her matter-of-factly.

 

Jess huffs and wraps an arm around her to pull her closer.

 

“I’m changing the locks.”

 

//

 

She doesn’t think that Jess means for it to happen.

 

One minute they’re waking each other up with lingering kisses and wandering, delicate touches and the next they’re like teenagers. One minute, they’re curled together with their noses squashed and their hands half-tangled and the next Angie’s flat on her back.

 

She kind of loves it because, for a while, it’s the kind of innocent but dirty make out they used to have growing up. Hands don’t roam as far as either of them really wants to and their kisses are wet and sloppy. Jess straddles her waist and all Angie can feel is liquid warmth against her and throughout her.

 

She never really thought that a pair of black panties and a Sixers jersey would be the most attractive thing to her but as she glances up at Jess, she’s ready to destroy both of them. Her hands slip down the back of the underwear to grip Jess’ ass and pull her closer. It makes Jess moan into her mouth and Angie pulls back just to look at her for a second, all blushed cheeks and blown pupils.

 

“I thought you wanted to go slow,” she pants, pulling on the hem of the jersey to keep Jess close.

 

Jess laughs and kisses her so deeply she’s sure she’ll feel it for days. Her hands clutch Angie’s cheeks as she pulls back. “I’ve waited ten fucking years to do this again,” she whispers. “I think we’ve gone slow enough.”

 

It still surprises her when Jess sits up on her thighs and pulls the jersey straight over her head. Angie’s eyes immediately fall to the place that once used to fascinate her as a teenager. She can’t help but notice how Jess has developed from that young girl she once knew. Her body is grown-up and mature. She has scars from things that Angie doesn’t know about yet.

 

It’s the discovery that makes her most excited and she manages to sit up and bury her head in Jess’ cleavage without really thinking about it. Her skin is soft, warm and supple. As her hands slip up to cradle her back, she doesn’t feel as boney and scrawny as Angie remembers. Her mouth explores silently, tongue and lips desperate to seek out the different tastes and sensations. Her mouth sucks a nipple and she tests the weight of her breasts in warm hands. Jess gathers curly hair at the back of Angie’s neck and holds steadfast.

 

The sounds she makes are deeper and throatier than Angie remembers. For a split second, she kind of wants Jess to never stop secretly smoking if it makes her sound like this. She wants a million things: to never leave this bed, to hear that sound every morning of her life until the rest of eternity. She wants to be able to forget every other body she’s ever touched that isn’t this one.

 

Her breath hitches from within her and she lets Jess tilt her chin and draw her back up into a kiss. Her hand tangles in soft blonde hair as the other grips at a strong shoulder and she whimpers into her, hoping it will say all the things she needs.

 

She goes with it when Jess forces her backwards, encouraging her into the mountain of pillows that they quickly redistribute across the room. Warm hands push at the button-down covering her body and force it impatiently upward. She reaches for the buttons herself but stops when Jess quickly shakes her head and pulls back to breathlessly do it for her.

 

Bright blue eyes still widen and darken at the sight of her. Her face softens, relaxes peacefully as she takes in the sight of Angie beneath her. Angie watches when she leans down to sweetly and carefully press her lips to the middle of Angie’s chest. Her mouth is delicate and reverent, slow and gentle. Her tongue greedily tastes sensitive nipples and her fingers retrace the outlines of curves long-since filled out. She takes the hands that desperately start to grab at her when her kisses rove up Angie’s neck and pins them against the mattress on either side of Angie’s head.

 

Angie tilts her chin back obediently and it’s almost like Jess knows what she wants when she reassuringly kisses there first. Angie shakes like a leaf and shudders when Jess traces her nose down the column of her throat. She’s seconds away from begging when she feels teeth bite down on her skin. She breaks free from the weak restraints against her wrists and holds Jess to her as she soothes the mark with her tongue.

 

Tears roll silently down her cheeks and when Jess finds them there, she moves closer in concern. Angie kisses her desperately, tries not to sob into her, and grips her face in relieved hands.

 

“You,” she says carefully shaking her head to reiterate her point. Jess steadies her, centers her and it makes it worse because this is what she’s been looking for. She presses their noses together. “ _You_ ,” she repeats. “and no one else.”

 

//

 

They somehow remove Angie’s shirt and end up a pile of tangled limbs in the middle of the bed. Mouths desperate and aching, they refuse to part from each other except to sound their impatience and approval.

 

Angie loves the feeling of Jess’ hands on her. She loves how they’re possessive and freeing at the same time, a perfect balance that still makes her feel like she’s coming off axis. She loves how Jess knows exactly where to hold her, where to touch her. She loves that Jess is still the only person who really knows what she wants and needs. She’s the only person who knows how to hold her near and far at the same time.

 

Jess forces her on her side and somehow manages to push Angie’s underwear off her body without her really noticing it. She looks at her in that same unsure way that she did the first time and it brings memories to Angie’s mind that she’d long thought she’d forgotten. She smiles against her forehead and tangles fingers in her hair, loves her quietly for a second until she realizes that Jess is shaking in her arms. Jess pushes her own underwear valiantly off her body and then looks at Angie with such naked tenderness that Angie feels herself ache.

 

She cups Jess’ damp face and swipes over the blush covering her cheekbones. She nuzzles into it and Angie presses their foreheads together as Jess wraps an arm around her body. She looks so overwhelmed and relieved that Angie just waits for her to make the first move. She quietly plays with her hair and strokes her cheeks, stares back into beautiful blue eyes as they watch her carefully.

 

“Sorry,” Jess whispers after a while.

 

Angie shakes her head and runs her hand from her cheek all the way down her neck before trailing it over her shoulders and all the way down her back. She smiles and kisses Jess’ nose, her cheek, her eyelids.

 

She kisses her forehead and then her mouth before sighing.

 

“I’m not going anywhere,” she whispers and, for the first time, she actually feels like she means it. She can’t think of anywhere else she’d go, anyone else she’d like to be with, anything different she wants to do with her life. She’s happy. She’s _happy_. Jess’ eyes widen like they realize the same thing and she sucks in an unsteady breath as she leans back in for another kiss.

 

And Angie was sure this moment would have a certain level of panicked desperation that she could feel building. She thought that Jess would make wild, passionate love to her, but it’s better than that. Her hand trails lazily between their bodies, blindly stroking parts of Angie that she memorized a long time ago. Angie shivers at the touch and breathes unsteadily when Jess strokes figures of eights between her hips. She shakes when strong hands move down to quietly stroke over her center.

 

She’s sure for a minute that she’s going to come, that it’s over before it’s even started. She gulps for breath, body shaking in warning as Jess’ fingers remind themselves of the feel of her. She whines dangerously and she’s sure that Jess can tell what she’s doing; she dips her finger quickly into her wet entrance and smears what she finds there over the rest of her.

 

“ _Oh my god_ ,” Angie pants because it was never this fast, not even the first time—except it isn’t. It’s just incredibly intense and she hears noises coming from her that she’s never heard before. She throws her leg over Jess’ hip and spreads herself lewdly wider. She’s glad when Jess moves from tight circles over her clit to pump two steady fingers deeply inside of her. She’s sure she loses all coherent ability to communicate at that moment and whines in a way she’s never felt able to with anyone else. Her body shudders with each tender touch of that spot inside of her.

 

“More,” she’s vaguely aware of herself whimpering, her muscles and body rippling languidly. Jess just keeps up a steady rhythm that builds not nearly as quickly as she wants. It already feels like hours that she’s been kept in that in-between place, desperate for release. Her nails grip harshly at Jess’ side and she’s glad when Jess shifts her onto her back to find more momentum. Angie wraps her legs around Jess’ waist and holds her close, mutters incoherent speech into her ear until there’s only one phrase left inside of her.

 

“I love you,” she whimpers as she can feel the release, ebbing so slowly throughout her body that she’s not even sure if it’s actually happening. “I love you,” she cries and her pelvis feels heavy, full of hot liquid heat as her body tightens around the perfect fingers inside of her.

 

The sensation is everywhere. Her useless mouth curls around the words that she loses the ability to say, her body jerking and shuddering with the pleasure. Her toes curl as her back arches and she’s glad for Jess slowly kissing her because otherwise she’d be scared she was never coming down.

 

“I love you too,” Jess mumbles against her chin and it’s the only encouragement Angie needs to force her onto her back and climb her way down her body. She kisses between beautiful breasts and down a soft, toned stomach. Jess groans when she flips her hair over her shoulder and lowers herself quickly to kiss between her hipbones and tease the creases of her thighs. Her body squirms for pleasure and Angie gives it to her messily as she moans loudly for more.

 

Heels dig into her back and she ignores them in favor of sucking expertly on Jess’ clit. She sucks and stops, sucks and stops until she’s sure that Jess is on the verge of blacking out. That’s when she dips her tongue devilishly inside of her and loves the way that Jess reaches for her in shock. She takes her hands and holds them sweetly, even as her mouth does things that aren’t.

 

She doesn’t argue when Jess quietly moans for her to come back and follows the weak insistence to return up her body. She cleans Angie’s face of the wetness she finds there before flipping her onto her back. She’s ready to protest that she isn’t done yet when Jess straddles her, grabs her hand and urges it between her legs. She obliges happily, too content with the way that Jess buries her face into her neck for comfort. It gives Angie the perfect opportunity to stare down the length of her body and take in how her hips and ass thrust and flex into long fingers.

 

(The residual heat left inside of her makes her twitch in warning.)

 

Jess is shamelessly and deliciously loud, moaning against her neck as Angie strokes and hits the places inside of her that she likes. They’re sharp and breathless. She sounds desperate and full. They’re not as raspy and low as she thought they would be. They’re light and melodic and Angie bites her shoulder because she can’t not when those sounds become too much. It does little to help—and only makes the sounds worse—but she doesn’t care when Jess bites below her jaw in warning.

 

“Look at me,” Angie pants when she can feel the surefire flutter inside of Jess that says she’s almost there. Jess does as she’s told, her blown pupils finding Angie’s, as her clit rubs against the heel of Angie’s hand. Her blonde hair is wild around their faces, matted to her forehead with sweat, and Angie grins because _this_ is happiness. This is pure and true happiness.

 

As Jess comes, Angie can’t look away. Her body stutters and stops. Her muscles clench and quiver. Jess’ mouth drifts open in relief as sounds leave her that make Angie ache deliciously. She can’t tear her eyes away from the contentment on Jess’ face that follows the release. Her muscles relax and she looks peaceful, happy. She looks _happy_ and Angie kisses her face in the hope that it’ll better help her remember it.

 

“You’re beautiful,” she whispers as Jess shivers and shakes, turning into a limbless mess above her.

 

She guides her steadily into her arms and loves the jolt of Jess’ body as Angie removes her fingers from inside of her. Jess mumbles intelligible nothingness into her skin as she quickly begins to drift off to sleep. Her frustrated struggle to communicate is one of the most adorable things Angie’s seen. She guides Jess’ face against her neck and pulls the covers over their bottoms halves. She rubs Jess’ back because she knows how she loves it and smiles when Jess instantly begins to settle against her.

 

“Tell me later,” she soothes and, within seconds, Jess is asleep.

 

It doesn’t take her long to follow after.

 

//

 

It’s late, and they’ve attempted valiantly to have sex on every inch of Angie’s apartment, when Angie’s phone rings.

 

They’re laid on the floor beside her bed and Jess is stretched out naked before her with her head resting on Angie’s stomach. Angie’s one hundred percent sure that she wouldn’t have noticed the phone ringing if it weren’t for the fact that she’s laying on it and it scares the crap out of her. She laughs as Jess tries to fish it out from underneath her and collapses into silly giggles when she almost drops it. Jess answers it because Angie’s in no state to and sighs as she slaps the phone to her ear.

 

“Hello, Brittany,” she says in annoyance. “What do you mean? Why am I still here? Am I not allowed to be here?” There’s a long moment of pause where Angie’s still too busy practically sobbing with laughter on the floor to care what’s going on. “Oh, no I have vacation days to take. I have the week off.” She can hear Brittany talking animatedly down the phone and Angie really only sees red when Jess smirks to herself. “Why do you need Angie to give you all the dirty gossip? I could probably tell you better.”

 

Angie starts grabbing for the phone and wrestles Jess for it as she debates with Brittany over who’s a better storyteller. She manages to get the phone off of her as she starts waxing lyrical about _extra long fingers_.

 

“I’m here,” she says breathlessly. “I’m here, I’m here, I’m here. Don’t listen to her. She’s sex drunk.”

 

“Sounds _awesome_ ,” Brittany chuckles. “I actually called to tell you that we’re going to karaoke tomorrow night. Because why the fuck not?” Angie listens to the sounds of her bashing around somewhere loudly. She’s probably trying to cook something. “Are you joining us?” she asks a moment later. “Or will you be in a sex coma by then?”

 

Angie considers that for a moment. “Hopefully,” she quips without thinking. “But probably not. Usual time?”

 

Brittany hums in amusement. “Of course.”

 

Jess pounces on her the minute she hangs up.

 

//

 

“I look like I’ve been ravaged,” Angie panics as she applies her make-up the next evening. Her neck and shoulders are covered in little red marks and she dreads to think what the rest of her looks like.

 

Jess gives her a sly, proud look. “You’re welcome,” she comments as she rifles through the bag of clothing they went all the way to the Bronx to collect earlier that day. “If I wear jeans will you take me to a dark corner and shove your hands down them?”

 

Angie snorts but still shakes her head. Jess pouts and sidles up behind her where she’s trying to apply cover-up to her neck. She pushes a wave of wayward curls aside and kisses over the bruises that litter there before Angie can get to them.

 

“Will you wear your glasses instead?”

 

The shyness of the request makes her knees a little weak and she’s glad she’s sitting down as she turns to kiss her lazily on the mouth. “You’ll have to make sure I don’t lose them,” she whispers as she pushes them up her nose.

 

Jess hums her agreement and urges her gently backwards.

 

//

 

They’re forty-five minutes late and Brittany grins at them knowingly as they greet the rest of the group.

 

There’s a bottle of champagne already popped on the table and Angie gives Brittany a look when she hands them both a glass.

 

“To patience,” she says loudly. “To love, to waiting… to following your heart.”

 

Jess kisses her cheek and Angie feels happy.

 

//

 

People scream for Jess when she returns to the stage to sing _No Diggity_ again with Angie’s support this time. They have a live house band to perform the karaoke music on Saturday nights and they play it low and slow enough that Jess’ voice sounds like liquid sex without her really having to try.

 

They sing some really bad songs together after that. Brittany ropes them into singing R. Kelly’s “ _She’s Got That Vibe”_ , performing a dance that they choreographed to it back in college. Jess attempts to dance along with them and laughs at herself when she can’t keep up. She does well but ends up lapsing into drunken giggles by the end of it.

 

Karaoke becomes Club Night at midnight on Sundays and they dance languidly together in the corner for an hour straight before they end up disappearing to the bathroom for the next. Brittany hands them both a drink when they reappear and grins at them knowingly. Angie rolls her eyes as Jess accepts the high five Brittany offers her but forces them back onto the dance floor when a slow song comes on.

 

They decide it’s too cold for _Nathan’s_ when they eventually leave and Angie loves being able to hold Jess’ hand as they walk the few blocks over to _Eli’s_. It’s that hour of the night where David the head chef is blasting out Spanish music, and they spend twenty minutes dancing with him on the monochrome tiled floor before they even get to sit down at their table.

 

They end up sharing a huge grilled cheese and a bowl of tomato soup while trying to avoid the ridiculous smile Rachel keeps giving them from across the table. David gives them a free dessert to share (“for being so sweet to each other”) and they both hum at the hot apple pie they feed each other.

 

“You’re not going to have sex in the apartment while we’re there tonight are you?” Rachel asks Jess, and Angie loves how Jess’ eyes instantly find Brittany’s as if to silently ask if she’s serious. She’s too busy laughing to answer and Angie watches as Jess’ eyes narrow mischievously.

 

“We’ll try to be quiet if we do,” she says and Rachel looks scandalized. Jess smirks proudly and tries to kiss away Angie’s eye roll. “And I definitely wouldn’t walk in singing like a mariachi band in the morning if I were you.”

 

Brittany and Artie do a rendition of “ _La Bamba_ ” right there on the platform and Angie kisses Jess because she doesn’t know how not to. She kisses her because she’s finally here and she’s staying.

 

//

 

They wake up late to an empty apartment and a note on the refrigerator that tells them there’s take-out breakfast warming in the oven. It’s pancakes and hash browns and bacon and someone’s already made their morning coffee. They eat quietly, watching Netflix on Jess’ laptop, because there’s nothing else to do.

 

Angie watches over Jess’ shoulder as she checks her Facebook page when it keeps popping with notifications in a different tab. They both look surprised when they see multiple pictures of themselves posted to her wall. They’re all from Rachel, and Angie would have half a mind to sue her for invasion of privacy, except they look ridiculously happy. The one she’d snuck of them this morning (of Angie tucked peacefully into Jess’ arms, both in their Phillies Jerseys) is actually the loveliest thing she’s ever seen.

 

Still, she mumbles, “Creep” and reads the comments from anyone and everyone about how adorable they are. Others curiously ask if they’re together and when it happened. Her sister’s message is just a ton of expletives and Angie guesses her mom managed to keep it a secret. Jess kisses her jaw and looks incredibly pleased with herself with each new message. She grips Angie’s hand and hooks it around her waist and refuses to let it go.

 

She manages to convince Angie to pose for their own, much more dumb but still ridiculously cute picture. They poke their tongues out and pull faces and Jess doesn’t stop grinning as she posts it. She’s scrolling through continuous nosy comments when Angie reaches for her phone and uses it quietly behind her. She waits for Jess to get the notification and smirks when she turns around coyly.

 

“Did you just ask me to be your girlfriend via Facebook?” she asks with a roll of her eyes.

 

Angie leans forward, resting her chin on Jess’ shoulder before biting her lip happily.

 

“Be with me,” she says rather than asks and giggles into the swooning kiss that Jess gives her before quickly turning around back to the screen. She’s all excited and wriggly and Angie smirks into her neck as she types happily back to all her friends. “You’re cute,” she whispers. “So ridiculously cute.”

 

Jess looks incredibly proud of herself.

 

//

 

They spend New Years Eve at the Berrys’ annual party. It’s fancy and they only serve hard liquor and champagne but it’s full of really important people like the Brooklyn Borough President and a few members of Congress. Angie watches as Brittany tries to woo all of them and tries not to feel anxious about it.

 

Jess keeps her in check, asking her to enjoy herself and not worry about her best friend. She kisses her cheek when no one is looking and they only really stay long enough for people to notice that they were there to begin with. Angie walks them to the Brooklyn Heights Promenade on their way home and they sit on a bench and wait for it to turn midnight by themselves.

 

Jess leans in and kisses her sweetly and, if the tradition is true, Angie’s glad that Jess is the person she’ll be kissing for the rest of the year.

 

For the rest of her life, hopefully, and there’s a flutter of excitement in her stomach at the thought of that. She swallows it down because it’s way too early.

 

“What’cha thinking about?” Jess asks after a while of Angie just staring at her quietly.

 

She thinks about rings and pieces of paper that say Jessica Waters is hers forever.

 

It’s not a lie when she smiles and says, “You.”

 

//

 

Jess goes back to work on the second.

 

Angie pouts the entire time that Jess runs around her apartment looking for all the scattered things she now needs to take with her. She wears one of Angie’s dumb t-shirts and a pair of sweats, her hair tied into a messy bun at the top of her head. Her blue eyes are tired but happy and Angie grabs her as she tries to run out the door and pulls her back for a long, slow kiss.

 

She gets a text an hour or so later, full of curses and mentions of being late. It makes her smile as she drinks her morning coffee. She gets a text a while later asking if Angie has her keys because she can’t find them anywhere. Angie searches her apartment high and low, tidying the mess that they’ve made over the past week on the way, before finding the small bunch under her bed.

 

She doesn’t answer the message but packs a small overnight bag instead. Her phone vibrates with Jess’ frantic texts and Angie just smiles at them as she remakes the journey back up to the Bronx. She still thinks that it takes forever but she stops up by school to visit the library and also get some food from the small bodega she likes nearby. She lets herself into Jess’ apartment, nose turning up at the stale smell and perpetual mess.

 

She spends hours cleaning. She does her laundry and cleans her refrigerator of the out-of-date items that possibly have things growing on them. She finds cooking utensils and cleans bowls that might be living entities. She unpacks the unasssembled dresser pushed up against the wall and somehow manages to make it with the minimal tools Jess has. She thinks some of them might be medical equipment.

 

When Jess texts her to say that she’s going to have to call her super but doesn’t remember the fucking number, Angie calls her to say that everything’s fine. She found the keys and she’ll meet her at work. It’s dark and cold by the time that Jess leaves the hospital but she smiles when she sees Angie pressed against a wall nearby wearing jeans and a Columbia sweatshirt. She kisses her, tells her all about her awful day as she drags Angie back to her apartment. She’s halfway undressed before she realizes how different it is and gapes at Angie who just laughs at her.

 

“I got bored,” she whispers as she sidles up to wrap her arms around Jess’ shoulders. “Also, there’s lasagna in the oven.”

 

Jess’ tongue delves happily into her mouth, hands wandering with intent, when she suddenly pulls back with a blank look on her face.

 

“I have an oven?” she asks completely seriously.

 

Angie rolls her eyes. “Yes, Jessica,” she sighs fondly. “You have an oven.”

 

She has the decency to blush a little before Angie leans in to kiss her again.

 

“You can never leave me,” she whispers, holding Angie close.

 

Angie pulls the hair tie from her bun and tangles her fingers in blonde hair.

 

“I wasn’t planning on it.”

 

//

 

They alternate days in each other’s apartment. Some days, Angie ends up sprawled out on Jess’ bed once she’s finished with school, waiting for Jess to come back and cuddle up behind her. Other days, Jess is off or finishes early and Angie finds her outside the library in blue scrubs and a tired smile.

 

The first night they spend apart is the night before Angie’s birthday.

 

Angie doesn’t sleep at all and it’s not like Jess is in her own apartment and they’re putting themselves through this for nothing. She’s on a night shift and, regardless of the fact her apartment is fifteen minutes away from the hospital, she’s getting the train straight from there to Brooklyn.

 

Angie stirs when she feels cold arms wrap around her from behind. It softens instead of shocks her and she hums happily as Jess buries her face in the back of her neck.

 

“Happy birthday,” Jess whispers into the skin of her neck. She’s halfway to sleep already and Angie can tell because she’s heavy against her.

 

It’s an effort to turn around and she smiles when she sees Jess in her sweats and Angie’s Wellesley t-shirt. She didn’t even know that Jess had it. She toys with the bottom hem before replacing herself with a pillow. Jess curls around it instinctively and doesn’t argue when Angie removes her chucks and starts tugging at her sweatpants.

 

“I can do it,” Jess mumbles as Angie helps her under the covers. She trails off when Angie hushes her and sighs when a still warm body slides in to wrap happily around her. “I’ll go make… go make breakfast in… in a little while…”

 

Angie tightens her arms protectively around her. She presses a pacifying kiss behind Jess’ ear and it’s already the best birthday she’s ever had because Jess is sinking into her. She has the girl of her dreams right here in her arms.

 

“Go to sleep,” she whispers, nose pressed comfortingly into Jess’ ear.

 

Jess hums and takes hold of her hand.

 

Falling back to sleep has never been easier.

 

//

 

Breakfast turns out to be lunch. Jess makes them toast and coffee and she eats it quietly against the headboard as Jess rustles around at the back of her closet. She pulls out a box of gifts and Angie smiles excitedly as she sets them in front of her.

 

They’re silly things.

 

She buys her some stupid t-shirts that she’d never be able to wear outside and around normal people. She buys her a huge box of her favorite candy. She buys her a pretty new coffee cup. There’s a pair of big fluffy slippers to help keep her feet warm. She old school buys Angie some of the CDs of artists she sometimes hums on the radio. She buys her box sets of ridiculously serious TV dramas.

 

There’s a wrapped gift box tucked in the bottom of the pile that houses some very sexy underwear she wouldn’t normally wear. Jess gives her a shameless look when she opens it and shrugs.

 

“That’s probably more for me,” she whispers before quickly taking it out of Angie’s hands.

 

The last thing is a black velvet box that Jess pulls out from behind her back. If it was smaller, Angie would probably hyperventilate, but it isn’t. She opens it up slowly, smiling the minute that she sees the necklace inside. It’s gold and it has a tiny little key pendant hanging off the end of it. When she looks closely, she can see Jess’ initials engraved into it.

 

Jess is watching her quietly when Angie looks up, her face already hurting from smiling too much. She runs her thumb over the pendant and gives Jess a look. “What’s this for?”

 

She already knows the answer but she still loves it when Jess rolls her eyes and presses a hand to her heart.

 

“Love you,” she whispers.

 

Jess smiles and nods into her kiss.

 

//

 

Three weeks later, Angie’s sister in law gives birth to her seventh nephew.

 

Her mother calls her early and it’s Jess that answers the phone, poking her tongue out and shoving coffee at Angela when she rolls her eyes at them already gossiping. Jess is the one that eventually tells her that she’s got another nephew.

 

“We should go see them,” Angie says and watches the way that Jess’ face falls and brightens with a knowing mix of nerves and excitement. “I’ve been waiting about fifteen years to brag to my brothers that I can get the hottest girls.”

 

Jess shoves her playfully but they somehow end up wrapped around each other at the counter. Jess curls nervously into her. “What if—”

 

Angie cuts it off with a kiss and gives her a pointed look when they pull back. “She misses you.”

 

Jess softens instead.

 

//

 

Her mother screams when Jessica Waters appears at her back door one Saturday morning. She actually screams.

 

It almost kills her father who lapses into a stream of expletives before realizing why.

 

They wrap her in hugs so tight that Angie just has to wait and see if she survives it. Blue eyes are glassy and calm when she’s eventually let go. Jess still moves to instinctively sit in the same chair at the kitchen table she always used to. Thinking about it, it’s the chair that always somehow managed to stay empty.

 

Her mom asks about everything. She wants to see everything and Angie watches as Jess shows her mom pictures on her phone of her graduation, of her in her scrubs and in her white coat with her name embroidered on it. She feels absolutely besotted when it doesn’t take long for Jess to get her first slap round the back of the head. It shocks Jess at first and then her face lapses into such pure happiness that she has to bite her lip.

 

Her mom leaves to go get the stuff to make spaghetti and meatballs. It takes about 5 minutes before her dad convinces them to go to the batting cages with him. He doesn’t hit as well as he used to but Jess still has the speed and ability she had at fourteen. When Angie gives her a look of confusion, she bites her lip smugly.

 

“You’re not the only one who played college softball,” she giggles.

 

She kicks both their asses and her ma looks at them knowingly when they come back in. The house smells awesome and Jess instantly goes to the pot, testing her luck before she gets slapped away. Her mom packs the leftovers in Tupperware ready for them to take back to the city.

 

Jess treats them to cannolis from their favorite place and leaves a fresh box in her parents’ fridge for them to eat later. She also makes sure that Angie carries another box for them to take home too. In the late afternoon, her mom makes fresh coffee and makes it extra milky for her and Jess. She sits on the couch with her and goes through all the photo albums she has from over the years. She shows Jess pictures of Angie’s graduations, of all the days that she quietly missed out on that they all wished she was there for. She makes Jess smile when she mentions that Jess will get to go to the next one.

 

When they leave, after dark and with freshly made sandwiches to take with them, her parents both give Jess long hugs and whisper things into her ear that make her jaw twitch in tearful warning. Her pop kisses the top of her head and she kisses his cheek. Ma strokes her hair for a long time, swaying her silently, before sighing and pulling back to look at her.

 

She cups her face with both hands and studies her quietly. Angie can see Jess about to give her a mischievous grin when her ma leans to kiss her delicately on the forehead.

 

“I’m so very proud of you,” she whispers.

 

Angie can tell from the relieved look on Jess’ face, that maybe that’s all she really needed to hear all along.

 

//

 

“You two are disgusting,” Brittany comments one Wednesday night when they’re sitting in Angie’s living room.

 

It confuses Angie a little because they’re not even sitting together. She looks up from chopping the vegetables in her hands and glares at her. Jess doesn’t even look interested and, if anything, that’s Angela’s favorite thing about all of this: that Jess and Brittany have become friends.

 

Brittany scoffs at her like she knows _exactly_ what she’s done. “You’re like… tuned into each other or something. That’s about the fifth time that you’ve had a discussion with each other without even actually talking. You’re doing Italian hand gestures that not even I know.”

 

Jess turns to Angie and laughs. Angie smirks back at her and they share a meaningful glance before Angie continues preparing their dinner.

 

“You _just_ did it again,” Brittany comments.

 

“We can’t help it,” Jess explains as she goes back to watching the TV. “Her brothers and sister do it too. It’s the Giardino Gestures.”

 

“Giardino Gestures?”

 

Jess regards her quietly before slipping more nachos in her mouth. “Joe Jr. and Jules made it up when they were little. It’s how they talk about their parents and grandparents when they’re in the room.”

 

Angie chuckles. “Knowing it was kind of a necessity growing up in our house.”

 

When Jess hums in agreement, it fills Angie with warmth she didn’t know she needed to feel. It’s that same belonging she first felt with Jess all those years ago, that kindred feeling of understanding that happens when you grow up with someone and know you’re probably going to grow old with them too.

 

Brittany must catch her grinning happily to herself because she throws a pillow at her.

 

“You’re still gross,” she tries to argue.

 

It doesn’t go so well when Jess is already retaliating with a pillow to Brittany’s face on her behalf.

 

//

 

“You’re serious about this aren’t you?” Angie asks, one afternoon when she meets Brittany for coffee in the East Village. “About this Congress thing.”

 

Brittany gives her an amused look. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

 

Angie shrugs and then stops off the way Brittany’s expression changes.

 

“I don’t know,” she says sheepishly. “I thought maybe you’d go to Japan for your birthday, come back and have seen some sense.”

 

Brittany stirs her coffee and looks down into the swirls she makes. She smiles to herself and Angie watches as something akin to peace and happiness crosses her features.

 

“This is probably the one thing in my life that’s made the most sense,” she shrugs. “And if you haven’t seen something like this coming for years then I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe some people are meant for each other but I think that I’m meant for this. To help people.”

 

Angie knows that if anyone could do it, Brittany could. Brittany could probably save the world if she wanted to.

 

“But, _Safe Home_ …” Angie starts before shaking her head uselessly. She isn’t sure what she’s trying to say. “What will you do with it? There’s no one to…”

 

Brittany grins and suddenly Angie understands. Her stomach drops into nervousness and she doesn’t know what to say. This wasn’t her plan. She wanted to teach.

 

“It might not even happen,” Brittany goes on. “I could waste all this cash and it might not even happen. But it might and if it does…”

 

Angie reaches for her hand and they both understand what the other means.

 

//

 

They make it their task to teach Jess how to dance, although she usually spends most of their sessions behaving inappropriately towards Angie instead.

 

It’s probably the most time Angie gets to see Brittany each week and she kind of hates how Brittany spends ninety percent of that time trolling the fuck out of her with Jess. They prank her, do things to her phone, tease her and make her want to bash their heads together… but how can she complain when her two favorite people love each other.

 

She’s just happy that Rachel gets it worse than she does.

 

It’s still weird.

 

(Not as weird as the time Angie met them at _Eli’s_ and Brittany and Jess were mid-conversation about the foursome they had in college. She doesn’t know how she made it six months without Jess finding out about that and she kind of expects anger and insecurity but Jess asks her insanely inappropriate questions about it that Brittany happily answers for her.)

 

(It makes her mad when Brittany tells her how she threw up in drunken shame afterwards.)

 

(It doesn’t nearly make her as mad as when she walked in on them discussing how good she is in bed.)

 

“Will you two idiots concentrate please?” she says when they’ve somehow managed to disassemble another routine by either giggling at each other or starting to fight. “This is the only exercise some of us get.”

 

“Should have stuck with softball,” both Brittany and Jess say at the same time before high-fiving each other.

 

Angie rolls her eyes at the pair of them.

 

//

 

Jess finishes her residency in the summer and gets a job at a Lower Manhattan medical center.

 

She casually mentions how she thinks she might move closer to Brooklyn for six weeks before she plucks up the courage to ask Angie if she can move in with her. It’s silly and ridiculous and Angie says yes, but only under the condition that they find somewhere new to live together.

 

Jess smiles like it’s the best answer she could have given and they spend two months looking around for nicer, bigger apartments that they can grow into together. They find one they love a week before Jess starts her new job, in a newly renovated building a few streets away from their old place.

 

It’s lovely and open-plan and way more grown up than they thought they’d get for their budget. They move in a couple of weeks later and Jess goes to work while Angie sets everything up. She prefers it better that way and loves how Jess smiles when she gets home and finds something else painted or put together. Stella hates it and scratches their new door up within three days. They fill it with their mismatch of furniture and intend to replace some of it immediately but don’t. It’s a two bedroom and they fill the spare with all the leftover crap they share with the intentions of going through it eventually.

 

Jess has this look in her eye every time she comes home to Angie putting photos in frames that makes her feel full and overwhelmed. It’s like Jess has a secret she doesn’t want to share but Angie can’t ask.

 

“You’re all grown up,” her mom whispers when she visits in October for Jess’ thirtieth birthday and to help hand out _Pierce for Congress_ pins.

 

It feels like more than that.

 

//

 

(She’s had a picture of a ring in her school bag for weeks.)

 

(She’s been to a few jewelers but it feels too soon).

 

(Jess still looks at her anxiously sometimes, like she’s waiting for Angie to change mind and it scares Angie into thinking they’re not ready.)

 

(Maybe they are. Maybe they aren’t.)

 

(She needs more time.)

 

//

 

Jess sets up a pediatric outreach clinic at _Safe Home_ to ensure the children and young people there are getting the right care and support they need.

 

It’s Angie’s idea and when she raises it with Brittany, Brittany looks at her knowingly and happily, impressed by the things that she’s started doing in order to help _Safe Home_ grow. All of it just makes Angie anxious and she tries not to yell about the fact that she knows Brittany’s started to move out of her office even though it’s a week before the election.

 

She wins, of course. It’s a huge landslide victory that none of them expected but should have. Brittany pretty much knows everyone in all the neighborhoods she can now call hers and it was always obvious. It was always possible. Angie knows that Brittany was always meant for something more than a shelter in Brooklyn.

 

She’s not like everyone else. She always needs more.

 

Angie’s realizing that soon she’ll have everything she needs.

 

She has Jess. She has her apartment. She has her family.

 

Soon she’ll have her final degree. She’ll have the job she thinks she’s meant for.

 

It brings her peace.

 

//

 

They go to DC at Christmas to see Brittany’s new apartment and to sightsee like idiots.

 

Somehow, Brittany’s become more mature over the few weeks they’ve been apart and Jess picks up on Angie’s discomfort quickly. She holds her hand tightly and tells her really dumb jokes.

 

“She’s going to be amazing,” she whispers as Brittany shows them the outfit she plans to wear as she’s sworn in as the House Representative for New York’s 8th Congressional District.

 

Angie nods.

 

She knows that this is just the beginning.

 

//

 

“You should marry her,” her dad says when she goes home for holidays a few days later.

 

She gawps at him. “Pop!” she warns.

 

He’s greyer and slower and he shrugs off her reaction. “You’re thirty in a couple of weeks.”

 

She gives him the same look but harder. “So?! It’s not even been a _year_ yet!”

 

He shrugs. “You’re slacking.”

 

//

 

They start their first anniversary together by waking up pressed together on the top bunk. They’re sleepy from quietly making love all night and Angie giggles into Jess’ neck as she strokes her sex-heavy limbs.

 

“It’s smaller than I remember,” Jess mumbles.

 

Angie nods in agreement. “It makes me miss our apartment.”

 

A groan echoes up her throat in agreement. “This mattress is fucking uncomfortable.”

 

“That explains why you’re laying on me instead.”

 

“If you can’t deal with that I don’t think our next year will come as easy as the last,” she quips and Angie bites her shoulder in response.

 

Her fingers stroke the tops of Jess’ shoulders and the nape of her neck. She presses her lips sweetly to Jess’ temple as she sighs.

 

“I don’t think I’d be able to sleep again without you laying on top of me,” she admits in a whisper. She takes a deep breath. “This year has been…”

 

“Perfect,” Jess whispers. Angie feels a kiss against her neck as Jess’ fingers instinctively press against the pulse point in her wrist. “I don’t want to change a thing.”

 

And, despite her father’s insistence, neither does Angie.

 

She smiles and holds Jess closer. It’s more than enough.

 

//

 

It doesn’t stop her father from saying the same thing in February when they visit one weekend.

 

Her brother Matteo’s wife is pregnant with their second child and Angie notices how her mother looks at her expectantly, like she’s waiting for her to one-up everyone with better news.

 

“She wants lesbian grandchildren,” he comments and she passes him a wrench so he can fix the truck again.

 

She rolls her eyes at him and throws his grease rag at his head. “I’m guessing she doesn’t mean an army of plaid wearing toddlers running around watching _Ellen_ and listening to KD Lang?”

 

Her dad’s face doesn’t change. “You know what I meant.”

 

Angie scoffs and pulls herself up to sit on the cleanest part of his counter she can find. “We’re not even married.”

 

He points his wrench at her. “You should change that.”

 

She ignores him with a half-smirk and carries on. “We’ve only been back together for a year and we’ve only been in the apartment for less than six months. It’s not the right time.”

 

Her dad snorts. “You’ve been in love with her for almost twenty-five years.”

 

It’s a beautifully harsh truth and it takes her breath away a little bit.

 

Her dad smirks knowingly and kisses her cheek.

 

“Shut up,” she says.

 

His smirk becomes a grin.

 

//

 

She finishes her J.S.D. in April but she has classes to continue teaching through the semester.

 

It shocks her when Jess buys her a puppy as a graduation present but she makes a ridiculously high-pitched noise and cuddles it anyway. It’s an adorable little thing. It’s a spaniel and poodle cross that’s equal parts fluffy and floppy-eared. Jess looks ready to implode with nerves and almost looks like she doesn’t expect the long, slow, dirty kiss that Angie gives her in thanks.

 

“What d’you wanna call him?” she asks.

 

Jess nuzzles into her lips and smirks. “It’s a girl, actually… And I was going to suggest Blanche, to help her match Stella, but maybe not.”

 

Angie grins. “Hell no.”

 

“Then maybe we call her Sammy and be done with it,” Jess shrugs.

 

Angie kisses her in agreement and they fall back onto the couch, the new puppy running around at their feet. Jess’ hands disappear up her shirt and they’re practically in her bra when Angie pushes them away and gets up.

 

“Worst parents ever,” she mutters as she heads to the kitchen to make dinner.

 

She hears Jess cackling with laughter the whole way.

 

//

 

They go home for her mom’s sixtieth birthday one weekend in June and it’s there that she changes her mind for the good.

 

Her mom holds a party in their backyard and invites everyone she knows. Everyone keeps asking Angie when she’s getting married and she can see from Jess’ worried looks over at her that she’s probably getting asked the same things. Except maybe it’s not worry she sees in Jess’ expression.

 

If she had to guess, maybe she’d say it was anticipation.

 

Her dad and Jess go to the batting cages after the party but Angie stays behind to help her mom tidy everything away.

 

“Did you have a nice day?” she asks her.

 

Her mom nods and she looks tired. “It was lovely. I’m glad you came. It can’t be nice to come here and have everyone breathing down your neck asking when you’re getting married.”

 

Angie looks up at the comment and smiles. She rolls her eyes and shrugs it off. She doesn’t know what else to say.

 

“Jess gets the same questions, too, you know?” her mother continues.

 

Angie laughs and tries to pretend that she didn’t see this coming. “I’m sure she does.”

 

“Yeah,” her mother hums. “Except she doesn’t say the same thing you say. She doesn’t tell people you’re _in a good place right now_.”

 

That makes Angie stop and she pauses in her task of covering all the leftover food with cling wrap to look up at her mother. Her mother’s too busy wiping down tables to pay her any real attention.

 

“What—what does she say then?”

 

Her mother glances up and grins. “She says ‘I don’t know’.”

 

Angie nods and she guesses that’s an okay answer. It’s not an answer at all really and, weirdly, that actually makes her kind of disappointed for some strange reason. Except, it’s not really strange at all.

 

Her mother hums and carries on with her work until she eventually slams the bottle of disinfectant down on the table and sighs in annoyance.

 

“She’s waiting for you to ask,” she says brightly. “You _do_ know that, don’t you?” On Angie’s shocked look she groans. “You’re so bloody dense.”

 

Angie drops down into one of the garden chairs and scratches her forehead. She tries to fight the grin desperate to paint her face.

 

“She’s waiting for…”

 

“Yes!” Her mother shouts.

 

Angie lets one giggle escape. “She wants to…”

 

Her mother throws the towel at her and holds up her hands in submission.

 

“I give up.”

 

Angie’s still sitting there grinning when her pop and Jess return an hour later.

 

//

 

She thinks she has a plan but then everything changes on June 21st.

 

Senator Bryan Ryan dies and Angie stays hooked to the news because she knew Bryan and his wife were friends of Brittany’s. He helped Brittany a lot when she first got to DC. He was her top choice for Democratic Presidential nominee.

 

Bryan Ryan dies and Angie can’t sleep because there’s something telling her that this is going to change everything.

 

She’s right when Brittany appears on her doorstep a week few days later.

 

Angie sighs because she already knows what’s going to happen from the guilty look on her face.

 

At least she’s not drunk this time.

 

//

 

“Wilma wants me to just step in,” she explains. “She thinks that she can get her dad to convince all his supporters to just switch their endorsements to me.”

 

Angie buries her head in her hands. “But what about Schuester?”

 

Something crosses Brittany’s face and she shrugs. “I don’t know. I just know that I don’t think he’s right for the job. He has an _amazing_ staff. He’s somehow managed to get some of the best minds in the country on his team but… It doesn’t feel right.”

 

Angie nods in understanding but still feels doubt swell in her gut.

 

“Brittany, you’ve been in Congress for six months,” Angie reminds her and she’s terrified. She’s actually terrified. “Are you sure about this? What does your _mom_ think about this?”

 

A grin spreads across her lips and Angie already knows. She already knows, knows, knows.

 

“Go big or go home, right?”

 

Angie collapses back into her couch.

 

//

 

“I’m giving you _Safe Home_ ,” Brittany says a little while later, after Angie’s opened the good whisky.

 

Angie breathes out steadily. “I’m getting married.”

 

Brittany almost spits out her drink.

 

“You finally asked?!” She hisses happily. “Congrat—”

 

“No,” Angie says bluntly and it stops Brittany dead in her tracks. Angie glances at her best friend and smiles. “I mean, I was thinking about it but I know what Jess will be like. She’ll get anxious if I ask her to marry me. She’ll probably get insecure and keep asking me if I’m sure and then she’ll probably get scared and I just _really_ want to fucking marry her instead of asking. I wish I could just drag her to city hall one day and do it then and there without having to make appointments and shit.”

 

Brittany frowns and watches her for a moment. She pours herself another glass of whisky and when Angie finally looks for her reaction, she’s grinning like the freaking Cheshire Cat.

 

“I could probably figure that out for you, you know?” she points out knowingly. Angie shrugs her shoulder. “It’s fun being best friends with a public official.”

 

Her mouth drops open in realization. Then she feels a swell of hope.

 

//

 

They make a deal and Angie won’t follow out her end of it until Brittany does hers.

 

Brittany gets back to her within a few hours.

 

She has a date and a time.

 

She has a lot of work to do.

 

//

 

She only tells Brittany and one of Jess’ bosses who fixes it so that she gets an extra-long extended 4th of July weekend off.

 

They wake up mid-morning and Angie can’t help but feel nervous. Jess must notice because she touches her face a lot, studies her features. She kisses her slowly and they make love until noon. Jess quietly makes them sandwiches for lunch and when Jess goes for her shower, she makes sure that everything’s ready.

 

“What’s this?” Jess asks when she comes out to find Angie dressed in a brand new white dress with another one laid out on the bed before her. She frowns and runs her hands over it. Maybe Angie manages to catch a look of nerves cross her face.

 

“I bought these ages ago and found them in the back of the spare closet,” Angie lies easily. “Rachel just called and said that they’re having this big party tonight, but everyone’s got to wear red, white and blue. I told her it was too early but—”

 

“Ugh,” Jess mutters. “Can’t I wear my blue dress I got for Christmas?”

 

When Angie quickly shakes her head and insists, she’s sure that Jess knows.

 

“Apparently all the other girls are wearing white and she wants us to match,” she shrugs and Jess’ face does something weird. It falls and then fixes into place in a millisecond when she smiles sweetly at Angie and picks the dress off the bed.

 

It fits her like a glove.

 

She wears her hair down and Angie swoons when she decides to wear her chucks and throw her heels in her bag to wear when she gets there. She pulls out a dark red cardigan and applies red lipstick and Angie bites her lip excitedly as she hurries her along.

 

“The cab’s waiting outside,” Angie tells her when she comes out. “Are you ready?”

 

Jess nods and she can’t help but agree.

 

//

 

Jess checks her phone through the cab journey, talks about arbitrary work stuff they need to do once the holiday is over. She holds Angie’s hand tightly and doesn’t notice how it’s almost gone white with tight anticipation.

 

She doesn’t look up until they arrive at Brooklyn Borough Hall.

 

She swallows thickly, knowingly, at the sight of it and Angie grins when blue eyes anxiously flick between the building and her face as though looking for confirmation.

 

“The party’s at the Borough Hall?” she says and her voice betrays her. Her jaw quivers and Angie quickly reaches out to stop it, grinning at her happily as she shakes her head.

 

She’s about to explain when Brittany opens the cab door and smiles. “C’mon,” she says, peering in. She has two bouquets of flowers in her hands. “You guys are last.”

 

Angie makes to leave the cab but Jess holds fast to her hand and doesn’t let her move. Her face is scared and worried when Angie turns back to her.

 

“Gee,” she whispers. “What are we doing here?”

 

She was hoping to do this on the steps but, whatever. She guesses here will do, instead. She takes Jess’ face in her hands and leans in to kiss her quickly. Their cabby grins and Angie knows that both he and Brittany are watching but who gives a fuck. The only person who’s important is right here in her grasp.

 

“Marry me?” she whispers.

 

Jess’ face goes through every emotion from excitement to panic to fear in a split second. Angie quickly leans forward to kiss it away and keep her calm. She knows if she just does this, she’ll keep her calm.

 

“You’re my favorite person in the world,” she whispers against her lips. “But you’re also the most ridiculous. And I’m looking at you now and it’s like you never thought or believed that this would happen but—if I’m honest—I would have married you the minute I was legally allowed to if I could.” She grins. “I told you. You own me and, honestly, I’d just really like to make it official.”

 

Jess sucks back a sob that quickly comes out as a laugh instead. “I love you,” she whispers. She leans in to kiss Angie again and again.

 

Angie fixes her hair and bites her lip happily. “You know,” Angie says, avoiding the fact that Jess has given no answer. “I figured that you’d probably prefer to do it this way. I knew that, if we did it the traditional way, you’d probably end up a mess of nerves and something would happen and my mom would probably do something embarrassing and it would all go wrong. I know that you probably wouldn’t want to do this with a ton of people watching who didn’t need to.”

 

Jess shakes her head and leans their foreheads together. “Scares the shit out of me,” she admits.

 

Angie laughs and wipes away the tears from under her eyes. “Well, then, I’ve got a clerk ready to marry us upstairs. I’ve got Brittany holding some wedding bands and a camera.”

 

She shrugs.

 

“All I need is you,” she whispers and she means it in every sense and meaning of the words. “Will you marry me, Jessica?”

 

Jess smiles and kisses her one more time.

 

“Of course, I will,” she whispers.

 

//

 

They get married with three City Clerk’s office officials and Congresswoman Brittany S. Pierce in attendance.

 

They whisper the standard vows, show them their IDs and sign a piece of paper at the end of it.

 

Then they’re married.

 

“Hi,” Angie whispers when they get outside the room. She hasn’t even kissed her yet.

 

Jess grabs for her and rests their foreheads together.

 

“Hi,” she breathes back. “You own me. You happy?”

 

Angie can only kiss her in response.

 

They don’t stop until Brittany has to drag them away.

 

//

 

She takes their picture on the steps outside the Brooklyn Borough Hall at sunset. Angie’s pretty sure that Brittany keeps taking their picture, even as they disappear into a bubble of kisses and happy giggles.

 

“We should go to the party,” Jess mumbles when it’s getting dark and cold.

 

Angie chuckles against her lips. “Baby, there was no party.”

 

Jess’ face goes from confusion to happiness in seconds. “So I just get to spend the evening with my wife?”

 

Angie nods and tangles her hands in Jess’ hair. “Say that again.”

 

“My wife,” Jess grins.

 

Their next kiss is probably too inappropriate for the steps of a public building. Angie’s sure that, if they wanted, a cop could probably give them a warning for the way they’re clawing at each other.

 

“Take it home, you two,” Brittany mumbles uncomfortably.

 

Angie feels a camera and the envelope containing their marriage certificate being thrust into her hand.

 

Take it home is what they do.

 

//

 

“She’s giving you _Safe Home_?” Jess asks from her place beside her, naked in their bed.

 

Angie lets her fingers stroke up and down her back. The very little light in the room catches the glint of the wedding band that now sits on her finger. “Yeah. She’s giving me her business and she’s running for president but I told her she couldn’t do any of those things until I’d married you.”

 

That makes Jess stop and she leans in closer. “And why’s that?”

 

Angie bites back the huge smile that’s been overtaking her face all day. “Because now I have everything. Because now I can give _you_ everything. There’s nothing else I need anymore. I need you and I need this and everything else is just a bonus. And when my best friend was offering me my dream and giving me this way to take care of people that I’ve always wanted, I realized that none of it mattered if I wasn’t taking care of you and me first…” She shrugs. “So that’s what I did.”

 

Jess buries her smiling face into her forearms and stares at her for a long time.

 

“You’ve made me the happiest girl in the world. You know that?” she whispers shyly. Angie grins and shuffles closer to her. “I’ve only ever had two dreams and d’you know what they were? To be with you and—”

 

“Be a Giardino?”

 

Angie smiles when Jess quickly nods. Angie strokes down her spine with the backs of her knuckles, eyes the ring that rests on Jess’ finger. It makes her feel like her world is finally set right at last. That ring is proof that she belongs somewhere, that she belongs with Jess and she always has done.

 

“You always _were_ though,” she reminds her quietly.

 

From the way Jess looks at her, she knows she has nothing else left to say.

 

//

They go home to Philadelphia the following afternoon ready for a Giardino family picnic that’s already in swing by the time they get there.

 

Angie goes inside first and somehow manages to wrangle her parents and all her siblings into following her into the entryway that they never use. She unlocks the front door and opens it to their confusion.

 

“What are you doing?” her dad groans. “The grill’s on. C’mon.”

 

Her mother nods. “Laney was telling me a story.”

 

Angie nods and pokes her head out the door for a moment before reappearing. “I know, I know, I know,” she rushes. “You’re all busy but I just wanted to introduce you to someone.”

 

“Did you bring the dog?” Donny gasps.

 

Angie laughs and shakes her head. She turns to him in amusement. “Yes, Donny, I brought the fucking dog… but I also brought someone else.”

 

She opens the door and lets it swing open to reveal nervous blue eyes and excited familiar face. Hands with nails painted red clasp nervously in front of her and reveal the shiny new ring that sits on her left one. From the way her mother gasps, she’s already seen it.

 

“This is Jess Giardino,” she whispers, carefully watching their families’ faces as she says it. A grin breaks out on her face as she reaches for Jess’ hand. “This is my wife.”

 

And, just like that, all hell breaks loose.

 

Her father screams. Her mother starts sobbing. Her sister starts hysterically laughing and her brothers gather Jess up into a group hug so fierce that they almost fall over. Angie falls back into the wall of her childhood home and knows it was always supposed to be like this. _This_ is what her life was always supposed to be.

 

Full of laughter, love and happiness.

 

//

 

She’s four years old when she realizes she’s not like anyone else.

 

But then she falls in love with a girl with beautiful blue eyes and bright blonde hair when she’s five years old and it’s like the world suddenly makes sense.

 

She’s four years old when she realizes she’s not like anyone else.

 

She’s thirty when she realizes she doesn’t want to be.

 

Nobody else has this.

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
